the end of 2009

Tonight is NYE and I had a wonderful night planned with doug, but he's sick, so he's not going out tonight. So I'm getting dressed up in the outfit I was planning on wearing and going over my sister's to watch the ball drop since no one is going to the house party in AA. I just think it is so fitting for 2009 that I don't have someone to kiss at midnight like I would have if doug wasn't sick. I think I kind of need to be alone to bring in the new year as an independent women who doesn't need anyone to be happy.

2009 has been a good year for me. I have rid my life of everything that was sucking the life out of me (sam, backstabbing frds, etc.) and I am healthier than I have ever been, inside and out. I haven't fought with anyone in 6 months, I have become very optimistic, I have bigger and better plans for my future, and I have learned to find the beauty in everything around me. I have been running faster and longer everyday, which is slowly helping my asthma disappear, and I have improved my wardrobe immensely. This year was hard though, and these accomplishments came at a huge price. From January mourning the loss of Eyiee and the separation of a very tight-knit and loving family through June with my gull bladder ordeal of going three weeks without food or water until they realized what was wrong with me, through July and August and the loss of someone I was ready to spend the rest of my life with and finally ending with the passing of a beloved grandfather. 2009 has been a bit of a b**** but from these obstacles I have gained experience and knowledge that many my age are far from understanding. There were many times this past year I wish things were different. Looking back on this year now, I wouldn't change a thing. God has a plan for me and I fully intend on enjoying the ride he has laid out for me. So I say, let 2010 be just as much of a thrill as 2009 was. I'm ready to bring the new year in alone, for the first time in 6 years. (yes mom and family, sam kissed me at midnight way back when I was 14. No matter how many blogs I write you cannot possibly imagine how deep our relationship was or how long it really lasted, but I do appreciate you trying. I couldn't have made it through 2009 without you guys.)

party dresses and babysitting

Today was kind of random. I got a new dress from bebe to wear out with doug nye. I hope it's not too dressy but hey, who cares? He won't : )

Then I went to Ava's house to babysit her which I have been warned against by w good friend who used to sit for her. She's known to be a little devil and very difficult to get to warm up to you. So I was nervous. I get to their house early because this is the first time I'm there and I don't know where anything is. Ava had fallen asleep in the car ride home so the first hour was me watching TV and waiting for her to wake up. When she did wake up, she was an angel! She showed me all her gifts from santa and we played with them all briefly. Then we played play dough for like 2 hours! then blocks and then her dad decided to take Ava on an errand, so I was done early. I made $24 for playing with a sweet little girl, eating pasta, and watching TV. This is the life!

the first real date in about 6 years

He picked me up at 6 after I literally tried on everything in my closet and threw it over my bed when I didn't like it enough and took me to downtown plymouth. The lights were a pretty in the little bit of snow that we have and it was freezing, but my new scarf kept me warm. We ate at panera b/c he wanted to make sure there was a vegetarian option that I would like. I ordered a half salad first and went for my wallet to pay (I hear the first rule of dating is always try to pay first, if he offers then you can let him). The he told the guy we were together and ordered his meal and paid for both with a $50 bill (not that that's imp, but I was shocked). We had the best conversations over dinner, not that crap I would talk to tim or any other guy about. We talked about cannibalism and suicide and his new album. I know it's not ideal, but I really like talking about things of substance that require a little bit of intelligence. After dinner we went to a desert place. He ordered mint chocolate chip ice cream, so naturally I asked if that was his fave. Guess what. It's not. What's his fave you ask? VANILLA. second fave? COOKIE DOUGH! third fave? mint chocolate chip. That is exactly my line up of fave ice cream. how ironic is that? of course he didn't believe me when I said "Oh me too." b/c who would? I know I wouldn't if tables were turned.

Anyway, I got a cappuccino and we went walking in the cold. Then we kind of got lost, or rather the car was lost. We knew our location, but the car's was unknown. So we searched for it and finally found it. Then he offered to take me to his house, which we headed towards. We tried to look at the Hine's drive lights but it was closed (I think these lights might be made up but these up river ppl to screw with the down river ppl's heads). At his house he showed me around, I met his mom first who was so nice. Then his brothers and his dad came home and I met them. His youngest brother was staying with their grandma so I haven't seen him yet. He showed me his room which has a bookshelf with pretty good books that he's read, like the secret. He also had guitars, and he played for me. OMG, i freaking melted. My attraction to this kid with a guitar in his hand is dangerous. He's really good. He let me hear a few of his songs that he wrote and they were so good. I can't wait till his CD comes out b/c I can seriously see me listening to it, and not just b/c he's adorable but b/c i actually like the music.

Back downstairs his mom made us starbuck's holiday coffee with holiday cream in it and it was so good! We watch a movie called six days and seven nights then came back to my apt to play wii sports. Then he went to leave and i hugged him. then he didn't let go. the he kissed me. then we made out. And of course my sister is texting me right at this minute! so we stop, he says goodbye again and leaves. He just texted me to say he was home ok. I like that he is so considerate of me. Like the panera thing, and the texting thing. He knows I'll worry if I don't know that he's home safe and he doesn't mind letting me know when he gets home. Sam thought it was controlling but I don't mean it like that. I just don't want to wake up in the morning to hear that my cute date was t-boned by a semi on his way home from my apt last night. He gets that. He kind of understands me which is why I'm so head over heals for him. This whole thing is very dangerous, I'm seeing him on nye. We're going to a club in aa with his frds. I need help choosing an outfit. It took me an hour to decide on jeans and letters for tonight, gawd it could take me days to pick out an out for nye with him! I don't have that kind of time! I should start looking now.

Back by popular request.

Since apparently reader's lives are boring without this blog, I came up with a very good topic to write about tonight. Music.

You know those songs that are sappy, I love you, don't leave me type songs that everyone listens to during a break up or a tough time in their life? We'll I was no exception.

SIDE NOTE: Lady just snuck into her bag which is on the floor, not unpacked yet from mom's, and took out one bone like it was normal. She's walking around showing it off and I am cracking up. It's like a teenager going in the kitchen for a snack!

Anyway, I would listen to "not ready to make nice" and decide that I really did like the way it "turned my life around" and the song "Single" by Natasha bedingfield and realized i really did want to be single. Then I would hear songs like the one I heard on the way home today by the Rihanna beater boy about crawling until we can run, then running until we are strong enough to jump, then flying forever, so let's "crawl back into love" and remember that if sam ever said those words to me, I'd punch him. in the face. I'd lay him out.

