From the dog

I strive to be the best I can be so that my master might have a better life because of me. Today I was sitting in nana's kitchen between these three wonderful women from three completely different times and I thought "They gave me to the youngest because she needs me the most." Last night we went for what I thought was just a car ride, but it turns out we drove all the way to nana's. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the new smells, the feel of where my master goes after leaving the apartment, the wind from the wholes in the front of the car (I think they call them vents but I don't understand what the word vent has to do with blowing air into ones hair), and the unsteadiness of the route as we swerve in and out of traffic. Of course there's also the slight chance my master might pick up lilly and give me the perfect opportunity to sneak onto her lap where all of these things are multiplied! As we go along my master keeps looking at me, checking in with how I'm responding to this sudden change of plans, as I could sense her energy level dropping and night getting deeper around us just before we took this adventure. I smile and make funny faces at her when our eyes catch and she always smiles and laughs back at me. It makes me feel good to see her smile even when she is so tense. In the morning, as I sat there and pondered why I had been sent to live with the youngest of these three women who would have such changes in her life is isn't sure what she wants out of it yet I realized, she needs me the most. She needs someone who will be there for her without asking questions or analyzing what's happening. She needs someone to support her every decision and just believe in her that she would make the right one. I don't question and I don't evaluate her, I love her, I support her, I go with her when she needs to de-stress in her car, I aid in her relaxation by not saying a word, and I lay by her so that she will feel warmth when her heart feels like stone. I will tolerate the boys she gives her heart to because some of them smell pretty good. But when that boy leaves her, I'll be there. I see how she lives her life, I smell the good she brings to others, I sense the bounce in her step and the drag in her heart, and I am there for her. These older women have things figured out that my master is still just encountering. The uncertain one is the one who needs a dog like me.

So I will make a funny face at her when tears are not far, I will do my best to mend the mess and heal her battle scars. I will fight to protect, and always inspect, these people who move through our lives. And when she needs a speechless friend to listen, I will pretend to comprehend, like my other master kristen, and I will not forget my mission here on planet Earth. For, I will love you, I will support you, I will serve you, my master since birth.

girls and my success :)

girls are so freaking emotional! Lets face it, human beings are emotional. The difference between women and men is that men can have emotions and then make the best decision regardless of how they feel. Women on the other hand let their emotions steer their lives. It's like you say, this is the best option, and everyone agrees. Then a man would do that no matter how he felt about it, it's the best thing to do, it benefits the most ppl, so he'll do. a woman would look at the same situation and think "although it benefits everyone the most, they said this and I'm mad at her for something that doesn't effect this situation at all, but bc of it I'm not doing this bc my feelings are hurt from a miscommunication in a different situation." It is driving me nuts! Yes, I am a women, but I choose to take a step back and look at every situation on the surface and keep the bigger picture in mind. I've been hurt bc of miscommunications many times before and I've gotten over it once I learned it was a miscommunication. These women I'm dealing with are realizing that what I'm proposing is a good idea, BUT this, and BUT that and most of what they come up with is a lie anyway just bc they don't want to do something that benefits someone they are mad at even if it benefits them a lot more. I'm about to say forget it! Good luck in the future that you don't have a plan for and I'll be living with my guy friend while I pursue my three jobs in my last year of college and then I'll be moving out of this god forsaken state to fulfill my calling as a teacher in a better environment. where will you be?

And families need to believe in each other NO MATTER WHAT! I know that the economy is down, I know that it is hard to make a living, I know that I'm used to an expensive lifestyle. I know all of these things that bring me down when I think about my future, but I have a plan for myself and I have never not accomplished what I set out to do. You won't see me set out to have a room mate, and then go without one. Not gonna happen. You're not going to witness me graduate and then not find a job either. I'm going to find a job and it's going to be in a better place then MI. I'm going to do this whether you believe me or not, but if you're someone important in my life, I don't care what you think is going to happen, u better tell me that I will achieve my goals and that u believe in me. I don't need another thing pulling me down.

You know what? If you don't believe in me, just keep it to yourself. There's no reason to bombard me with your negativity when I'm doing good.

OH RECAP ON MY LIFE: I will be working at kickers in canton (or some place like it) on the weekend night, I will hopefully get the MHS part-time job that is tuesday/thursday all day and then one day on the weekend, and I will still have a few hours at the ECEC (or my frds mom's school as a breaker). I will be taking calc in the summer, and I will be taking at least one class in the second summer semester. Then fall will be 4 classes and winter will be my last semester ever with 4/5 classes. I will then graduate and I will have enough money saved up to move me to where ever I get hired (NC or CA). I'll move there, start my little life as a teacher, and go from there. That's what's happening, jump on board and believe it, or get off and don't let me know :)

what i want want want

doesn't have to be what u want want want.

I have been an emotional reck this past week. Not only have I been going through greek week which is stressful on its own, I have been trying to get a job and I have pinpointed my reasons for missing doug in my life. It's not doug, and its not sam. My depression was coming from a completely different source and now that I know what was causing it, I am making steps to fix it. Of course this requires work from all parties involved, and yes, it includes several people, but where there's a will there's a way and there is a STRONG will in this situation. I just got back from talking to my dad, ACTUALLY talking to him :O it's a new concept I'm trying to implement into my life haha. Anyways, he makes me feel so much better about everything. He lays out the facts of my life and reassures me that I have good solid plans for my future. He didn't actually say it, but from his tone and some of the things he said, I could tell he was proud of me for being who I am today. It's been such a long time since I've felt supported by someone other than my sorority sisters to do the things that I want and it felt so good to hear his approval and encouragement tonight. It was exactly what I needed to help de-stress from this God awful week.

Also I want to note that I'm lucky to have frds who care so much for me. My frd is willing to go above and beyond what other ppl in my life should be willing to do for me but aren't at the time being. He offered to move in with me and he seriously started looking for places and let me know that he understands the need to have someone to say good night to at the end of the day. He understood that I missed having someone to watch TV with. It felt good to have that friendship kind of unveil itself today and I although I think the person who needs to step up will, causing me to no longer need a roomie, I won't forget how selfless and kind he has been to me. The world could use a few more ppl like him and if he ever opens up and let me know that he needs anything from me, I hope that I can show him the same kindness that he has shown me. I'm glad I met him <3

SIDE NOTE; one of Sam's fraternity brother's was very out of line last night while talking to me. SO today I asked Sam (via text) if he could clarify that I'm not a whore for his brothers since I'm sure he was the one who gave them this idea in the first place. Sam agreed and apologized repeatedly for his brother's behavior and what was so strange about this was he guessed who it was. Before that another PSP guy told me I was too pretty to be off the market from men for a year and Doug was able to guess who that was. I didn't think I was THAT oblivious to things, but apparently I am bc they both could see these boys had a thing for me while I was completely blind sided. I wanted to note that Sam was acting very protective of me when he found out, that also was nice to know that he was there for me too in a lesser way than before.

I have such great friends in my life, but I need that underlying foundation if I want to be complete. So that's what I'm doing, I'm fixing the holes in my foundation one brick at a time. trust me, easier said than done.

Back to basics

Today I'm starting to feel like my life is back to normal. I did my practicum in the morning, then went to work until five. When I got home from that I took lady bugger for a walk to the mailbox and then to get pizza from Jets. She was really good while we waited for the pizza, everyone loved her! Then I came home and ate dinner with my baby girl and watched Icarly, which has a very good message for a young audience.

Anyway I feel like I should state that I am doing a single challenge for a year. I will will be single for 365 days and nights. I also want to note that I got a fb message from a phi sig who will remain unidentified that said I was, and I quote, "wayyyy too cute to be off the market from us men." HAHA I love the PSP boys (and no, this psp was not sam, doug, brian, or any of my other closer frds in this fraternity).

Doug

Doug was a short but wonderful chapter in my life. He was everything I needed to help me see that there is potential in men to be what I need them to be. He turned out to be a little shaddy, and I'm still not 100% positive he's been completely honest with me, but that just mean I need to add some things to PNM's list. I didn't learn too much from this relationship like I learned from Sam, but I did learn that I am a good person who has her head on straighter than most adults. This relationship was pretty much a confidence booster bc all of the aspects Sam tore apart and hated about me, Doug loved and embraced. I now know that I'm not crazy and I do handle arguments in a mature manner that is productive. I am not annoying when I ask to be texted when my bf gets home from leaving me at 2am in bad weather. I'm not a bad person bc I expect my bf to be there for me when I need him. Doug taught me a lot about myself as I am now, but he also taught me a lot about who I want to be as a mother, or rather who I don't want to be as a mother. But no matter how well suited we were for each other, the fact of the matter is I need someone who is willing to stick up for me (I believe that's already a requirement). Doug failed at that one aspect of a relationship where a boy is supposed to tell his family to go screw themselves when they tell him who he can a cannot date and how he is supposed to date them. That was his one major flaw and that is why we are no longer together. It just sucks bc we weren't ready for it to be over, I was still having fun in my honey moon phase.

PS. When he told me we had to break up, and I replied "that sucks, I really liked u." And he responded with watery eyes, "yeah, I was in love with u." Just thought that needed to be somewhere in here for later reflection.

solution

I am forgetting all his mistakes from last night and pretending like the night ended after the crush party (b4 he deleted his text messages and what not). I went to bed and dreamed of how he used to be (ya know, perfect), and now it's up to him to show me that he's still my boo and not my bear. He knows this and I know he can do it, he know what he did wrong and I pray he knows how to not do it again bc next time, I might not be in such a generous mood.

Switching gears it's really pushing my buttons that he and I were both on fb and I was about to chat him but though, lets let him step up and show me that he wants to talk to me. I sat here for a few minutes and he didn't chat me. This is why I think I want to get rid of fb bc it just pisses me off when ppl suck at using it. He never writes on my wall, some ppl are totally fake on there, and ppl misread into things posted way too often. It's not fb's fault, it's these ugly ppl here who make it into this drama feeding network. UGH, W/E! I'm going shopping with my girls and I'm venting to them the rest of the night. Hopefully that will make me feel better b/c dancing my butt off today didn't really do much for my bad mood and Lord knows I can't count on Doug to change it around! He's consistently making it worse lately.

