generous heart? not here...

Angela, from BONES of course, puts it best when she expresses that she's afraid that she doesn't have a generous heart anymore. I feel like I'm at that stage in my life where I second guess everyone who opens up to me and I hardly ever open up to anyone else. I have been through a lot, and I have been burned by ppl who were really close to me. Girls in my sorority have stabbed me in the back and that was the one place I was told I go for support in any decision I was making. I think that really messed me up bc I could def handle Sam, I could handle being alone all the time, but I can't wrap my mind around my sorority sister deliberately hurting me and having nothing to say to my face afterwards. Tonight's meeting was a sob fest of older girls showing us how much they have grown to depend on the sorority and I was like that too. I depended on my sisters to be there for me when all hell broke loose and at the FIRST sign of trouble I get burned. The instance I'm talking about is just with one girl in particular, although there have been others over time, but this girl was one I looked up to coming into greek life. We had a discussion about life once for a stupid ice breaker but I remember everything she told me. I told her that she was my role model and that I looked up to her. She knew how I felt about her and although we weren't very close, she should not have done what she did.

Long story short I have drawn back from the sorority and I miss it. I miss being excited about everything and being able to look at someone who knows what I'm thinking bc of a previous conversation and laugh. I have closed myself off to them and probably a lot of other ppl too. I mean seriously, if I see a girl crying, I run the other way bc I don't want to get my heart involved in anything. I don't have that generous heart that once loved Sam and all of my sisters anymore and I'm not sure I can bare to have it back. Idk if I'm strong enough to put myself out there and open up to some of these wonderful women. I'm just not sure. I'm in this weird phase of not knowing who I should let into my life and who I close out. I fixed my love life but I forgot that my social life is a little fake now.... speaking of fake.... I feel like my relationship with doug is fake too but that's a different blog for a different day and keep in mind that I'm sick right now and this could just be the cold talking.