Likewise with the song "replay" and the part that goes "I can be your melody or girl I can write you a symphony" which is my favorite part. If sam ever sang that to me I'd punch him. And I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. Even the song "whatcha say" about him apologizing and admitting that he was being dumb and should have treated me better. I would still take him down for even considering that I might listen to his real apology.

Then there are those songs ppl told me I wouldn't be able to listen to for a long long long time. You know, like the ones on our CD and our theme song. We'll those ppl were wrong. I was listening to "God blessed the broken road" before I even moved up here to canton, so that was like July (One month after the break up). I think in this aspect I'm just stronger than most girls bc one of my frds still can't listen to her old bf's song for them and it's been years since their break up. I can do more than listen to them without crying, I like them. They're good songs. I have separated the emotional ties to them b/c God obviously did not bless my broken road to lead me straight to him. It simply doesn't apply anymore.

SIDE NOTE: Lady now has stolen two bones. Looks like it's time to unpack the pup!

Last names

I just made up a theory that holds up in my life. Every girl who is seriously dating someone starts thinking of herself as mrs. Blank just to see how it fits. But for guys, they already have their last name. It's not going to change for them. This suggests that girls don't have their true identity until they are married and given their hopefully final last name. And what of those ppl who remarry, they have to identify the person they are with multiple last names. This concept sucks. It makes ppl think that without this last name that differs from ur maiden name u are incomplete. Hence y marriage is such a big deal in our society. Perhaps this has something to do with divorce rates as well.

Finals time

I only have one final and it's math which I totally get but I'm forced to study bc everyone else is. It's either study or go to the gym. I went to the gym twice yesterday bc I needed a break. At least I'm getting a workout in now, I've been too busy the last few weeks to go.

support for teaching

I always knew I wasnted to do something to help children. I started out my college career as a psychologist hoping to open a child psychology office of sorts on my own. But i changed programs to teaching b/c I it would bring joy to my life as opposed to sadness from troubled children. I was so nervous that summer I debated doing this. It was a big change. It would change my entire life dramatically. Sam encouraged me saying that I can do anything I wanted to and that if I fell on my face he would be there to support me and finance me while I went back for a different career.

I'm sitting in the last day of class listening to this person telling me theres no way I'm finding a job, and it i do, I will be fired within the forst three years and I'll have crappy pay. I'm hearing all this negative things and all I can think of is what sam would say when I got freaked out about this. He used to say "don't let them scare you. You can do anything you want and I will make sure everything is ok. He doesn't know you." But sam's not here. In fact, no one's here to tell me this and he is scaring me. I'm scared to death that I won't find a husband who can support me and that I'll have to change my career path and I will be broke and homeless and alone. I hate this crap. I hate uncertainty. I hate that I believed him. I hate that this guy is being a negative nancy.

School

For the last week (ish) I've been consumed by homework, papers, readings, and studying for school. How I mentioned to have a relaxing semester end in such a chaotic rush I'll never fully understand. I have had to neglect laundry, dishes, vacuuming, and for a while there I didn't even shower. I saw a tfln that suggested laminating notes so that you can study in the shower and I;m definately going to have to remember that for next time.

But, it has all paid off. I am more than prepared for this exam and the 9 homework assignments/papers I need to turn in today. The only thing I need to do after today is make my eprofile for edt and study for edf and math (but really edf is online, so it's open book/open web and math is so simple that I could prolly do it in my sleep). It feels really weird not having a thousand and one things to do after today. I can't really imagine it right now, I have to focus on what to turn in and when today. Of course the folder designated for today with the assignments in chronological order should help.

I just can't wait to celebrate another wonderful semester! I feel like they are increasingly getting better for me. For example I didn't have to fight with someone for some space to get homework done this semester. That was nice. And it's even nicer that the ppl I do surround myself with value their grades more than I do, maybe their dedication will rub off me. HA, who I'm kidding? I'm always going to put my own happiness first! But it is good b/c I can always count on them to be doing h/w when I need a h/w buddy.

Anyway, I am celebrating by going to the gym tomorrow! GAWD it's been forever since I actually had time to run! I miss it so much.

And of course I have a date in downtown plymouth with Mr. Perfect when finals are over. What a good life I have. Sure, it kind of sucked for a weekend, but look how good it is going to be again soon?

Right where I want to be.

I love my life. There is no doubt on my mind that Sam and I were not meant to be together. He meant to change into this mean person and I was meant to move on to better things. I love that I live in canton instead of d riv. I love that I'm doing exceptionally well in school. I love that I'm closer to my family. I love that I've filtered out the a list friends from the b list friends. I love that I am beginning a real relationship.

He makes me dance around my apt and curl up in my comfortable and have dreams that it's really his arms wrapped around me. Ths is so much better than what Sam and I had, even back in the day. He likes me for my craziness and doesn't want me to change at all. He likes that I randomly break into a pillow fight or try to surf down stairs on pillows. He cares about weather or not I sleep and how my day was. He understands the little importance I do put on school and respects that I need my own study time bc he needs that too. I love everything about him and he totally fullfills all but four requirements and those four are things I have to learn over time. I'm just really happy now and I can't even remeber my life with Sam. It's like I burried in my memory bc it was so horrible. I can't wait til finals are over bc he's taking me downtown Plymouth that weekend.

Semi

Semi was so much fun. There were minimal awkward moments when doug and I were in the 'are we allowed to touch' phase of the night. Try dancing with someone with at least a foot inbetween u, not very fun. But then he took my hands and broke the don't touch rule and the night got fun : ) there were only a few dramatic situations with some of the girls but I was able to stay out of it.

So when we went to bed, doug and I kind of cuddled. And by kind of I mean we did but I don't want u to think it was bad. Anyway, he kissed me! And stupid me started shaking bc I'm really a thirteen year child when he's around lol. So he asks if I'm ok and I said 'did u just kiss me?' he said 'ummm idk' and then he did it again! Then we both fell asleep and pretended nothing happened in the am haha.

So we went out to breakfast and I dropped him off at his house. He got all his stuff and hugged me and said he'd call me later and let me know if he can come watch elf tonight. I just can't read him. Idk if he likes me or if he was just drunk last night. It's like Edward (me) and Bella (him). I can read every guy I've ever met but with him I just can't be positive. I completely understand Edward's fasination with bella now. I mean is it even legal for sams fraternity brother to like me? Apparently they can kiss me. Idk but I'm really excited to see where this goes bc he def takes the place of my other three boys. I can get everything I need from the male gender from him. He meets most of my new bf requirements.