I pray that he calls me tonight or makes some effort to talk to me and show me that he cares about me. He usually comes over saturday nights so, we will see my dears. we will see.

BEAR

They drive me crazy. Even the good ones. He had a blue bracelet, I had a purple one. When he got out of my car he left his by mine and the whole ride home I kept looking at it, thinking. the night was bad for me.... It started out fine. Then I went to see if he had saved a pic of me that I had sent him and he freaked out and deleted ALL HIS TEXT MESSAGES! *mistake #1* He was hiding something from me and he swore up and down that it was just an argument with his mom he didn't want me to see but I knew there was more. Later I learned his mom had called me a bitch bc she doesn't approve of doug and I. Doug told me he stood up for me and things got uglier bc he didn't want her calling me names. It's just eating me up that I can't know for sure what exactly was said and who he might have been texting other than his mother. I want to trust him but boys who delete texts so their gfs can't read them are not trustworthy.... I made a mistake letting him in my life and now I'm making a mistake by letting it get to me. ALSO tonight his ex was at the party, GO FIGURE. they hug and she asks if he wants to smoke with her and he says yeah for old time sake. *mistake #2* WRONG ANSWER BOO. especially since u told me what u like to do when u smoke. not making me happy. BUT WORSE. I'm outside bc I just don't know what the heck is going on with him and he comes out to talk to me and is a totally different person. He says he hates her and called her a bitch and that he'd never smoke with her. *mistake #3* totally two faced. 3 strikes, he should be out, but he's not. what am I doing? I let him into my life and he is usually perfect but tonight he was far from it and it sucks bc now I'm left staring at our bracelets that have somehow managed to stay overlapped despite the fact that their owners are so distant from one another. We are on two completely different planes. He is understanding what I want from him and he's giving me what he thinks a girl would want to have. I understand that he's trying to protect me and make me happy by not showing that his mom thinks I'm a bitch or let me know that he wants to smoke with brandi (who by the way is a complete and utter slut, so no competition there). But by doing this he doesn't see that he is acting like sam circa '09 and forgetting that I"m not like other girls. I'm not going to break down bc one person in this world called me a bitch. Im not going to freak out if he wants to smoke with brandi. I'm not going to act like any other girl he might know, I'm going to act like me. I'm more mature (even though he thinks Chloe is) than any other girl he knows. I'm above the whole calling names and trying to split up couples thing. I can handle it and he needs to let me handle it or I'm going to have to cut him loose.

As for his mother. I'm not going to bash her bc I really don't need to, but I am going to say this; any adult who calls a 20 yr old girl who has done nothing but make her son happy a bitch is extremely pathetic. It's called being an adult, it allows you to be able to handle situations better than 12 yr olds can. Although I don't care what someone of this mind set thinks of me, I have decided to try to make things work between her and I bc it would hurt Doug if we didn't get along. Unlike the 'adult' in this situation, I am going to talk to her one on one and get everything out in the open and discuss ways we can get around whatever things she has against me.

My family might not be perfect, but they would never call names or make judgements based on what they think they know about someone I'm involved with. I'm glad I came from a more respectable household than that.

generous heart? not here...

Angela, from BONES of course, puts it best when she expresses that she's afraid that she doesn't have a generous heart anymore. I feel like I'm at that stage in my life where I second guess everyone who opens up to me and I hardly ever open up to anyone else. I have been through a lot, and I have been burned by ppl who were really close to me. Girls in my sorority have stabbed me in the back and that was the one place I was told I go for support in any decision I was making. I think that really messed me up bc I could def handle Sam, I could handle being alone all the time, but I can't wrap my mind around my sorority sister deliberately hurting me and having nothing to say to my face afterwards. Tonight's meeting was a sob fest of older girls showing us how much they have grown to depend on the sorority and I was like that too. I depended on my sisters to be there for me when all hell broke loose and at the FIRST sign of trouble I get burned. The instance I'm talking about is just with one girl in particular, although there have been others over time, but this girl was one I looked up to coming into greek life. We had a discussion about life once for a stupid ice breaker but I remember everything she told me. I told her that she was my role model and that I looked up to her. She knew how I felt about her and although we weren't very close, she should not have done what she did.

Long story short I have drawn back from the sorority and I miss it. I miss being excited about everything and being able to look at someone who knows what I'm thinking bc of a previous conversation and laugh. I have closed myself off to them and probably a lot of other ppl too. I mean seriously, if I see a girl crying, I run the other way bc I don't want to get my heart involved in anything. I don't have that generous heart that once loved Sam and all of my sisters anymore and I'm not sure I can bare to have it back. Idk if I'm strong enough to put myself out there and open up to some of these wonderful women. I'm just not sure. I'm in this weird phase of not knowing who I should let into my life and who I close out. I fixed my love life but I forgot that my social life is a little fake now.... speaking of fake.... I feel like my relationship with doug is fake too but that's a different blog for a different day and keep in mind that I'm sick right now and this could just be the cold talking.

SSSIIIIiiiiiiIICCCCcccccKKKKKKKkkkkk!!

Yesterday I had an itchy throat. So of course I scratched it. At night it was hurting but I assumed it was just sore from my scratching it so I stopped scratching it and it continued to hurt worse. The I felt heat across my sinus area so I knew I was getting sick. This morning my throat is almost unbearable and my nose is so runny :( I'm achy all over and my head won't stop pounding. I called around for subs but of course only one person actually answered and she was like "well it's 8 now and I live 20 minutes away so after I get ready it'll be around 10." Seriously women? It takes u and hour and a half just to shower and get ready for work? They're kids, you don't need look ur best! But I had to go with her anyway bc she was the only person. I called Tammy and I guess they really need ppl.... I feel so bad bc I want to go in and work but I can't and if I did force myself to go in, I could get other ppl, and kids that I adore, sick. I have to finish my pp that's due at 6 but I can't focus on anything except my body wanting to rest and recover from this. I'm not going to the doctors only bc I hate how anti-bioctics makes me feel and that's really all they could give me since I have decongestives here.I think I'll sleep a little longer and finish my pp before my practicum.... I need to go to that bc I missed 2 days already with SB but the kids are bigger and I'll keep my distance from them. At the preschool they all want to sit on my lap and hug me and what not.

PIE DAY!

Just occurred to me that today is pie day, which means it *was* also the day Sam got the balls to ask me out 4 years ago. It's nice to not have to worry about that though, our last anniversary was a disaster bc he was out with his frds when I wanted to make dinner together and it was just awful. But I learned that the next guy I celebrate a 3 year anniversary with will be willing to put me above his friends on special days like that. HUMM, that reminds me of DOUG! HA! This irony is seriously killing me and I hope you guys see it too. I'm not sure if I wrote about the birthday thing and doug and his ex gf's graduation party on my birthday whole situation thing, but when I asked doug if he thought going to her graduation was a higher priority then being with me on my birthday, he said not at all and that he'll be with me that day if I wanted him to be. SO CUTE and SO exactly what I need right now. So yeah, 4 year anniversary, NOPE! Just pie day guys, nothing else!

Happy PIE DAY!

hum, cheating? me? naw!

So I've had to keep my where abouts the last three nights a secret from Doug for reasons beyond my control, so I understand that that secret makes a mind wander. I personally wouldn't be ok with not knowing where he was, but he seemed fine with it when I explained to him and that was that. Well, someone (an unknown 313 number) texted doug and said your gf cheated on u last night or something along those lines. So I wake up to a text from Doug asking me to explain. I called him and realized that he's not ok with not knowing where I am those three nights and that he kind of believed that text. So I told him where'd I had been and where I will be a few other nights that were supposed to stay secret and he understood why I hadn't told him to begin with. I told him that I wasn't cheating on him, but I'm not sure he believed it..... I just don't like how ppl try to get innocent ppl hurt. This is a definite social flaw that needs to fixed asap. Unfortunately we cannot control anyone other than ourselves so I will have to deal with it. I just hope Doug stops this second guessing thing he's doing with me. I'm one of those brutally honest ppl, granted not as brutal as he is, but still, I'll give true facts and I don't hide things when I'm in a relationship. He needs to understand that and I think he will. It's just hard bc I've been so busy this week that we haven't had the chance to see each other.

From my phone

I haven't blogged from my phone in a long time but I'm sitting in panera taking time to relax my body and mind to some jazz thinking about how I would sum up my life. I think it would go something like this;
Stephanie pentiuk is a single (as in not married doug!) 20 yr old girl who lives the life of a full grown adult, aside from being able to get into bars after 9. Her one strong bond with another life is with her dog who she has cared for over 10 yrs, or rather half of her life. She represents the values of delta phi epsilon on a day to day basis whether she's at u of m Dearborn studying education of elementary students or volunteering at the Westland Michigan humane society. Holdin the position of alum coordinator in her sorority, Stephanie organizes events for 100 alum monthly since July 2090. Over her past years studying in her program she has completes two practicums (one that hired her after completion of the 45 required hrs), taught various lessons in 3 different elementary school, and held an internship for a semester teaching an after school math program at mac arthur academy. She currently holds a job at a preschool in Dearborn working with ages 2-4. Stephanie values people over money and that's what makes her so loveable.

The end.

feels like the crowd is saying give me more!

Since I have gotten back in MI, my life has pretty much been non stop running around. Right now I am emercing myself is precalc since I failed to study over break and I have a test tomorrow. But this has made me realize how incredibly amazing I am, body and mind. Despite the crazy running around, poor eating habits, and no gym time, I lost 5lbs since I have returned from SB. I have managed to organize an alum dinner and a fundraiser and made huge dents in planning the big alum luncheon in may. I have stayed on top of my studies, I nailed my midterm that I hardly studied for, and I had time to get a chiro adjustment. This is all in 4 days ppl. The thing I'm really proud of myself for lately, is understand ch. 2 for precalc. I managed to do problems from every section (that's 8 sets of 70-100 problems) in two days and understand the material. I'm going to do really good on this test bc I'm incredible like that. I can envision an A+ being handed back to me. I can feel my hand writing down the correct answers as fast as it can go. I can taste the satisfaction of turning in an A+ paper. So it will happen. That's the secret ya know ;)

Cali

I'm pretty sure this is where I"m going to live. I am going to get a wonderful teaching career in california and pursue a side career as a chief. That's really all.

