Blunt honesty

I have to admit that I admire his honesty. It's true, it could happen. It could have happened with Sam too but he was in denial about it. He would never have admitted that it could happen bc he was so dead set against it. I got exactly what I wanted, the opposite of Sam. I have to take the good with the bad, lucky for me there's a lot of good and only one big bad thing (so far, LORD help me!). So I have decided that since Doug didn't do anything, he merely said some mean things, but true things, that it was just a reality check. Yes, it hurts, reality isn't fun but it's real. It's messy and rough and painful and beautiful all at the same time. If he cheats on me, than that will be an experience for me that I think everyone should go through. I had wished that my parents would be a close enough experience for me, but hey, might as well experience it for myself, right?

He could have not had this conversation with me. The tour, if it happens, is next summer '11, he didn't even have to tell me about it until much much much later. he might never have had to tell me about it b/c we might have broken up by then anyway. He could have told me what I'm sure he knew I wanted to hear, but he didn't. He was honest and for that I have to give him snaps.

He called me and he was really upset about this. He said it was the dumbest thing he's ever said and that he wishes he could take it back. He would do anything I asked him to right now if I said it would make me feel better. Unfortunately there's nothing to be done. I have taken that tiny step back over that gap between enjoying sharing my time with him and being head over heals. I'm not going to fall again b/c I was wrong, it's most likely not worth trying.

I was just thinking today that it's better to die trying than to never know. I just can't let him have control again. The relationship is MINE, not his. He plays a very insignfigant role in this now. My first instinct is to pull away from him and just spend less and less time with him until it doesn't matter if he's with me or not any more. I want to go back to being as cold and as torn as I was in July. I want to close myself off and shut him out, but I won't. I won't do any of these instinctive things that would protect me from being hurt again. I wills tay open and warm and loving bc that's the person I was meant to be. I will meet the pain he throws at me head on and I will let it show over me when the time comes. I will take the emotional beating that is inevitable at the end of this relationship. I will go through this experience as open as an ocean and then I will stand up and be stronger for it. I will walk away from this relationship with my heart twice as strong as Sam left it. I will not be afraid of what he *could* do to me. I will embrace the situation that God wants me to go through. I hope I dream of it. I hope that my dreams prepare me for whatever might happen. I love this kid, but he is only a kid. That is a bad mix, but I've never been cautious with my heart before. I am a free spirit that is meant to throw herself into the wind and enjoy the ride and endure the fall. That is who I am and that is who I will be no matter the height of my jump or the prospective length of my fall. They say don't fall in love unless u know the guy will catch u, well, he caught me, but we'll see how long he carries me bc I am hard to hold on to. Boys hit on me everyday. I have a crazy life, with a crazy schedule and at any given time I could call any given boy and they'd drop anything to be with me. Doug's going to have to step it up after this. I'm not one for wine and dining to make up for something, but I need reassurance that he isn't full of pish. I need him to sweep me off my feet again like he did so many times before. The slap of reality was too much for me to handle, I like it better when this was a fairy tale and it all seemed unreal. He's gotta take me back to the unreal relationship or I will continue to struggle as he carries me until he eventually drops me back to being single.

Ok I'm done. I'll hang in there for now. Doug's amazing I just wish he were here so he could hug me and tell me that he didn't mean it in person. I don't think the magnitude with what was discussed sank in until we were both driving home alone thinking about it. Oh well, you live and you learn. I'm enjoying the learning experience.