The blue zebra

I have the best outfit for my first semi as a single lady! I took it for a trial run tonight at the cf ball and it was perf. The shoes need to be worn in but they're so cute it doesn't matter. I realized tonight how amazing I am. I was nice to the phi sigs who came out and even when mike brenon started being stupid and telling me not to rape doug I was able to put a stop to it before he finished his sentence. they all understand that I am not going stand for them to talk to me like that now and I feel a lot better about the whole thing. So now I get to go to semi and have the best night of my life. Doug and I hung out and it went swimingly, yes, swimingly : ) we played wii sports and did lite bright together! It was perf. Lady liked him too so that's a plus. She normally knows who I'll have a good time with, she hated Sam. So all is well for this blue zebra.

Ps Ill post pics later.

To clarify...

What sam says or does doesn't affect me. What affects me is how my friends react to what he says and does. This is why I have distanced myself from those people who react in unfavorable ways, like believing his bs. The most recent slander from him was directed at my semi date. It was good that he came to me with it, which is better than most of my so called sorority 'sisters' did. I just hope that the rest of the phi sigs who have discussed these things with Sam know what they're doing. B/c I really don't need any of them but I know a few who rely on me and the whole frat relies on my sorority. That talk better start and stop in the 'brotherhood.'

And for those of you who don't think I'm over him, plz keep your thoughts to yourself. They are incorrect and offensive to me when u imply that I am not over such a piece of scum. Thank you.

Omg

Just got a message from my semi date telling me that *Ryan* told him that if he had sex with me at semi, to make sure I call him Sam. WTF!?!?!?! This creeps me out on so many levels! Since when have I ever had sex with anyone I haven't known for four years? And when have I ever has sex at semi? NEVER! that's when. Gawd and y does he want me to pretend like I'm having sex with him?!??!? This creeps me out the most!!!!! Been there. Done that. Don't want to do it again! I'm seriously freaking out about this. I can handle rumors he starts, or him giving his permission to his brothers to date me as if I were his freaking possession but seriously this is too much. Now my date might back out bc Sam is obviously not ok with this and if it wasn't going to be awkward before now it def will. Seriously.....fml. I can not believe this person used to be good.

I'm nervous

Semi is this Saturday! The cf ball is this Thursday! I have yet to actually hang out with my semi date without Sam hanging out with us so I'm pretty sure it's gonna be awkward. As for the cf ball, I have to get my sis to stop by the apt for lady that day bc I will have to go from work to fairlane and get ready in the bathroom. And the guy I invited prolly forgot about it. I need a couple more classes for winter. And hey guess what? I'm closer to graduating than I thought! Like seriously, when did this happen? I have like one more year left student teaching and all. Then what do I do? Get a job? Teaching?like third graders? Everyday? For the rest if my life? Omg, not only will I be teaching for the rest of my life, but I'll be alone. Ok nervousness just turned into anxiety. I'm done for today!

Ps. I look horrible today and Sam walks by me in the uc in a freaking suit with his bead all trimmed and his new contacts in. Really? Thx for making me feel like I didn't deserve him God.

Dating

I have figured out the dating world. It is very tricky and probably hard for some of you tackful ppl but here's the key, you aren't going to find someone who satisfies every ach left over from a previous relationship. In other words, you might need three or four guys to complete the feeling u had with someone u loved. For example, I have one guy who takes me out on really nice dates for the intellectual conversations, another one who is more of a home body and is kept as a pick me up (back rubs, cute gifts, telling me how pretty I am, all fall under this boy), and finally the attractive one who is kept for the purpose of his looks. That's three guys it took to fill the shoes of my former bf, but it works. It works because I tell all of them that I'm just not ready to commit so soon after this epic relationship, so they all know we are not exculsive. They prolly date other girls too, but when I call them, they come. And if they don't I get a replacement. I really think this is how it needs to go until I find a guy who completes all thirty some of my requirements a few years down the road.

The sunday before school resumes

I just realized while writing that title that we only have a few weeks left of classes. WOW. My first semester being single just flew by without me noticing.

Anyway, I'm sitting in Panera waiting for my sis to get her so I can record my podcast with looking like a creeper talking to myself. I painted one wall in my living room purple and I really like it. I did two coats but it might need three.... I've never done three coast of paint but you can still see the lines from the roller because the paint is very thin. I'll let it sink into my life for a while and see if it needs more. I was very productive today. I did laundry, the dishes, made pink lemonade, painted, and made a podcast (almost). It's only 5, I wonder what other things I can accomplish today. Too bad the secretary of state isn't open today, I have until tomorrow to bring back my car's registration to the canton police station along with my fixed brake light. Looks like I'm waking up early tomorrow.

Dating

I have figured out the dating world. It is very tricky and probably hard for some of you tackful ppl but here's the key, you aren't going to find someone who satisfies every ach left over from a previous relationship. In other words, you might need three or four guys to complete the feeling u had with someone u loved. For example, I have one guy who takes me out on really nice dates for the intellectual conversations, another one who is more of a home body and is kept as a pick me up (back rubs, cute gifts, telling me how pretty I am, all fall under this boy), and finally the attractive one who is kept for the purpose of his looks. That's three guys it took to fill the shoes of my former bf, but it works. It works because I tell all of them that I'm just not ready to commit so soon after this epic relationship, so they all know we are not exculsive. They prolly date other girls too, but when I call them, they come. And if they don't I get a replacement. I really think this is how it needs to go until I find a guy who completes all thirty some of my requirements a few years down the road.

Thx giving

My first holiday being single sucked. I have never been so lonely in all my life. This was my day; I woke up around 10, made a nice breakfast (like the 40 year old virgin), watched tv with lady, got ready for dinner at my moms husbands sisters house, went to dinner, came home, watched elf, and went to bed. My only social interaction today was for about 7 hours. Now I'm laying in bed and something just doesn't feel right. I need something but can't put my finger on it. I'm not hungry, I'm not cold, I'm not scared or any more lonely than I've been lately, I don't want to be with a friend or another one if my boy toys right now. I just want to be happy and for some reason, I'm not. I'm used to knowing exactly what I want when I want it and let's face it, I usually get it. Tonight I just don't know. I guess the best word to describe how I'm feeling is uneasy. I'm just not used to this family life of seeing eachother on a holiday for a few hours. Sams family would have me over in the morning, I'd bring lady of course bc they knew we were a packaged deal, and we'd cook stuff together as a family all day, listening to Christmas music and decorating the house. Last thx giving we watched the entire home alone series while we cooked. Then the good china would come out and wine would be opened and pretty soon everyone would be finished eating and just like that the entire day had flown by and I'd run off for a few hours to be with my family. When I returned to get lady I'd come in for a few more minutes to visit with eiyee then drive her home and walk her in to her apartment building. I would return to my apt by myself but filled with love and happiness. I woukd fall asleep with a smile on my face and tons of left overs on my fridge. I guess I just didn't realize how different it would be. I didn't know I would end up with an empty heart and a fridge to match. Gawd, I didn't even hug my mother today. Well, now I know what's wrong with me. I'm empty. And not even my moms wonderful vegiterian stuffing can fill me up. I can pin point what I want, but it's something I will never have until I get married and start my own family traditions, which probably won't happen.

