DEPRESSION

Strangest thing happened, I started to get depressed. Somewhere between gathering Darma's things to donate to the MHS, tanning, and a nice run at the gym I started to feel like I didn't know myself. This city, Canton. I don't know this city. This girl who likes pink and purple in her bedroom, who is she and where have I gone? My bf, I don't know what his motives are. I started off today as a confident mature women who volunteers her time and attend college and ended today as a little girl who doesn't understand what she is doing here in this strange world. I've been such a jerk lately to everyone around me, I get so defensive and hard like I have to constantly protect myself from everyone around me. I say I love you, but what I mean is I love what you do for me. I want to say I love you and mean that I am in love with you but that requires a trust that I"m not sure I have in humanity anymore. Perhaps I've been scarred once too many in my 20 years of living. Perhaps this defensive girl who can't make up her mind is who I'm meant to be. This fake world of lies and cold hearts, is this where I'm supposed to be? ask me that question yesterday and I'd say yea, fo sho, but tonight..... I'm going to go with no. I was made by the hands of God to be warm and loving. It's hard to stay like that when everyone you know has a secret agenda. I'm not putting this on Doug, but I don't know what he wants. This whole no talking about the future crap I am supporting makes me feel like there is no future. GAWD! even as I write that line, that there is no future, I believe it! I have no future with Doug. I have no future in this world. I have no future. There is no future. there is no true love, there is no honesty, there is no good relationships, there is no warmth that lasts longer than a night.

Maybe it's that the flowers he gave me have began to wilt, maybe it's that I gave up chocolate for lent and am going into with draws, but this whole depression thing sucks. I wish I could just say I'm PMSing and be done with it, but I'm not. I'm just depressed tonight I can't see my mood changing any time soon.