In my next thirty years

This upcoming school year will be my last year of college and as such I am thinking about after college. Here's the plan. I need to start colunary arts school asap so I can start it this summer. I will hopefully get both degrees at the same time, colunary arts degree and education BS. A semester before I graduate I will begin appling to schools to get a teaching job. This will be first to new elementary schools in CA that need teachers, then to the older ones in CA, then places like Arizona, North and South Carolinas, and Michigan as a last resort. For the record I'm going to say that I am offered a teaching job somewhere in CA. This means that I will move out to CA. I need to start saving up for this move bc I most likely will be moving out of state and since I want to be a cheif at a major restaurant I should get my foot in the door in the restaurant industry. SO back up to now, where I apply for waitressing at classy establishments such as the DAC Grill.

Fast forward to a few years down the road, I have both degrees, I've been offered a great teaching job in CA, and am now moving to CA with my dog and my car. I will need to find a roomate or two, but once living quarters are out of the way I want to spend the next few years getting settled into my career and probably cooking at a nice restaurant on the weekends for extra cash. This is as far as I can go into my future without a second person being present. If I don't find someone suitable to marry by this time, I will most likely want to do something with my colunary skills, such as start a catering business for major events in the summer suring my time off. So then I would be a teacher and a cheif a few weekends during the school year and a caterer and cheif in the summer. Then when I am ready to care for children I will adopt. If that second person steps in my life and I want to take a chance and marry him, then everything will stay the same except the children will be ours instead of adopted.

Then when my IRA matures and I'm 65 and 1/2 or whatever age it is, the children will be grown, and I can move anywhere in the world to retire to. THE END :)

MHS

The MHS trained me to do two more jobs today. One is pretty cool. I give each cat at the center a folder that I've been putting together for the first few weeks. I fill out the info, make out 'cage cards' that ppl read, and then I get to go put the collars on the kitties! Today I did two 4 month old kittens and they were SO cute and nice. The second job is more professional. I go on the data base and look up volunteers who haven't been updating their hours for the petsmart offsite position. Then I go down the list and look at each profile individually and check them out. Then I call them and talk to them about getting more involved or give them directions for the online time sheets and hour log, or put them on the list to be trained, basically do what I can to get them back into volunteering at petsmart. I also donated what was left from Darma to the center for the the little critters. Now I'm finishing up packing right on schedule and then waiting for doug to stop by for a little bit before I drive down to my grandma's for the night. By night, I mean to drop lady off and sleep for about 4 hours before Nana takes us all to the airport so we can board our plane to San Diego, CA!!!!! I'm so excited! But I'm nervous leaving my laptop behind since I have so much homework to do. I'm bringing a flash disk and using Amanda's computer bc I can't fit this into my bags safely.... It'll be ok though, it's just school :P

lying vs leaving out IMP facts

So Doug told me he was going get highlights today. He told me it would be before his presentation. What he didn't tell me was Jessica Matthews was doing it for him. I don't care that she did it, I care that he didn't tell me she was going to do it. I think this bothers me bc Jenya walked by today and asked if I had seen him yet and that Jessica said they looked good. So I texted him and told him that word on street has it he looks pretty good with highlights. He asked who said that and I told him the Jessica told Jenya that. Perfect opportunity to say well she's the one who did them, or it was her handy work, or yeah she did a good job on me, something that indicates that he's not hiding it from me.

I get fb tonight and Jessica Matthews chats me and says I should have been there bc she washed his hair or something idk all I'm paying attention to is the fact that he didn't want me to know that he was going to have jessica do his hair. This is the dumbest thing ever, they're frds. Why wouldn't he say she was going to do it for him? I feel like that's an important piece of information. He does this a lot I'm realizing and I don't like it. I love that he's honest with me but is this really being honest? It just sounds like lying to me. We're going to have to talk about this the day before I leave for California but you know what? If he can't promise to tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth from this day forward (OK, a little exaggerated) then pish. I'm back to square one and I'll have to make another requirement list.

I'm glad he likes his hair though. I hope I do too :)

UMMM yeah just found out why he was busy tonight. He's going over Abee's house with a bunch of ppl including Jessica Matthews... AGAIN why is he hiding this from me? This is like holding a match to a burn victim.

boys and my birthdays....

So I usually have a wonderful time on my birthday no matter what age I'm turning, but this year it's my 21st. I am getting a party bus Friday the 18th of June and I'm wearing a pink dress. All my guests must pay up front and wear a color other than pink :) We are going to begin the evening around 11 with a champaign toast to a beautiful 21 years of life then driving around to clubs and bars. I haven't planned the exact places yet but I'm thinking I want the classier bars in AA my sister told me about. Anyway! The boy will most likely come on the bus with me and my frds BUT, and this is a HUGE BUT, on my birthday, Saturday the 19th of June, he will be with his EX g/f chloe at her graduation party, as in graduation from HS. You know, the g/f he dedicated a song on his album to which is titled something like "i love you too babe." This doesn't make me happy, but I have to accept it. I know that I personally would never go to my ex b/f's anything over Doug's birthday day..... I guess we didn't really have plans that day but as a b/f I expect that he'd want to woo me that day somehow and there no way I'm going be wooed by him if he's with her. My instinct is saying trust him and don't think about it, but reality is saying she's a 17 yr old girl who used to be in love with him and since they haven't been that close as far as I know I'm just a little confused when looking at the details that surround this. It's my birthday and he's not only not going to see me, but he's going to be with another girl celebrating something of hers instead of something of mine. IDK man, I'm kind of tired of bf thinking I don't expect anything from them on my actual birthday. My last birthday Sam gave me a promise ring and forgot to make the promise.... seriously? it's just a ring if you do that and I can buy myself a better looking ring that means more to me. I'm just going to continue with my plans bc on my actual birthday night I'm going to reserve a booth at this nice club in Dbo I think for all my 21 and upper frds. Doug couldn't go anyway. Hopefully that day between me waking up and night time goes by ok bc I can just see me getting really upset from thinking about this too much while I sit alone in my apt on my birthday. ugh.... this is no good.... it's my birthday!

on a brighter note, this boy is seriously my other half. He wants to take me to the Oasis Hot tub gardens in AA. I've only been twice, once with Sam and I had to plan it all a pay for it and make sure he packed everything he needed... blah blah blah.... Doug is going to pretty much do it all and guess what? He can pack himself :O I know, it's amazing but I'm pretty sure he's good with that. It's so nice to have a bf who likes to do fun things! last night he took me to the hookah bar and we shared a smoothie, how cute is that? And he says the cutest things and he started touching me more, that sounds bad..... he started touching my face and putting his arm around me when we're out and that kind of touching. I'm glad that this is getting better with time and not worse like it usually does.Our relationship is like wine in that sense :) did I mention I wanted to spend sunday the 20th of June drinking wine and snuggling with Doug? We'll see if that happens or if I even still feel like drinking after two nights of actually drinking legally :X or if I'll want to snuggle with his after spending my birthday alone without him knowing he's with her. I used to love the name Chloe..... I wanted to name my kid Chloe, now this girl has kind of ruined that for me.

BONES

I love this show. It is stimulating in every way a television show can be. I just watched 3 episodes and had to really force myself not to watch the other 2 just yet, I must ration so I don't have to endure a dry spell again. Anyway, none of my frds are into this show so I'm going to talk about it on here. Angela and hodgens were engaged but then broke up. Her father tracked down hodgens, knocked him out, and put a huge tattoo of Angela's face and name on his arm. He was left in the middle of a desert to wake up to find this new piece of art and I thought it was brilliant. I've always wondered what I would do if someone ever hurt me. With Sam it was change living quarters and rejoice in my new single aura, but what if someone cheated on me or broke my heart before I was ready for the relationship to end? Now I know. It's not violent, or even really permanent since tattoos can be removed by very costly and painful procedure that often leaves deep scaring or the tissue affected, but it does the job sending the message of this person has hurt someone and bc of that he was once a bad person. It's fitting too, with the tattoo being a metaphor of being tattooed on one's heart forever and the scaring after removal like the scaring he left behind when he metaphorically removed himself from my heart. I can't think of anything better, or that matter funnier. I was cracking up when hodgens opened his eyes all alone in the desert to find the tattoo! So yeah, in short, it's good show.

It does put me in a very analytical mood though. I talked to Doug after watching an episode and he asked is he should be thinking of a way of revenge in case I ever cheated on him and I expressed that it would be the only logical thing to do since we determined that we *could* cheat on each other especially while away from one another. And I talked to him about the living with a guy thing which he didn't like at all but said he needed to think about where he stood on the matter. I kind of liked to see the jealous side of him for a change, it showed me that he does care about me and that's why we are in a monogamous relationship despite the historic human nature of depending on more than one partner to satisfy our needs. Dr. Brennan (aka BONES) says that human beings are not a monogamous species and that's her basis of why she could never get married. That and the fact that we could never tell how we will feel about someone in the future scientifically. GAWD i love this show! HAHA she was in a bridal dress store with Booth (the attractive angel actor) during an investigation and of course the owner thought they were tying the knot so she holds up a white vail to Bones and says this works well with your face shape and Bones replies, "Well that implies virginity and I have been sexually active for quite some time now." HAHAHA I love it. I love bones, I love booth, I love the show. And I hope I didn't scare Doug. I didn't mean that I might cheat on him, just that if it were me I would like to have a plan to release some vengeance in a healthy way in case that happens in this relationship or any other relationship he might have down the road. I did make it clear that if he isn't ok with the living with a boy and we are still together that I could change what I wanted and therefore change the arrangements all together. Now I kind of feel bad about that though bc if I know I can live with this boy without any sexual or romantic tension then I would most likely do it regardless unless of course I saw potential in Doug as a future husband and father of my children. It is way to early to even hypothesis if I could feel that way about him by August though, so I guess what I told him was partly true. I don't think I'd stay with someone again if I didn't feel something along those lines........ he would be a good father though, JUST SAYING!