Holidays

I was at cvs waiting for prescription to fill and looking down the festive isle they have with random holiday stuff and I began to think. I thought of the four wonderful holidays I shared with *Ryan* and how much fun we had decorating my little apt. I saw the stockings we painted, one for him, one for me, and one for lady. I saw the same snowman candy dish we bought together to hold my favorite white chocolate kisses, aka hugs. I saw the light up snowman we got his mom for Christmas last year bc she liked mine so much. As I remembered all these things I contimplated getting something new for my apt. Something I woukd enjoy this holiday season, and then I realized that there's no point in decorating for ur own enjoyment. All the little things Ryan and I did the previous four years were for both of us. He would suprise me by having the tree up and fluffed ready to put ortaments on by the time I woke up in the morning and he'd always wait patiently while I put up the train everyone except me seems to hate. But those things were so fun bc we were doing them together. And after we would snuggle under the beautifully lit up tree and listen to the wind howl outside. I think this is why the snuggie was placed in this isle.

Anyway, this holiday season will be interesting. Maybe I will decorate for my own enjoyment and maybe I'll just leave the apt plain. Whatever I choose, I know I don't want to share this holiday with another boy. Not yet anyway. I have too many memories to enjoy before I have to say goodbye to those too and make room for another persons memories.

Dating

last night a boy brought a bottle of wine over and we watched a movie and shared the entire bottle. We talked til 2am. I met him through my big sis, stuffy, but our first date did not go so well. It ended with him choking me and thus leaving a full hand print on my neck, lol, that sounds worse than it was. It didn't hurt, I honestly didn't think he did it hard enough to leave a mark, but w/e. It happened, lol!

Anyway, so he since that night his dog who he was very close to, similar to lady and I, passed away and he cancelled every date we had planned afterwards. So last night I was hanging out on my fb zoo and expecting a text canceling, when he knocked on my door. He apologized for the 'funk' he had been in the last few weeks and we talked a lot. I feel like I really got to know him, and he is such a typical guy. Which isn't a bad thing necessarily. I forgot how good I am at reading ppl. For example, he lifted his shirt to show me where he would put a tattoo if he were to get one, to which I replied "are you just showing me this so I can see ur six pack?" lol, I was dead on. So typical!

It was a breath of fresh air to meet someone who fit into the stereotypical male I have a pic of in my mind. I'm really happy he came by, he's really sweet when his hand isn't on ur throat :P

Living my life

Oh Saturdays, how I love thee so. I could do homework or study for my math exam on monday, but I won't. I will do laundry while painting a beautiful picture for my evolving apt. I will cuddle with lady bug and watch my recordings of will & grace. I will take a really long relaxing shower and blog about how wonderful my life is today. And then, when the sun has gone down, I will be greeted by a handsome man bearing a movie and a bottle of wine. Today I will enjoy my life as a single 20 year old college student.

Th hills have eyes!

Let me start off by saying that I never want to go to Tennessee again. I know there was talk amongst the other grandchildren of taking a road trip down here to see papa’s grave, but they will be making that trip without me.

Everyone up here is slow. The way they move, the way they talk, the way think. Slow, slow, slow. Everything is slow. The speed limits are 55 mph, but since the roads meander up and down hills, you can never get up to speed without slamming on ur breaks and turning. I swear I have never used my breaks so much in my life.

Everyone is cluttered and lazy. I have never seen so much junk in all my life. Ppl have houses that all look like junk yards. When we would see one (of about 5) clean yards, the next one would be so bad it discredited the first.

There is nothing here. There is NOTHING here. One kid was bragging about his city, a few towns over, having ONE restaurant.

I did learn somethings on this trip, like why marriage is such a big deal to me. It’s bc my grandma is obsessed with it. Every time she introduced a new person it was always, she’s married to him, or she lived a long long time alone before she married him, or even she never did marry, so sad…..

Also I learned that men want to own everything. There was not a pond or a house we highlighted that david (the usual driver) would say man I’d love to own that! Women can just enjoy the beauty of nature while men, have to own it or be in control of it to truly enjoy it. Not only that but I could go on and on about the sexism I’ve encountered down here that they usually call “southern charm.” I’m sorry but I am not no ‘lil’ missy’ and I can drive myself around safely without a man escorting me. And you know what? I can even open my own doors :O I know, big concept, especially for ppl down here to grasp.

the hills of TN

I am in the middle of no where. I guess it's called the hills of TN, but it is nothing like the hills TV show. I am a city girl to the bone! We went a pizza hut for dinner and I had to ask if they had well water or city water, the waitress replied, "we just have water, darling." They had well water.

JIMMY IS DRIVING ME NUTS! He is the most annoying person on Earth. When my little Nana says F***ing followed by your name, you know you are not a good human being. One good thing that will come from papa's passing is that we get to cut ties with him. I know this sounds bad, but seriously 5 minutes with him and I want to ignore him. I'm a pretty patient and understanding person too.

On the upside, this hotel is not too shabby. I was expecting scorpions and spiders in a rinky dink room with no heat and no nothing. I'll admit when we puled up to an empty parking lot in the middle of no where with nothing really around, I thought my expectations were confirmed. Quite the contrary, there is free internet, wonderful heat, a microwave, a big TV, and a mini fridge. I can live with this. I'm rooming with my nana so I get a whole bed to myself, and our room joins with mom and David's. We've been opening our connecting doors to talk once in awhile, but Jimmy's in their room, so I'm trying to keep it closed now in hopes the disease doesn't spread.

I should really do some homework, but heck, I've got time. Everyone is so slow here. The way they talk, the way they move, it's like they don't even think as fast as normal ppl. Tomorrow's the viewing and I am so glad it is only 3-6. I couldn't handle 12-9 with these ppl without the rest of the grandchildren unit.

Friends and funerals....

The viewing and the funeral service for papa was really nice. It was exactly how he would of wanted it. I feel bad that I didn't tell Sam about the services, I had keith tell him tonight and he was really upset. I think he would have wanted to come pay his respects, he liked my grandpa a lot. Oh well, I can't change it now. Maybe Sam shouldn't have been such a crappy friend before, maybe then he would have known about it.

Anyway, it was nice. My sorority sent me flowers which was totally unexpected, I forgot what position does things like that. Sisterhood? IDK, but Alex also surprised me with paint and a roller. I had told her how I wanted to paint my apt and was thinking purple for the living room. The color she picked is perfect and I'm so happy I have something to distract myself with when everything settles down. Oh, and not living in a black and white apt is such a big plus!

You know, they say you find out who your real friends are when you're going through a hard time. I sent an email out with the time and location of the funeral arrangements to my sorority, as many girls have done, and I never would have guessed who showed up. Bertha (a code name), who lives down the street one city over didn't pop in for a minute, Ellan (another code name) and Lauren (yet another code) who live in the same city also didn't stop by to show their support. I half expected my big sister to drive the long distance to be with me one of the days because I feel like we are really close and I would do that for her. But no, a new member stopped by.

Amy surprised me when she and her bf walked in, they live in dearborn so it's not like they were on the way somewhere. She actually took the time to drive 30 minutes downriver just to say hi and that she's here for me. That meant a lot to me, especially since we haven't had the chance to become close friends like I had with most of the other girls. She even called me tonight to see if I wanted to come out with her friends to get my mind off everything and watch a movie. I'm so glad we are rooming together for semi formal so I can get to know this girl better. She is really nice and I hope I'm not misreading this like I was with Bertha....

So many things have changed in my life recently. I realized who I can really count on to pick me up when I'm down and I am rearranging my life to make time to be with my nana more in a couple weeks when everything settles down. I'm leaving lady with me dad to go down to Tennessee for my nana, if that doesn't say I'm here for you Idk what will!

Papa

On november 11, 2009 at 8:45 pm one the greatest people to walk this earth passed away. It was for the best but everyone he left behind will miss him terribly.

This is the hard part, getting through everyday life and the hoildays without him. Nana told the social worker at the hospital that last time, with grandpa Charles, she had two girls by her side, but this time she had no one. Now I know she knows that we woukd always be there for her but she meant at her house with her 24/7. That we can't do. It's dangerous for her to live alone in Taylor. Not only bc the bank three houses down is robbed repeatedly but also bc of her moral. It's hard for me to get motivation to get up and go do something. Sometimes I don't want to eat bc if I cook I'll have too much left overs that will go to waste, and I'm 20! I can't imagine being married and used to another person getting up next to you and brushing their teeth next to you and eating breakfast with you, then have to learn to simply do without. If i am feeling the effects of an empty nest when my companion didn't technically live with me imagine the intensity of loneliness and emptiness she will experience after thirty some years actually living with him.

It's hard bc there's no right answer. Do we arrange for a family member to live with her and jepordize taking away her indepence and spunk? Or do we leave her alone and trust that she will keep herself healthy and active? I feel like animals would def help, maybe birds. She loves feeding the finches and watching their colors change. Or was that grandpas thing that she just went along with? I can never tell. They did everything together.

Either way, RIP papa. You were the best grandpa a girl could wish for. Don't worry, we'll take care of nana <3

I think I just grew up

Tonight I'm sitting in my apt watching my new obsession bones and eating my dinner and I took a minute to anaylize myself. I mean there I was in my Aldo boots and express leggings with phenom hair and I was completely satisfied with how my life has turned out. I realized that I have become more independent than I ever was. Yes, I was alone. But I wouldn't have it anyother way. I am completely free to move through this world as I please and I am doing it exactly how I please. I do not have to check in with someone or worry about if someone else is having a bad day. No. I worry about myself and my family. That's how life is supposed to be, that's how it was before this patriarchy.

Also as I sat there and inspected myself, I saw a confident women who truely wants the best for everyone. I don't want drama and I don't want to surround myself with burnt bridges. I am a great girlfriend and a great muse to anyone who knows me. I make eyiee proud even though her grandson failed her. I am classy and down to earth and I am learning how to be tactful like Bree vandacamp. Everything I do betters who I am as a human on this planet. I know what I want, when I want, and how I want it but most importantly I know what I need. And right now that happens to be a friend who will stick up for me regardless of what rumors she/he hears and a nice long massage.

I also want to blog about my dog tonight. I picked her up a bacon flavored bone at the store tonight and she litterally did everything with it stuck in her jaws. I mean, she went outside and peed with it in her mouth. That's pride if u ask me son. She's like me with chapstick. I guess it runs in her genes. : )

Superbad!

So I'm sitting in pancheros on aa and guess who walks in? That skinny kid from supperbad and the star of Nick and Noras infinate playlist!

I hope it's really him and not just an illusion from my over worked brain from spending 3 hours in the ugly.

Freakin' day

Where to begin!? lets start with yesterday. I called off work to go see my grandpa in the hospital. Once at the hospital the doctor, who was more than a little than a jerk, came in and said he needed to get surgery to get a stint put in the tub connecting the kidney to the bladder bc it was blocked. So this was scheduled for this morning.

that brings us to today. I wake up at 8:30 and go directly to my laptop to continue writing my research paper. I'll run through this real fast: around 10:30 I get ready to leave for my volunteer project for class. I work at the arts n' scraps warehouse for two hours putting together bags of scraps for children to make self portraits with. Back home I have just enough time to make a personal pizza and get dressed for initiation.

When I arrive at initiation, I am asked to place my phone in a bucket with all of my sisters phones so that we are not distracted throughout the evening. I am reluctant to do this bc I the last text I got from my mom was that grandpa was going in for the stint surgery and I was awaiting the outcome. I place my iphone in the bucket and walk downstairs. That's when alex tells me that my good friend tim has decided to 'cut ties' with me bc it would be best for both of us. This is a shock bc tim has told me time and time again how much of a blessing I am in his life and how much he needs me. Even more of a shock is that he isn't even going to tell me this, he asked her to do it for him.

We get a 10 minute break and I run upstairs to find the text from my mom that the surgery was not good. There were complications with his heart during the procedure and they almost called code blue. Thats when I realize that it was just last year at initiation that sam's grandma passed away. I was very close to eyiee and it was really hard to deal with my own grief and be there for sam as well. I bent over backwards to ease his pain.

Anyway, I put my phone back in the bucket and walked back to the basement. I sat through the next hour in a daze thinking about everything and how mad I was at myself for not being with sam last year when eyiee passed. I left initiation as soon as I got the word but I wasn't there when I should have been. So I thought about what I should do now. Should I continue to stay here while my grandpa, or grandma or mom, might need me?