Living arrangments

I decided that living on my own is really depressing. I come home to lady who's real excited to see me, but I miss the language of someone saying "hey you're home! I missed u!" or something along those lines. Also, I used to love the fact that if I didn't come home no one would worry, but now I hate it. If I don't come home at night someone should be concerned about my whereabouts. It's just not normal..... SO I've been keeping my eyes pen for a roomie in August when my lease is up. Girl wise there's Dani who lives in the upper flat of a house in detroit right across warren from school. There's Adrianna, but I think she's pretty much set in AP with her sister and I'm not sure if they even need another renter or fit an extra renter in that house. Then there are the newbies who want to move out of their parents, could probably do it if they wanted it, but probably won't be ready by August. Then there are the boys. I know a lot of boys who are living on their own or with a roomie right now, but I have my eye on this one boy. I've known him for a few years now and we're pretty close now. He lives on his own right now with another couple in a house but is looking to move out at the end of summer. I haven't even proposed this to anyone yet bc it is unorthodox fo sho! BUT I could see myself sharing a living space with him.I feel like it would be easier, I know boys are messier, but he pretty much always eats fast food, he would always compliment me and be fun to be around, he wouldn't get crabby once a month, and who better to have in the next room when there's a spider or a bad dream then a boy? Plus, I hear from a pretty sound source that you never want to live with your best frd bc it always ends bad. AND when two girls live together or even spend a lot of time together, they start to have the same cycle which would be horrible! We'd be at each other's throats all week! Plus they might be neater then I am or have different styles, a boy would just go with the flow and accept my style and add his to it if anything. Then there's the whole she's prettier then me factor I would most likely fall into at some point in the arrangement. With a boy I could help him dress, he could maybe help me, but mostly he wouldn't threaten my view of myself. I think it's a good idea, the only problem is the boy I want to live with won't live with his romantic partner b4 he's married, but since we're not in anyway romantically involved there's a chance. I'm just crossing my fingers yet, I just know I want a boy and not a girl to come home to at the end of a long day. I have until August to find a roomie and I know you don't always get what u want so if I can only get a girl, that's fine and I'll do my best to make it work.

It's going to be difficult explaining this to Doug if we're still together, but if anyone would be flexible enough to accept this it's him. He's so amazing in that area of giving me my freedom to do whatever I want. I will never date a clingy or jealous boy again. They are no good for anyone.

Dreams

Dream 1) This was a wonderful dream. I was surrounded by chocolate, carmel chocolate, chocolate strawberries, football shaped chocolate, etc. It began as a tour of sorts where I was being lead around like in a garden. We 'picked' strange looking things and ate around thorns and outer peels to discover that they were all chocolate! It was like a patch of different kinds of chocolate plants! I picked a 'bushel' full of 'chocolates' and brought them home where I melted them in my warm hand and licked up the melted chocolate. Then my alarm rang and I hit the snooze button hoping I could jump back into my chocolately dreams but then someone texted me so I had to open my eyes. It was ok though bc the text said SNOW DAY! Which mean I didn't have to wake up and I didn't have the midterm I've been stressing over. So I went back to sleep and tried to get back in the mode of chocolate patches full of strange chocolates!

Dream 2) NOT as nice as the first. I was out, I think buying chocolate, when my apt complex called me saying they picked up motion on the motion detector in my apt and they knew I was out. I thought of lady immediately and could hardly get out the words GO INSIDE, they were asking my permission for entry. I dropped what I was doing and sped home to find the maintenance ppl hold Lady down. She was just finishing having a seizure. I thanked them and took her the hospital, not the vet bc u know she's human in my mind. At the hospital they had to do surgery and when that ended I went in to see her hooked up to an IV in her back and another thing of meds sticking in her back. Her mouth had a tourniquet (Is that the word for that rubber band they use to pool blood into ur arm before draining it?) on it for some reason not understood by me bc she could still 'talk' to me when she woke up. I touched her cute little head and she woke up and ran right into me (we were both on the floor pillow since she was a dog, not a human :P When she did that the tubes came out and she turned around and went back to her floor bed so the nurse could put them back in. The nurse told be it's best to let her rest but she'd be ok.

THEN the weird stuff happened. I left Lady's room to go into the children's ward where a ruckus was break out among a family. The little boy had gone missing. I walked on my path but was soon followed by two teenaged boys who looked to be carrying GUNS! the only way I could go down this hall was into the place where dead ppl are. one of them instructed me to open each small door. I opened one and out popped this boy! He jumped out at me and the shooting began! Then one thing lead to another and the hospital was on fire! The kid's dad was on the other side of the doors, both of the first teenaged boys were dead, or more so blown up with their remains all over the boy and myself....it was quite disturbing. The boy stared hard at his father I had heard talking earlier, now aiming a gun at his son who was about to set off a bomb. The father had to shoot his sun to save the entire hospital, even I, just walking into this mess, knew that. He shot and the boy went down, but I could tell he wasn't dead. The father ran in and I ran out! I ran straight to Lady. The nurse was unhooking all the other dogs in her ward and by the time I got to lady she was ready to be placed in my arms once again. I ran out of that hospital before I started crying. I had seen so many deaths in just one little dream, I wanted to go back to chocolate heaven, not war zone hospital. Lady licked my face and when I opened my eyes she was wagging her tail. She was saying thank you and that she loved me.

Flash forward to the boy's father in a classroom reading a book to several handicap children. His son, the one about to blow up the hospital, rolls into the room in a wheel chair. The two exchange smiles and head nods and the father continues reading while the boy takes his spot next to another wheel chair. The boy will be paralyzed forever from the waist down, but he has forgiven his father and his father has forgiven his boy.

Don't know why...

Last night Doug came by for a little bit and made me happy once again :) But after he left B.H. texted me and then called me. I was already in bed so I figured I'd talk to him until I fell asleep, but that didn't happen. We talked until 6:30am..... I don't even know what I was saying to him so I hope nothing too bad LOL! I don't know why he wanted to talk to me, but I remember we talked about his Andrea and marriage a lot.

Today I had to study for a midterm tomorrow night so I'm sitting on the couch watching platinum weddings while I flip through my flash cards and occasionally flipping to 16 and pregnant. I'm going, "man, I want to be her! She's so happy!" Then "THX GAWD that's not me! Her life sucks!" haha

I don't understand why, but I have such a big head ache. Stupid school is making me unhappy. I had to cancel going to see my frds brother play in his band tonight bc I know I have that midterm tomorrow.

ugh All I did today was go to the Library, go over kiki's to get my key bc i locked myself out of my apt again, then dropped a book off to Faith and then came home and studied my heart out while watching these strange shows. I'm too cute to not go out tonight! I should have went with Dilly to listen to the band play instead of sitting here studying. I'm gonna get a B anyway, didn't we already establish that I'm a B student no matter what I do? I feel so BLAH when I study this stuff, it's like "the instructions should be simplified to accommodate for all multiple intelligences" which just means keep ur lesson plan simple. why can't they just say, keep ur lesson plans simple? I don't know why....

Perhaps I'll call Dilly and meet her out there, it's just in plymouth, I'm sure I can find it.

Sam

Last night in my "this isn't me" mood I remembered that I didn't even say happy birthday to Sam. It's not entirely my fault since he blocked me on fb and we don't see each other much, but we do text once in awhile (usually he texts me but that's besides the point). Anyway I texted him and asked how his birthday went. I didn't get a reply until I had fallen asleep so I didn't check it until this morning. We are now having a long conversation about the old days where he's like remember this and I'm like yea? what of it? and he's like that was funny. I can see how I've changed and with his relationship with me I think it's a necessary change. I just need to learn to turn off the snobbiness and be the old Stephanie who is super sweet. I need to realize that not everyone is going to take advantage of me like he and few girls have. I need to recognize Doug as a person who wants to better my life, not destroy it like Sam wanted.

When I say snobbiness, I mean this. Sam: I told Marcus how much I used to hate him. Me: ...OK. Did that make you feel better or something? Sam: We both just thought it was funny.

Old me would have had this convo. Sam: I told Marcus how much I used to hate him. Me: Haha that's funny, how'd he respond? Sam: He thought it was funny too.

BUT the old me's way makes sam feel like we're frds again, when we aren't, so the new me way is considerably better for situations like that. The flip side of this is that the new me makes Doug think I'm constantly PMSing, which isn't good lol. I need to tap into the old me so that Doug feel like I love him and not just saying that after being so cold and sarcastic. This is difficult. I used to be able to read everyone and tell if I should be sarcastic or be soft with them. I could tell if they were going to walk all over me or soften to my warmth as a frd. I think since I was so way off with Sam subconsciously I am doubting my abilities to do this anymore. I have to get my confidence back in this reading ppl thing.

HA SIDE NOTE: Sam just broke the rule, he asked how Doug and I were doing. I responded well, his initials are DHW, as in Desperate housewives, so we're doing good! lol, how's Katlyn? Sam: haha things between katlyn and I are relaxing, easy and fun. So we're good as well. (like why did we have to have that little convo? we were talking about marcus.....not relationships) I think I'm done talking to him now. he still has the idea that I care about him in his head.... I do still care about him, but like I care about a bum on the side of the street, not like I care about a frd. There's a big diff that he's completely missing despite my snobbiness.

DEPRESSION

Strangest thing happened, I started to get depressed. Somewhere between gathering Darma's things to donate to the MHS, tanning, and a nice run at the gym I started to feel like I didn't know myself. This city, Canton. I don't know this city. This girl who likes pink and purple in her bedroom, who is she and where have I gone? My bf, I don't know what his motives are. I started off today as a confident mature women who volunteers her time and attend college and ended today as a little girl who doesn't understand what she is doing here in this strange world. I've been such a jerk lately to everyone around me, I get so defensive and hard like I have to constantly protect myself from everyone around me. I say I love you, but what I mean is I love what you do for me. I want to say I love you and mean that I am in love with you but that requires a trust that I"m not sure I have in humanity anymore. Perhaps I've been scarred once too many in my 20 years of living. Perhaps this defensive girl who can't make up her mind is who I'm meant to be. This fake world of lies and cold hearts, is this where I'm supposed to be? ask me that question yesterday and I'd say yea, fo sho, but tonight..... I'm going to go with no. I was made by the hands of God to be warm and loving. It's hard to stay like that when everyone you know has a secret agenda. I'm not putting this on Doug, but I don't know what he wants. This whole no talking about the future crap I am supporting makes me feel like there is no future. GAWD! even as I write that line, that there is no future, I believe it! I have no future with Doug. I have no future in this world. I have no future. There is no future. there is no true love, there is no honesty, there is no good relationships, there is no warmth that lasts longer than a night.