When we got another break, I told kara that I had to go. It just didn't feel right being there when I wasn't sure how my grandpa was. I drove straight to oakwood where more of this tim drama unfolded. He had messaged my mom about the same thing he had told alex.

Once I see that grandpa is ok for tonight and on the way to transferring to u of m where he'd get better care by physicians who have worked with him before, I headed home. On the way I called Tim and had a nice long conversation about what he was thinking when he said that stuff. He told me that he thought it was best for both of us so naturally when I told him that that's not what I wanted he changed his mind. Apparently his 'frd' had put this idea in his head, ironically the same 'frd' who had just talked to me and left me with the thought that he was happy tim and I were still frds.

I get home and immediately talk to this 'frd' (we'll call him Napoleon bc he has a touch of a Napoleon complex) about this. Napoleon tells me he said no such thing, that tim had already made the decision to stop talking to me b4 he talked to him about it. This is load of crap, but I wasn't asking for an explanation anyway. I was simply asking Napoleon to stop telling tim what to do bc earlier on the phone tim said something about how everyone is telling him what he should do and it was confusing him. We ended up going back and forth and he ended up saying I was controlling.

REALLY!?!?!?! AH! if you ever want to watch me go from zero to ten, say that I'm controlling someone's life. It's sam all over again.

While I'm basically going off on Napoleon for saying that, I get a phone call from Tim telling me to stop talking to Napoleon bc Napoleon just called him yelling bc he was upset at me. Napoleon, upset at me? was I the one making accusations? No. Was I the one who thought a relationship only meant dating? No. And was I the one who bluntly lied about what they had told Tim? No. So why Napoleon was upset is beyond me. He had no reason to be.

Well, if you know me you know that I don't take well to being told what to do, even if it is something as insignificant as to stop talking to Napoleon. So this frustrated me even more, but not nearly as much as the whole "ur controlling him, stop being his mother" crap did.

I'm still very frustrated at all of this bc Napoleon doesn't have his facts straight and Tim is not really laying it out for him well enough. I hate Napoleon. I hate little boys who think they know everything that goes on between everyone and has to stick their nose in where it obviously does not belong. I am not over this an I will not be over this until Napoleon realizes how much he is hindering Tim's mental growth by taking charge of every aspect of his life. Napoleon owes me a HUGE apology and although Tim thinks it is all water under the bridge, he is sadly mistaken.

Not so bad

I'm eating in moes and people watching since I'm alone and I see this father walk in holding a little boy in his arms who looks to be around three or four and another older boy trailing behind them. I've been creepily watching this little family and I just keep thinking that if I was so lucky to end up marrying such a good father things won't be so bad. I mean, sure, divorce is practically inevidable these days but if my first hubby was a dad like that, I would be happy. I think I'm adding this to my new boyfriend requirements, along with 'changes his own diapers.' see earlier blog in a few hours for details on that last one.

It's a new day : )

It's confirmed, I have a date to semi. I thought I'd be going single for sure, but he got back to me and he is very excited, as he should be. I'm a hot date : P

Also, I have made the decision to pick up another job for the weekends at micheals or kohls. Why not make some more money while I'm keeping myself distracted from my 'empty nest' (forgot to blog about my theory that since 'ryan' was such a big baby, I'm going through empty nest syndrome since he has now left).

AND! I had a long convo (over fb chat :( ) with a guy who I use to LOVE to talk to! He is very smart and very nice and meets a lot of my requirements, but we were really just friends. Then something happened and sam made me stop talking to him b/c me kindness towards him was 'giving him the wrong impression.' It feels so good to talk to him again.

So today was a good day. my arms are sore from the gym (yes! muscle!), I watched the sun set as I drove home from my rewarding job at the preschool, I played with lady, and I reconnected (kinda) with a good friend. I can breathe a little bit better tonight : )

Yup! what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself and we could all use a little CHANGE!

I looked up volunteer opportunities with united way and there are some really cool ones. I can teach kids! HAHA that's what I love! So I applied to two good positions that I would be able to do (since all I have open are weekends it was kind of difficult). Hopefully I'll hear back from them soon.

Also on my agenda is getting my dad to allow me to go stay in his house in chicago. I wanted to rent out a cabin up north, but something tells me I'd be scared shitless in the woods all alone. So chicago works. Maybe I can stand to be with someone else, but that someone else would have to be someone who knows me and understands me so that I don't have explain every little thing I say and do. That narrows it down to a boy who I haven't seen in a year, my sister who is too busy and too wound up in her career as a student, and, well, that's kind of it I guess. Crap. I got no one.

well I'll toy with the idea of going with some of my sisters. There are a few I love to hang out with, but unfortunately they all have boyfriends who they are tied to. I understand that cuz I've been there. You know Sam actually made me promise I wouldn't go on any more vacations unless he was able to go with me. HA what a crazy four years it has been. Hell what a crazy 6 years it's been! We had a lot of fun. maybe now is the time I'm not supposed to have fun, you know, the be fair to other ppl and kind of even everything out.

November 1st

Halloween is over and I have nothing to do. Everyone I want to hang out is busy and I have a meeting for the twentith anniversary of a sorority made up of girls I can't trust. I wanted to go workout and got all the way to my new gym and realized I wouldn't have enough time to workout and shower before my meeting. So I drove to dbo where I sit now, in my car, waiting for 4:30 to roll around.

There has to be something more to this life. This cannot be all I was intended to be at this point in my life. I can not make myself as happy as I was two years ago. I hate this. You know I actually drove to the top of the 'place' where Sam was initated into the fraternity and into a completely different person before coming over here? Something needs to happen and I don't know what that is. I can say that it isn't a new boy, or hanging with girls who will stab you in the back in a second, or even being with my family. I'm not even sure if shopping is going to help me, but I'm gonna try it anyway : P

But seriously, it might mean transferring colleges or a spur of the moment trip to San Diego. I might mean taking a leave from work and school for a while (dads worst nightmare) or it might be something simple like painting my apt. Whatever it is, it has to happen fast bc I can't take these depressing days where I have nothing to do but think of the old Sam anymore.

I'll call it 'my coming out night'

Last night I went to tiki bobs for one of my friend's halloween party that they won, so it was free to get in. I dressed like a sexy vampire and did my make up phanom! So when we got there I thought I would just hate it b/c there's so many slutty girls there, and there were slutty girls there, but I realize that I don't care how slutty girls are as long as my bf is either all about me or not there. Tonight, he wasn't there b/c I was SINGLE! I've never been to a club SINGLE in my life and let me teel you, I danced my little bootie off! I danced with two random cute guys, by a pole, and on a bar. I danced with my two girl friends and didn't worry that someone was watching me in disgust. I didn't drink anything except water all night but for some reason I started feeling dizzy and nauseous, but other than that, it was a perf night out. I'm calling it my coming out night b/c that sums it all up!

frustration

my iphone cord has seen better days. It hasn't worked normally in a week or so but now it just doesn't work at all. My phone is dead, and it's charging once every 10 minutes, which isn't enough to bring it back to life for more than a sec. but each time I get excited and try to view my text messages. just as I get ready to respond it dies again.

So I'm going to tiki bobs tonight as a vampire, prolly without a phone, then heading to the delt sig's party and/or the after party, but if no one is there I am not staying b/c I am not that fond of the phi sigs. Tiki Bob's will for sure be fun. Hopefully my girls will be at the delt sigs too, but w/e. Today was fun at the center, with all the halloween costumes and the trick or treat walk. SO CUTE! My face was Harry as Harry potter, haha and Noah as a tiger. I love those kids.

SAM

so a long long time ago i sent him a fb message saying thank you for teaching me how to change my tire. It's been like a month and I figured that was that, he wasn't going to respond. Today I get his response "np" which really shouldn't affect me but I have that his name came up on my email. I hate it b/c I deleted his email from my address so that I would never see that crap again but fb has to go and fix that for me! Thx fb.

so I realize it sounds like I'm running away from this issue, but I swear I'm not. I'm completely over this boy I spent 4 years on. If he were to beg for me back like he's done in the past I would turn the other check and maybe get a restraining order. I'm just saying. It might come to that. He did fb message me.

UH F you fb! and FU sam for not making ur profile off limits to me like I did to you! GAWD! He's so happy with that girl, that girl who is just an uglier version of me! brown hair, round face, brown eyes, perfect teeth, except she has werid checks, like a frikin' chipmunck. How in the world did he get into such a loving relationship three days after ending a four year one!!!!! He NEVER cried over me but I'm still breaking down when I go the frickin' gynos b/c it reminds me of how crazy in love he used to be with me. How can he just pick up and transfer the love he had for one girl to another? I just can't do it. I guess I'm not strong enough. There will never be another Sam for me and it makes it that much worse that he found another Stephanie already. I was honestly doing fine until I clicked on his stupid profile pic and went to his page and saw an album titled "my new home" by that girl with all pictures of sam. My SAM. He was mine.

I'm forgetting that 'he' in this situation is not the 'he' who I feel in love with. That boy in those pictures in Chicago is not the boy 4 years ago who offered me a promise ring the he would never leave me. That boy kissing that uglier version of me is not the boy who thought he had gotten me pregnant by dry humping me. That boy, isn't who my boy was. I need to remember this b/c if I forget it I will not be able to handle it. I won't be able to move on with my life if there's a chance that my sam is still in there.

Ugh

Semi formal is right around the corner and it is stressing me out! Not only do I have to decide who I'm bringing but I also need to pick a roomie. Usually Sam woukd pick who we roomed with because he's a cry baby and would cry about it all night if he didn't click with our roomie or their date. So now I'm deciding for the first time ever and most of the girls I want to room with have bfs and want a room to themselves. Alex said I can room with her which is awesome bc I won't have to worry about being locked out of my room while they have 'alone time.' but now for who I'm taking.

I love this kid who joined the phi sigs last winter and I already asked him (gawd I was nervous). He said yea but he has to clear that date with work. So i'm still waiting for def answer and it's killing me! Bit then I realize that Sam hates every guy I talk to and that would create such a strain on their already fragile brotherhood (if that's what they call it). Sam has made other brothers cancel their tentative plans with me before, what would be dif about this time? And if he can go do we sleep in the same bed as assumed? And do we dance together? What if I'm not a good dancer? It's funny how i didn't care how good I was at dancing until now. And what about drinking? Our roomies might not drink but I want to. But then what if he doesn't drink? He's a really nice boy, I feel like he doesn't do anything wrong but I do everything wrong. I hate worrying about stuff like this, I hate that I care what someone other than an employer thinks of me.

Hopefully he'll get back to me asap with a def yes bc if he says no I'll prolly end up taking someone below me who I won't care what their opinions are of me. This ones like on my level, kind of. We haven't really hung out one on one yet. But I know he's a good guy. Super cute too!

What will they come up with next?

So today I get a text from a snake saying that a phi sig was talking to him about how I'm prolly spending more money since sam is not in my life anymore to pay for all my necessities. HA! What? When did this kid ever pay for anything for me? I think the only he ever bought me were promise rings (none over $100 of course, we weren't rich!)

So lets lay this one out for you. I'm 16 with a balla savings account and sam's 17 with no bank account, no job, no money (except the $20 his mom would give him to buy fast food b/c at this point that's all he'd eat, and he'd eat $20 worth a day. Tis is way he was over 300 pounds when I met him. but moving on). He wants an ipod and the new xbox 360. He negs and negs and negs and begs and begs and begs for weeks, but I finally give in b/c I'm with him all the time and I can't take it! Then when he 'buys' my truck off my dad (in payments of $100 a month) he needs help paying it. I pay for it for a few months. When his parents were going bankrupt I off my money. A littler here, a little there, and BAM! my saving account was spent on sam.

So we start working at my dad's office, both making the same amount, but for some reason I was still expected to pay for dinner, gas, entertainment, etc. I even ended up giving him alcohol money once in a while. Why you might ask? because we were in it for the long run and he would eventually pay me back (so why haven't I seen a cent yet?)

Let's fast forward to a year ago. We are having problems b/c he is staying out at the bar every night and blowing me off for his frat boys! (NO i do not mean fraternity brothers, I mean exactly what I said. deal with it.) At this point he is working as a dish washer and I am making less than him at the preschool. He is working on becoming more of a savor (which he has obviously never been) so I would still pay for things. His gas for his car, $20 to go the bar to check out other girls, etc. ....Good times.....

So this is why when I heard this information, I was ferious at first. Now, 30 minutes after the fact, I am cracking up. This is really funny when you think about it, Sam is going crazy. He's an idiot who doesn't belong in college but, thx to me, was able to pull up his C and below report card in high school and go to baker college. What a great college! Then, also thx to his study buddy (aka me), went to Wayne state university. his whole hick family had a celebration!!! their boy was at a university! And guess what? his parents thanked ME for helping him focus. Then He transferred to U of M Dearborn and joins a frat. Again his parents and sam himself could not thank me enough! A wright going to a university was one thing but joining a frat and taking leadership roles was just mind boggling!