Maybe it's that the flowers he gave me have began to wilt, maybe it's that I gave up chocolate for lent and am going into with draws, but this whole depression thing sucks. I wish I could just say I'm PMSing and be done with it, but I'm not. I'm just depressed tonight I can't see my mood changing any time soon.

puppies and children and purple/green rooms

There was a litter of 6 puppies at the MHS today, only one was really fluffy. I had so much fun watching them play around with each other and then I was moved out front to do some paper work. Then I saw a bunch of kids coming in, like they were on a feild trip or something. I saw 4 puppies get adopted out to nice ppl and it was so great to see how happy they were! One girl had to finish adopting later bc her niece was being born! How exciting to get a new puppy and a new baby on the same day! I love both of those things so being a part of that today made me very happy!

So in this great mood I was in I ran to Target to finally get a lamp for my bedroom. I knew what I wanted and hoped that they had something similar. They did and I ended up spending $60 on the lamp, 5 new candles, some kitchen supplies, and a new pillow. It was worth it though, everything looks awesome now and I'm happy with my new and improved room. So far, it's been a pretty good day. Now I just have to vacuum and do the dishes before lunch time :)

Oh life and Karen Walker

Today was such a good day! Last night Doug came over and completely swept me off my feet and threw me head over heals yet again! So I was starting from a good base. I went to work and on the way I was blessed enough to catch the bright sun rise up over the world. Work went swimmingly, the kids love me and I got to hold little nina who reminds me of a young Kristen with the jet black hair and round little concerned face. She's so on my fave list along with Noah (age 2), Noah (age 4), Nora, Conner, James, Madison, Laura (age 4 reading at a third grade level!), and so many others, all of which I was able to get hugs from today! If that's not enough to brighten a day, the sun was so extremely bright! I worse my sunglasses from Japan and it made me remember so many good times over seas. I was able to work out on my break between classes and since my last class got done early I was able to catch the last Bikram Yoga Class of the evening. Then I went shopping and got lots of good stuff including but not limited to baby swiss cheese, morning star chx nugget and burgers, fajita veggies, veggie soup, and smart one's lunch 'meatless.' When I got home I watched my favorite episode of Will & Grace, the one where Grace joins AA bc of the free food and ppl who have to listen to her rant about her recent divorce.

Karen walker; AA is against everything I stand for! How dare you! I can't stand to lose yet another drinking buddy to this disease!

HAHAHAH I love her! I think I'm gonna watch an episode of Will & Grace every night just to end things on a good note.


PS. I just realized how snobby I can be and how Doug puts up with it is way beyond me. He's one tough cookie bc I'm no walk in the park. I hold him accountable for everything and sometimes (most of the time) expect him to give more than I do in this relationship. I'm lucky to have found someone who will deal with my bitchiness but I really don't understand how one guy can let so much slide. lol, like the time he wasn't texting me back and I really needed an answer, or the time I told him if he cheated on me that my sister has frd in low places that would take him out. I'm kind of a scary gf to have, but he handles it all so well. I'm amazed by him!

I love my life

I woke up today to my beautiful flowers in a beautiful vase from a beautiful soul. I took lady outside into a beautiful winter wonderland. I called in and got wonderful news from my test results. Then I had my omelet and tea in my Gandhi mug as I watched Golden Girls and realized that the theme song 'thank you for being a frd' applies to everyone in my life right now. I also went through pre-calc under this relaxed grateful state of mind that I'm in and I knew all of it. I know that if I just stay relaxed and appreciative for my wonderful life that I'll pass the test with flying colors and continue to see the good in my wonderful life. Today is a good day. One of the quotes on my yogi tea said "I am beautiful, I am Bountiful, I am blissful." This applies to me 100% and I intend to keep it this way.

SIDE NOTE, I'm losing weight :) like a lot! consistently! and my new fave song is John Mayer Who says. Love it.

comparing

I thought about my last blog and I don't like comparing Doug to Sam, it's just a way to ensure that I am raising the bar in the relationship department. I want to make sure that what my life than it was before, isn't that what we all strive for? So yeah, to clarify, I don't like to do the whole who is better thing but I once in a while I need to evaluate everything in my life and that includes the people I share it with. Love this boy and everything he is, he totally passed the evaluation :P

Valentine's Day

As I've stated before, I'm usually not that person who goes crazy for little non-holidays like valentines day. I usually just make cookies or something for my friends and that's that. Other than that it's simply been the day before my sister and Sam's birthdays. So this year was amazingly better. He knocked on my door with his soft brown eyes and a bouquet of pink flowers. He hit the nail on the head with the many different kinds of flowers, I prefer variety over the normal dozen of X type of deal and he totally understood that without me saying anything. Then I took the flowers out of the wrapping and saw the BEST part. they were in a vase. A beautiful vase!

Now, you need to hear the story behind this bc i'm not just nutzo over glassware. Sam would consistently buy me one or two carnations for anniversaries or birthdays over the last 4-6 years and I never had anywhere to put them. They would end up in a drinking glass and in later years in an empty bottle of wine we had split earlier. Eventually I went out, bought myself flowers and a small cheap vase to put them in. Problem was solved but I never actually like the vase I had, it was just there and served a purpose.

So for him to get me a nice vase, one that I actually like and wasn't from the dollar store is very nice. Again, he doesn't know this. He was just REALLY lucky to have choose the perfect arrangement that came in the perfect setting. So we went out to eat at Carraba's bc he knew I liked it more than olive garden, but he didn't know that it is my favorite restaurant in the whole wide world thus far in my life. Again, he had simply made a lucky guess. We ended the night with a movie and he held my hand the whole time and let me put my head on his shoulder. He also warmed up my hands when we got to the car and let me touch his warm arm under his jacket with my freezing cold hands (Something Sam would cry about). He is exactly what I wanted, the EXACT opposite of Sam in every way. Sometimes that can be a bad thing, like when he doesn't want to stay late or when he doesn't play with my hair or tell me I'm beautiful, but I really think that this is better. He gets all the little things right like not giving me a flower without having a place for it to sip water and letting me put my hands on him when they're freezing and he's warm. It's nice to have a valentine who really cares about you.

I'm a better person than you give me credit for

Today our concentration groups (mine being thrive) split into two seminars, sex and dating was on and the other was drinking alcohol. I choose to go to the drinking alcohol one since that is more relivant to my life right now. Pretty much everything was in line with what I amd doing. I have been drunk twice since last June which is not good, but I know it's not good and I am making the necessary changes to ensure that I don't go into that state of drunkeness again before I even went to this seminar. Then about the whole 'bible says to obey the laws of land' deal, and since I'm 20 I shouldn't be drinking bc it's the law. Well, I ask the qestion of what if we were obey the laws of the land when christianity was outlawed? It was interesting to watch the faces of these ppl who interpret the bible literally when faced with that question. I also I ask the question, is it possible that this was translated or influenced by the people translating in hopes of creating a more obedient society? The answer is yes even though some ppl will go back and forth with me over that one bc they believe that the ppl, the MEN to be more specific, who wrote the bible had THAT close of a relationship with God that God told them what to write word for word. This could be, and I might believe that originally that's how it happened. But then sin took over after that and currupt ppl had the option to translate it and what not into what some ppl decide to take literally. I think that's PISH.

IVGC/Doug

So Inter Varsity Greek Conference is going well. I met up with my cousin and her sorority sister here and we are going out to breakfast in the am after I workout. Today was not a good day for me though. Since I had crazy stuff going on in the morning today I didn't eat breakfast so my whole day was thrown off from there. I got in the car at 1 to drive out here (still with no food in my hungry little belly) and ate doughnut holes bc that was the only food available in the car. That's basically all I had, plus a few chips and a bunch of sugar (a brownie and juice). I have had nothing of value so I ate a banana, but it was after 7 so I still don't feel good about it. I just feel very unhealthy and unhappy with how my life is right now. Things are nutzo with my sorority life bc this one girl flipped out bc I was snappy in an email, Doug is driving me crazy, and now I'm not even taking care of myself. I'm not sure what's going on, but every time I come to this conference I start to get very negative about life in general. For example, all the couples here met here, and I can't help but think that they are staying together bc the bible disagrees with divorce. I believe that if u are unhappy with ur marriage, then disregard the man written book and go with what God tells you. You can say that it's the devil urging you to divorce your significant other, but our God is a good God and He would not want u to be unhappy. This has to be considered in this situation. God will not put you in a terminal situation where your happiness is significantly decreased. Yes there are times when you need to endure some pain to get to the improvements needed (like breaking up with a long term bf to find a better independent life on ur own and move on to better things) but in the end, you will be happy following God's will and if you're not, then you weren't following my God's will. My God wants me to be happy and live a prosperous life, regardless of what the man written word of God says. PPL need to understand that the BIBLE WAS MAN WRITTEN. Yes, God inspired everything in the book, BUT it has also been passed down, revised, translated, rewritten, etc, et for so long that I have a hard time even carrying a religious conversation with anyone who interprets it literally. You just can't, unless u honestly think our God wants us to live lives that are not consistent with our freedom or autonomy. Isn't that the entire reason God gives us the CHOICE to invite him into our hearts? Isn't that why he gave us free choice? yes, it is. No one has yet to change my mind on this and I'm pretty dead set in my ways here. The bottom line is that my God is good. Is you God? bc I'm really not sure from the things you are telling me about him.

About the whole doug thing, I love this boy to death. He makes me very happy and I would do almost anything for him. He has his own life, he leave me to my own life and all is well. But right now with the things we are dealing with in our relationship, I'm looking at him thinking 'ur lying to me about something' and he's looking at me thinking the same thing and it is driving me nutzo. I have to give him the benefit of the doubt bc he has been so completely and brutally honest about everything else that there's no logical reason for him to be lying now, but we'll just have to wait and see. I will say that I admire his effort in this relationship. I mean, I know relationships take work, but this relationship has taken a lot of work and a lot of commitment and it's nothing I wasn't ready for, but for him to be ready for it too and for him to be putting so much effort into it is taking my breath away. Most guys would have given up when I freaked out bc I felt like he wasn't supporting me, but he worked through it with me and fixed the problem (which was just a miscommunication). He's a good kid and I can't wait to kiss him when I get back on Valentine's day, I just hope this IVGC thing doesn't put me in that bad of a mood. Last year they had me going home contemplating if I could even stand to go through the whole marriage thing since I wasn't willing to accept that divorce wasn't an option or that I was supposed to give up all my rights to my husband and let him be the head of the house and tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing and basically controlling everything! My God would NEVER put me in that situation, bc that would be my hell. My God wants me to be in Heaven, so that's where I'm gonna go, weather that means divorcing a controling hubby or simply finding one that isn't over powering, I will get there or as close as I can while I am here on Earth. To those who interpret the bible literally, I SAY PISH! I hope you enjoy letting ur husband control your every move and asking permission to go buy something in a store when you're 40 years old and making most of the household income. yeah....NO THANK YOU!

Crazy Friday morning

Last night I went to sleep around 12:30 even though my apt was a mess and I knew my mom was going to stay here the next night and my bags for the weekend were not packed (I got side tracked making the best v-day gift for a cute boy). SO I woke tried to wake up early today to get things done, BUT when I woke up at 8 the bathroom was flooded and I really had to pee like always when I wake up! So I laid down towels and called maintenance who came over and did something to the toilet, so apparently now it's gtg, but I don't want to walk on all the toilet water to pee! My bladder hates me right now but I'm working on it! So I ended up calling in to the MHS where I was supposed to be at 10, but the phones weren't going through, so I emailed her about it. I hope she got it but I have yet to get a response. So now I'm going to pack my bags and hopefully pee, then go to the store to get CD's and CD labels to complete the coolest v-day gift ever! He doesn't read this blog (he says) but for the record, it's not JUST a CD, ok? It's the BEST three things a boy could get for v-day. I think mom and David are just going to have to deal with my apt being a complete mess bc I do not have time to clean it up! haha, I have a valentine's to finish! (No I'm actually going to finish it on my trip I just need the materials.

all the right frds in all the right places

I have been so tense for such a long time and today I went to sit with my girls in the UC and do my h/w and it made me feel a lot better to know I wasn't alone like he makes me feel sometimes. I feel like I can breathe again. End of story :)

Snow day from hell

Today started out great. I slept in bc I had no class and the school I was practicuming at was cancelled too. I had some girls meeting me up at deadman's hill down hines to go sledding, all was good. Until I got a text from a person who told me really bad news. I had to get a blood test and my health was being questioned. So crying I called my big sis, and shereen. I decided I'd still go sledding and then went out to eat with them afterwards, then I headed to pick up shereen who took me to get the blood test. For those who don't know me, I'm a HUGE vein-aphobe. That is, I'm terrified of veins. Like nothing can touch my veins and letting a needle be inserted into one and blood being drawn from it is completely out of the question. That's like saying to an arcane phobic person, on hey, we're just gonna let this spider crawl on you for 2 minutes, it might lay eggs but NBD! It's a Big Deal! But I did it b/c my health was in question. Then I went to Bikram Yoga because my muscles had been tense since that text message and I had been shaking all day. Now I'm home and relaxed enough to attempt to do some homework, but no promises yet. I'm so exhausted from this horrible horrible day that I just want to go to sleep and dream happy unrealistic thoughts.I wish this person would just call me or stop by or something to reassure me that they will be there if I need them, which I do right now. Lord help me get through this week until the test results come back. Don't let me stress myself out too much. Oh and did I mention I have a pre-calc test tomorrow?

OH LOVE

So I decided I wasn't going to school today before it was cancelled and went over Doug's mainly to make sure we were ok after that crazy night. We ended up hanging out all day, I think I got there around 12:30/1 ish in the afternoon and I just got back now, around 9. We went out to eat with his family and it was so nice. I got to cuddle with him on the couch and play truth or dare with him (the dares consisted of eating jelly and hot sauce or calling ur sibling and telling them how great they are). We talked about last night and we're past it. We are taking it one day at a time and not looking into the future ever again. He makes me happy right now and that's all I can look at. This relationship is a here and now thing, we are not promising anything for tomorrow.

He also promised me he'd never cheat on me, so that helps a little, but if u know me u know I'm a show me person, not a tell me one. I believe what I see and I take what is said with grains of salt. He thinks we could make it past 3 months though.... that's the LAST thing we are saying about the future! Time for a hot bath and Bones, then bed time for me :)

DHW

I can't believe what u said to me last night we were alone. u threw your arms up, baby u gave up, u gave up! I can't believe how u looked at me with ur James Dean Glossy eyes, with ur tight jeans, with ur long hair, and ur cigarette staind lies!

Could we fix u if u broke? And is ur punch line just a JOKE?

I'll never talk again, oh boy u've left me speechless, u've left me speechless, so speechless!

AND I'll never love again, oh boy u've left me speechless, u've left me speechless, so speechless....

Blunt honesty

I have to admit that I admire his honesty. It's true, it could happen. It could have happened with Sam too but he was in denial about it. He would never have admitted that it could happen bc he was so dead set against it. I got exactly what I wanted, the opposite of Sam. I have to take the good with the bad, lucky for me there's a lot of good and only one big bad thing (so far, LORD help me!). So I have decided that since Doug didn't do anything, he merely said some mean things, but true things, that it was just a reality check. Yes, it hurts, reality isn't fun but it's real. It's messy and rough and painful and beautiful all at the same time. If he cheats on me, than that will be an experience for me that I think everyone should go through. I had wished that my parents would be a close enough experience for me, but hey, might as well experience it for myself, right?

He could have not had this conversation with me. The tour, if it happens, is next summer '11, he didn't even have to tell me about it until much much much later. he might never have had to tell me about it b/c we might have broken up by then anyway. He could have told me what I'm sure he knew I wanted to hear, but he didn't. He was honest and for that I have to give him snaps.

He called me and he was really upset about this. He said it was the dumbest thing he's ever said and that he wishes he could take it back. He would do anything I asked him to right now if I said it would make me feel better. Unfortunately there's nothing to be done. I have taken that tiny step back over that gap between enjoying sharing my time with him and being head over heals. I'm not going to fall again b/c I was wrong, it's most likely not worth trying.

I was just thinking today that it's better to die trying than to never know. I just can't let him have control again. The relationship is MINE, not his. He plays a very insignfigant role in this now. My first instinct is to pull away from him and just spend less and less time with him until it doesn't matter if he's with me or not any more. I want to go back to being as cold and as torn as I was in July. I want to close myself off and shut him out, but I won't. I won't do any of these instinctive things that would protect me from being hurt again. I wills tay open and warm and loving bc that's the person I was meant to be. I will meet the pain he throws at me head on and I will let it show over me when the time comes. I will take the emotional beating that is inevitable at the end of this relationship. I will go through this experience as open as an ocean and then I will stand up and be stronger for it. I will walk away from this relationship with my heart twice as strong as Sam left it. I will not be afraid of what he *could* do to me. I will embrace the situation that God wants me to go through. I hope I dream of it. I hope that my dreams prepare me for whatever might happen. I love this kid, but he is only a kid. That is a bad mix, but I've never been cautious with my heart before. I am a free spirit that is meant to throw herself into the wind and enjoy the ride and endure the fall. That is who I am and that is who I will be no matter the height of my jump or the prospective length of my fall. They say don't fall in love unless u know the guy will catch u, well, he caught me, but we'll see how long he carries me bc I am hard to hold on to. Boys hit on me everyday. I have a crazy life, with a crazy schedule and at any given time I could call any given boy and they'd drop anything to be with me. Doug's going to have to step it up after this. I'm not one for wine and dining to make up for something, but I need reassurance that he isn't full of pish. I need him to sweep me off my feet again like he did so many times before. The slap of reality was too much for me to handle, I like it better when this was a fairy tale and it all seemed unreal. He's gotta take me back to the unreal relationship or I will continue to struggle as he carries me until he eventually drops me back to being single.

Ok I'm done. I'll hang in there for now. Doug's amazing I just wish he were here so he could hug me and tell me that he didn't mean it in person. I don't think the magnitude with what was discussed sank in until we were both driving home alone thinking about it. Oh well, you live and you learn. I'm enjoying the learning experience.

Sam was better.

I was wrong. The whole almost half his longest relationship crap doesn't matter to him. I thought he was perfect for me and he might be right now as long as there isn't any temptation for him. I was basically told tonight that he can't promise to be faithful to me if he goes on tour next year. Not that I think we are going to make it that long especially after that conversation, but its the underlying stuff that sucks. If conditions are right which is apparently him and bunch of friends partying, he might cheat on me. Like a slap in the face he said this to me.

My response? HUM then u better watch ur back bc u might be dead the next day and ur blood won't be on my hands. I've never been cheated on before, but I've only been in love one other time and I was way more careful that time bc Sam would NEVER have done that. Not even after he changed, no ever. He will NEVER cheat on anyone. Katlyn has a good man bc no matter how horrible he is to her, no matter how controlling or emotionally damaging he can be, she will never feel the way I feel right now and Doug didn't even do it yet. He probably will never do it, but its out there. NOw we are talking on the phone and I'm crying my eyes out. Blog to follow up on this....

future endeavors

I have been living my life as if Doug could disappear at any moment. Last night he asked me if I'd be ok with him going on tour....like next summer of 2011. That was a surprise to me bc although I am completely in love with this kid, I feel like it is all just a dream that I could wake up from at any time. I wanted to order him something with letters on it for valentine's day, but I wasn't positive we'd make it till then so I didn't order anything. I don't think this is insecurity, I think this is me understanding that life is a changing organism and that life can be drastically altered in a matter of minutes.

As for the tour thing, I am completely on board with it. He'd be gone for months but I'd be able to call him and it is the best thing for him to do. I will always support him in his music career regardless of what I would have to sacrifice. I would most definitely miss him horribly, but the gain in this situation outweighs the cost by far! I trust him completely and he trusts me so I know that while he's gone I can continue to go out and enjoy life without him looking at pictures online and assuming things while he's gone.

This question just made me realize that we are getting serious..... His longest relationship was 3 months and right now we stand at almost 1 1/2 which is half of his most serious relationship. That's big for him I think. I know it's going to be big when I decide to share my life with someone for 2 years again. I really like him still and I'm almost positive that we are out of the infatuation stage now. We are getting serious, as weird as that is for me. This should be interesting at the very least.

party weekends

This weekend was DEF a party weekend for me. Friday night stuffy and I at my apt, then at the Psp party all night. Saturday night I went to the TKE's with Dilly, Eric, and Magan then out to the token to see Dilly's brother's band the robots play until 2. Tonight (Sunday) I'm going to a super bowl party with my boy. I only drank that first night, Friday, but I am going to end up parting every night this weekend. No wonder my apt is not getting clean and my homework hasn't been finished yet :X It's the price you pay to enjoy your college years! I'll end up doing my h/w monday on my break from my practicum and class. And I've decided that I'm not going to drink again until it's legal, aka my birthday in June. So that'll be good for everyone involved haha.

It seems like karma's making it's round

Good thing #1: Stuffy and I had some quality time together and some great conversations about life.

GT#2: got drunk for the first time without Sam there to take care of me and realized that doug can take care of me, but he did it better. Like, Sam would be like "No more, go outside and I'll come out there." He was controlling like that and stuff. Doug's like, "hey babe, want some fresh air?" and then he walks out there with me. I was like what is this? A b/f who cares about my well being and not just his reputation? Me likey. He even walked me in and put me to bed (Kind of). Sam would just walk me to the door and as soon as I got in he was gone. I think I actually thought doug had left last night when I got in but then he helped me off the floor and put me in bed. I can't believe he stepped up! I was completely ready to just take care of myself all night. He even made sure I didn't forget my cell phone, which I totally would have. how perfect can one boy get?

GT#3: Sam is not good at cooking. I thought he was the best cook, like I used to tell ppl that he cooked better than I ever imagined and it was true at the time. But Doug cooked for me last night and it blew Sam out of the water. It was amazing and I'm so happy I have him in my life to cook for me whenever I want! :P

GT#4: I made my first adoption at petsmart today! It was Loomis, a 9 month old tabby cat with beautiful markings and he went to a house with a 9 year old and a teenager who had no other pets. It was a good match, I approved it and I filled out the paper work and cashed them out and made them all really happy!

GT#5: Amanda Dillion is taking me out tonight, first to the TKE's bid party and then to a club to see her brother's band play. I'm super excited for this b/c I love dilly and we hardly ever get to hang out!

GT#6: Tomorrow I not only get to enjoy a wonderful dinner with my family to celebrate the many Febuary Birthdays, BUT I also get to go to my first ever super bowl party. Guess whose? Doug's best friend's Jessica. I'm so excited I get to go b/c every time they have hung out I've been busy or something, so I get to see what they do when they are at her house. I hope it's just what I think, just hanging out and FRIEND stuff, but he interlaced fingers with her last night briefly. That's like finger sex to me and I think of it as a very intimate thing b/c I'm NUTZO, but he handled my concern well even in my drunken state he made me feel better by showing me the distinct difference btwn how he interlaces fingers with me and how he does with her and his other best friends who happen to be girls. The way he does it with me is WAY more intimate, so I'm good with it.

GT#7: THE PSP BOYS ARE TALKING TO ME AGAIN! YAY! I HAVE MY FRIENDS BACK!!!!! haha, this is a huge relief for me! Hiher drove me and stuffy to the party and he actually choose to sit next to me and we talked as if nothing had happened. I played kings cup with nick norton and steve, I did a shot with mikebrennan (I think), I hugged everyone, the only person I didn't talk to was sbrogs and that's bc I choose to ignore him for reasons that can be discussed in a less positive blog. So yeah, all boys were good and it was a really good party for them. I feel bad for the delt sigs bc I don't think many girls came to theirs.

SO yeah, I'm pretty much on cloud nine here. There are other not as big good things that have happened in my life lately, but just the normal I'm doing phenomenal in school and I have the best dog on Earth mambo jumbo. I think it's about time karma paid me back for all the good I've brought to everyone else's life. I'm definitely going to enjoy this, and Doug's amazing cooking, while it lasts :)

I've got my feet in the water....

Toes in the sand, not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand, Life is good today!

They say you fall in love mostly by scent, and I agree. I didn't note how Doug smelled until last night at gameworks when we were discussing this topic with Stuffy and Gary. I would be waiting my turn at pool by him and just smelling him (Yeah, a little awkward but I'm ok with that!) I realized that he smells like what I think about him. He smells rough and ragged but there's a strong sweetness to the mix. His scent is soft and very distinct if you pay attention and I miss it when it's not around me. I wish my nose had the exactness and strength of a dogs so I could better describe it. Maybe that's why Lady like him so much more than other guys and probably why she absolutely HATES certain guys. I smelled another guy's face and it literally hurt my nose. The sharpness of the scent made me cringe and it stayed with me for minutes after the encounter. It was very unpleasant. If I were a dog, I would have barked at him and barred my teeth towards him.

So today I worked at the Michigan Humane Society, paid my rent, and went grocery shopping at whole foods. Now I'm going to the gym and coming home to shower and do the dishes before getting ready for a fun night at both bid parties with my big sis. Yes, BOTH bid parties. That includes the Phi Sigs and I'm still a little weary of going to that house. I've decided that I'm just going to be my friendly self and act as if nothing has happened b/c nothing has happened btwn me and the brothers. In fact, Sam and I have repaired our friendship as much as possible now, so why do the other guys feel that they need to keep their distance from me? They might hate me tonight, but I'm going to hug all of them and dance with all of them and talk to all of them as if it were last year or the year before. I'm really sick of this immature behavior they are throwing at me and I'm done letting them decide what our relationship will be. I'm making the decision now and my decision is that we will all be friends :) Maybe I'll sniff them too and see if I like their scents! HAHA

Random thoughts on life in a sorority

Last year I went through a lot and so did a lot of ppl I'm very close to. This blog isn't about that stuff though, it's about the ppl who have traveled this rocky road with me, mostly my sorority sisters. I joined Delta Phi Epsilon mainly b/c I wanted to get involved on campus and b/c I had seen both my blood sisters enjoy theirs so much. Back then I never would have guessed that I would become such a better person for joining or that I would ever think about depending on theses ppl to get me through life when all else fails (in my freshmen naive head, all else was Sam and he wasn't going to 'fail' me). But all else did fail and at first I didn't know why I even felt like going on in life but now I understand. I had this group of women (excluding a few) standing behind me and encouraging me to carry on. Some of the girls went through things with me like ending a long term relationship around the same time. I didn't realize it then b/c I thought that my situation was too different and unique to even be compared to another's, but on the surface it was exactly the same. I learned from their mistakes and I'm sure they learned from mine. I was able to talk out problems I was having with someone who wasn't judging me constantly or ready to jump down my throat if I said something offensive. I had many supportive ppl who let me call them at 4 in the morning and just cry hysterically b/c there were no words to describe the abandonment I was feeling. In retrospect, I wasn't abandoned at all. I was really the opposite, whatever that is (maybe found???)

Yeah, I think it is found. I was found. Found by myself first and foremost, but also found by the world and all who inhibit it. It's so funny how after you analyze your behavior and relationships with another person, or other people, how much of an improvement you can see in every part of your life.

The truth is, everyone strives to be the best they can be.

Some fail, but I think most succeed. I feel like I have reached my potential at this time but I need to always check in with how other's perceive me in their 'quality world' to ensure that I keep improving as my limit grows to greater heights. It is my opinion that as we get older our potential of greatness grows much like how our brains grow as we learn. It's like we pass these check points in our self growth and then graduate to a higher level of self-actualization. Just like learning, I don't think you can ever reach a 'glass ceiling' or anything like that. I think this process is what life is about. This is what we do as parties of the human race, we grow into beings that satisfy those who are important to us and improve out lives. When those ppl are quality ppl (aka not ppl who flurish in your failures or your inactivity in the greater scheme of life) you will be happy knowing that you are fulfilling your ultimate job called living.

When ppl ask what I do for a living, I'm going to start replying, "I strive for self-actualization." We can all say this, and by realizing our general goal of this we can assimilate ourselves with humans and therefore be able to make decisions based not on what would benefit us at that moment, but what would benefit the overall human race at that moment. This deep, so I'm cutting out and going back to doing math 386 homework. Think about this though.

Guys are idiots

I had a great day today and I'm in my meeting and we're discussing polar plunge where participants raise $50 over a certain amount of time and then plunge into the detroit river in freezing weather. I have said no way jose to this opportunity for the past 2 years, but this year I decided I need to do it b/c it will be very liberating to plunge with someone I trust, that list includes Doug, Stuffy, Kuzava, Amanda Dillion, so on, and so on. So I asked Doug expecting him to say no, which he did, but he was total jerk about it. The convo was via texts so I brushed his bluntness off as jokingly and said I was giving him a cold wet hug afterwards anyway with this face: :P

He responded, and I quote, "who said I had to be there anyway?" can u say jerk? So I tried to brush it off but it just stuck with me. my good mood was tainted and he was the cause. So he asked if we were still hanging out tomorrow night and I said I'm not sure b/c he was being mean. I expected him to apologize and say he didn't mean it like that, but no, he kept digging and replied some snotty reply about not feeling guilty for not plunging with me. SO I explained my stance to him about not caring about that, but caring that my bf was being a complete and utter bitch (yes, I called him a bitch). To this long explanation he finally said "I'm sorry." But by that time I was mad. He was being Sam Circa F'08 and bringing me down when his sole purpose in my life is to bring me up. So I told him I wasn't sure if it was ok, and then I asked him to tell me something else was bothering him, looking for any explanation of this jerk coming out in him, to no avail. He didn't respond to my pleas, so I ended the convo with "you should call me." and that's where that is.

AND there's a whole other thing with guys going on but it's not my issue to blog about so I don't feel right doing so. It's just scary dating guys who can basically tell you anything and b/c you have nothing else to go off of you believe them and could find out that they are completely full of PISH! At this moment I'm about to swear into never dating again 60% of my reasoning coming from this problem, 20% from Doug and the other 20% from past experiences.

I'm sorry, but Doug is in my life to bring me happiness and joy and if he doesn't do that anymore, then he will not be in it. I hate to say that b/c he has made me so happy for the last month, but I refuse to compromise on this. I can handle a fight every once in awhile, but he needs to call me back and have a good reason for starting this argument asap or this fight just turned into something I don't want in my life. So I'm waiting on that to play out and finishing my homework. my fun day just turned into a horrible night. oh, sorry, I mean morning, it's 12:30...

Mondays...

This is my monday schedule for the rest of the semester;

wake up at 6:30 - Pack lunch, make breakfast, take lady out
Leave apt at 7:25 -go to work
Leave work at 11:30 - Drive home while eating lunch
12:00 - Let Lady out, do what I can with H/W
12:50 - Leave for practicum
3:00/3:45 - Leave practicum, go home.
4-5- cook dinner/eat dinner, do what I can with H/W
5:30 - Leave for class
6-8 - Teaching the exceptional child class in FCS
8- leave class, go over to CASL
9- Sorority meeting
10/11 - Leave school and go home :)

Anyone want to tell me a more complicated/busy schedule? B/c I'm convinced there isn't one. So far so good, I haven't made any mistakes such as forgetting what I need to bring when and such. I am tired though and Lady bug is very warm and cuddly. I have to leave early for class today b/c I need to get the book still.

Oprah

Since I know you are all much too busy reading my blog to read Oprah's latest magazine, I decided to sum up a very important article she published. It's title 11 ways to feel beautiful!

1) Stand Tall- your brain is always checking into your body to make see how you are feeling. Different postures send different signals to the brain about your mood, so stand tall and your brain will receive the message that all is well :)
2) Be an observer, not a judge - When you look in the mirror just make scientific observations about what you see. If you have a scar, you can decide to see it as a flaw or a memory of an injury. Either way it should simply register as a scar, not ugly or gross.
3) Find something to Admire in yourself - Pretty self explanatory.
4) put on a happy face - Humans naturally are drown to smiling faces and away from frowns.
5) Breathe Deeply - Shallow breathing manifests itself as tension in you face.
6) Just Say Thanks - When given a compliment, simply repling, thanks you instead of coming back with a defense of your own opinions will build confidence.
7) Wear Color- Just a pop of color can lighten any one's mood :)
8) Loosen up - When your muscles are tight it sends signals of discomfort to your brain and brings your moral down.
9) Give Yourself a Reality Check - Don't let the media control what your idea of a perfect body is, let reality decide that.
10) Choose your friends wisely - Recent research shows that our social networks have a profound effect on our attitudes and behaviors - including how we perceive our appearance.
11) View yourself in a flattering light - they meant literally, as in change your light bulbs from normal light that washes out color on your face and body to a more flattering light that is more of a clean white. Also consider the angles of your lighting, especially around mirrors.

going to bed

I was frustrated earlier, but I'm much better now. THe schedule thing in normal in a healthy relationship and the fact that he is making an effort to see means that he is still into me (or so says the movie he's just not that into you). So I'm good with it. I'll probably see him tuesday with my friends and he said he'd come out with stuffy and gary thursday after his class and he'll probably come over saturday after work again, it's kind of becoming our official 'date night' which I think is very important to have when both parties in question are as busy as we are. It was bothering me earlier, but now I see that the fact that everyone of our friends wants to double date with us is such a good thing. It means that they really care about me and want to get to know the person I'm letting into my life. Speaking of which, my dad wants to meet Doug over Kristen's birthday dinner (if she has one, which she always does). So he's sweating bullets already, lol! When I told him when her birthday was he responded "oh good, just enough time to get nervous." HAHA It's a good thing that he's nervous, it tells me that he wants to make a good impression. And as for the whole valentine's day thing, I don't care what he does for me that day, it's not a big deal. I am interested in seeing what he does though b/c it could tell me a lot about him. So I'm keeping my mouth shut and letting everything happen the way it was supposed to happen and enjoying the ride along the way. You know, I'm a firm believer in the saying it's the journey, not the destination.

Frustrated with society

I am a healthy women. I can run 2 miles now (only stopping three times to avoid an asthma attack), I can lift weights, I eat healthy, I do yoga and bikram yoga. If you were to read about my health in an article, you'd think I was extremely fit, and I feel like I am. Then I turn on the TV or I start looking at clothes online and realize that in this society I'm fat. It doesn't matter how physically fit I am, all ppl see is the excess fat on me that is not going any where. I was sick last week so I was unable to run as hard as I normally would. In the past week I went to 2 bikram yoga classes and the gym only 3 times (which is still a lot better than most ppl do when they're not sick). Yesterday I ran 2 miles almost non-stop at 5.0 (more of a jog for those who don't know tread mill speeds) and biked 6.5 miles in 15 minutes. Then I stretched out and did some ab workouts. Today I am not sore at all and that makes me so mad. Not to mention that I don't even want to look like some of these women I see on TV or in magazines. I never want to be a size zero nor do I think I could physically be that small. You, know, it's strange how ppl try to make their physical beings as small as possible but their impact on other's lives as big as possible. Anyway, I'm just frustrated again b/c no matter how much I lose, I'll never be like THAT, and our society teaches us that without looking like THAT, you should never feel secure in a relationship. IDK I'm just frustrated with this whole thing and me getting sick was the worst possible thing at that time.

Also, I'm getting frustrated with this whole dating thing. There aren't any 'dates' b/c we are both so busy. I'm free Wed night, Fri night, Sat and Sun and he's basically free during the days and tues/thurs after 9 which is too late for a dinner date. All my frds have b/f and it was so hard for me to see them b/c they were always going out with their b/f. Now that I have a b/f they all want to do double dates and that is not working out so well b/c of this schedule thing. My schedule is pretty much set in stone now, nothing can be altered. I suppose it's the same with him too, but I feel like it's more his responsibility to make time for me since my schedule is actual appointments and work whereas his is group projects and driving around his brothers. I just realized that I'm never dated anyone who has brothers. Tim had one sister, but they weren't close, Tommy and I were never serious, Sam is an only child, but Doug has this whole family thing going on, which I love but I also think he needs to just be a kid sometimes and take his g/f out on a date again. He came over last night and it was so hard to say goodbye to him b/c I knew that it could be another week until I see him again. I mean we have tentative plans tuesday night after 9 with my friends but he could cancel, or they could cancel, or something could happen and we wouldn't see each other until next saturday night after he gets off work at 8:30. I believe one of the requirements was makes time for me, and if it wasn't, then it should have been on there b/c this sucks. I know, I know, I'm using a double standard b/c I'm not making any effort to change my schedule for him but I've been there done that and it sucked even worse. I think He understands that I'm not prepared to do that again ever and it's not like I'm asking him to change his work schedule or something that is set in stone. I feel like most of his plans are tentative and therefore subject to change anyway. I'm not sure what he had today, but he said he was busy and all I have to say to that is Valentines day fall on a sunday so if he's unable to take me out that day, I'll be really upset. Valentines day isn't even that big to me, but it's our first opportunity to celebrate us being in a relationship and I want to celebrate!!! I want wine and I want candles and if he can't do that for me he better do something better. That's all I'm saying.

a real blog

I have a real topic to blog about now. ppl who break up with their long term relationship just to get into another long term relationship with someone else. When you go through something as tramatic as a loved one unloving you, you need time to heal and reflect on your relationship. Why didn't it work? Was it meant to? Are you going to have to try it one more time to answer these question? Do you have regrets? Do they have regrets? How has it made you more knowledgeable about what you do/don't want next time around? How has the relationship shaped who you are now?

You need to think about these things if you were really truly in love with the person. Sometimes it takes a few times of getting back together and trying something different or just simply giving the person at fault a second try. I personally feel that a long term relationship can not be broken by one faulted party, but rather both of the parties growing in different ways. Sometimes you have to get back with the person to know if it's really over between you two and make sure that it wasn't over something insignificant, and that's ok. It took me a year to accept that it was over and that we weren't just breaking up over something insignificant. We were breaking up and fighting b/c the love he once submersed me in was gone. After I understood that, I knew I would be better off without him and thus I moved on. I began reflecting on the relationship and I have answered all these questions.

We all know Sam found a new g.f 3 days after the last time we broke up, and I'm ok with that. In a way I'm kind of happy b/c it shows me that I didn't completely harden this boy who walks around grinding his teeth like he's going to punch someone out at any given time. It tells me that he is still capable of love and therefore not completely hopeless as I expected. However I am afraid that he didn't evaluate and therefore did not learn anything from our mistakes. The girl he picked is worse than me for him (I don't try to know what's good for him, but this girl isn't good for anyone) and his life still revolves around the fraternity instead of himself. I see no joy in his life, not even when he's with her in public but I pray that he has it when they're alone. He's still washing dishes b/c I saw his water dried hands at the grafitti party and he is now gaining back the 300 lbs he lost in a year, probably b/c of his alcohol intake being so high and so frequent.

He's not the only person to do this. I just saw that one of my 'sisters' who has just broken up with her b/f of 3 years (I think) is in a relationship with another boy, ironically by the same name. I have to wonder if the name thing was on purpose b/c I'm telling you there is no way she's not going to end up calling him her old b/fs name at one point anyway. Sam called Kaitlyn Stephanie a few times, imagine me talking him through that one with her! HA! Anyway, I just think that the whole jump into a relationship thing is SO over rated. I regret giving my fling with TIm that title b/c I wasn't ready and I told him that everyday. You are supposed to go out and enjoy the single life, breathe and live on your own two feet and not depend on another human being to be you other half for once in a very very long time. Then once you figure out who you are now, after a long learning experience and without another person tied to you, and you have evaluated the relationship as mentioned above, you can move on and into a relationship, if that's what you decided you want. I just can't express how dumb this girl is being right now. At least she waited a week, it's better than 3 days I guess. I'm just glad I did it as right as I could and now I have no second thoughts about dating Doug b/c I know what needs I need him to satisfy and he satisfies them all. I even interviewed him (kind of) before accepting his offer ;P

sry for the typos I'm exhausted! goodnight now fo reals!