Well you're welcome wright family. For paying for so much and not asking for anything in return, for helping your boy raise his grades and put more emphasis on studying and education, for introducing him to those awesome phi sigs, and for being there for your family through thick and thin and not expecting a thing in return. You're welcome for letting you walk all over me. good luck finding another one as kind as I was to you.

....HA Sam paying for ME?!?! In what world?

Halloween

I'm kind of over the whole frat party scene these days, so this year I am going to hop between tiki bob's and the delt sigs, that way I won't have to be at either for more than two hours, tops. However I didn't have anything to do on the actual night of halloween. So after a couple girls asked if I knew of any parties I decided I would throw a party!

This is going to be sweet! I'm going to move my coffee table to my bedroom so that we can dance to the amazing playlist I will have which will include monster mash, there will be hot dogs that resemble fingers with ketchup for blood at the ends, pop corn, chocolate covered pretzels with orange sprinkles, and lots of chips! To drink I'll be making red daiquiris and orange pop to either mix with alcohol or drink plain.

So the select ppl invited to my halloween bash will arrive dressed up, dance and eat for a while, then we'll head to the haunted put put course down ford road and play a round, then back at my apt we will watch halloween town and other like movies that are halloweeny yet not scary. This is going to be so much fun!

getting over a break up

The memories you will always keep; $0

A new apartment to forget about half the lies he told; $665 a month

A new bedroom set from Ikea to make it your bedroom instead of 'ours'; $1,000

Throwing out the old promise rings that ended up meaning nothing; A lot of will

Hair app., new clothes, and a new way of life; $400

Finding another best friend who won't spread or make up rumors about you; Priceless

I've made it all the way to the last step, but can't quite seem to finish this....

mean girls

True friends don't spread rumors about each other. When they hear something about their friend that doesn't seem right, they stick up for them. They do not believe these things and they do not think a thing about writing it off.

Boys are dumb. When you move on and leave them in the dust they are going to say things. I expect my friends to disregard these thing at least. They should rebuttal against the person saying these things to defend their friend, but I'll settle for disregarding.

So either "Ryan" or one of my friends has been talking 'smack' about me and its just getting around to me. I just want everyone to know that these things are not true! To most of you this stuff is old news but to me its brand new and I am furious. Like, furious enough to go inactive. Apparently ppl don't think I respect sorority events anyway, so why should I continue giving my dedication to this org when all they do is spread around these lies and probably add to them?

Also, since I don't know who is saying this stuff about me, I'm done discussing my life with my closest friends because some of them have turned out to be mean girls. These are girls who have been made fun of their whole life so when opportunity strikes they take their frustration out on their friends. They might do this by giving poor advice, or becoming close friend with an ex boyfriend. Well, I'm done feeding these rumors and I'm done trusting ppl with any information. The smallest detail could be construed into a big rumor if told to the right mean girl. So Goodbye sisterhood. It was nice pretending we had you....

So to recap, I'm over the whole high school lets talk bad about our best friend behind her back bull. If you want me to set the record straight for you I will, but you, as my friend, should know better than to believe that I would show up to a sorority event under any type of influence and you should also know that I don't hook up in frat bathrooms.

Worms

Today it rained all day and I got to thinking about worms. You see them all the time when it rains in the summer and their tunnels fill with water forcing them up to the side walk. But what do they do in the winter? I didn't see any worms today so did they go into hibernation? Migrate?

This seems like a question for google. Answer tba.

Apparently they go deeper underground b/c it is warmer, but why don't they suffocate down there? Can anyone answer this?

It was JUST a dream...

I promise I won't blog about every dream I have, but this one scares me to death. I'm giving the person a code name although I'm sure if you're reading this you know who I'm talking about.

I was in a room I did not recognize with Ryan's twin neice and nefew on either side of me. His father was on the chair adjacent to the couch I was on and his mother was standing by the door. I can not for the life of me remember where I was but I'm 100% positive I've been there before. The twins were SO much bigger than I remember, but the tone of the dream did not imply that we were there to catch up. I was holding nickili because he was crying and Ava, although she looked as if she'd been crying, was sitting stone faced. No one made a sound. Then I heard someone coming. It was Ryan. He had a box on his belt that he tried to cover up. Every time I've seen Ryan come into a room, he would embrace his mother, they had a very close relationship, but in my dream he walked briskly past her. I could see the hurt on her face, but no one else noticed.

Ryan looked out the window closet to his dad for what seemed like forever. I hate silence. Then turned around and said something that didn't matter and opened the box on his waist line. He pulled out a gun. everyone shrieked, but I was somehow not shocked. I just put my arm around Ava and held on to Nickali tighter. Ryan proceeded to say things that don't matter and approach Ava. He shot her. Then he came to me and Nickali. He had the gun to my head, I could feel the heat from the barrel, but then he put it to Nickali's and shot instead, keeping eye contact with me. He shot his dad, then his own mother. I was alone in a strange room with 4 dead bodies of ppl I once cared deeply about staring at this stranger I once knew inside and out. He put the gun to his own head and shot. I crawled out of the room, I'm not sure why, and once I got outside, everything was normal. No one knew what had just happened. I was the only one. I tried to bring ppl back into that room to show them, I'm not crazy, Ryan just shot his family, but when I returned there was nothing inside.

I just have to remember, although it has a very real background message, it was just a dream. I just can't get the look on his face out of my head. It was anger, it wasn't sadness. It was more like loneliness and longing. Idk, my brain sucks sometimes. It decided to pull out the old Ryan when in the real world there is only this new strange Ryan. The old Ryan used to say he can be surrounded by ppl and still feel lonely if I wasn't with him, but this new one definitely prefers that I'm not with him.

I wish I had a teacher like me

EDT 210 is all about classroom websites so far and I must say, mine are pretty sweet. I'm working on a webquest for my future students, which is where you divide the class into groups of three or four and send them to a website you have made that describes an activity. from there each person in the group is given a role in the project. They go to their page and do their part. Everything is online and it can be really cool, if you do it right.

Well, I will have to make a point to put mine up here because I have groups of 4 working on video taping a weather forecast for locations specified in class (or in this case made up and spelled out on this website). I have links for everything! Each student is doing a lot of work compared to what they normally do, and there is no way a student could go through this webquest without learning about the weather and seasons of different areas of the world. I love myself as a future teacher!

I mean I even incorporate Pooh Bear by having the student with role 4 make outfits that would be good for him to wear if he lived in the location they were given. And I mean actually make. I have links to clothing and a pooh bear that they are supposed to cut out, glue together, and put on a poster board with labels. This is the coolest class ever!

Good Morning!

I had a much needed good morning. I finally started my workout routine back up with my frd. so I actually woke up early instead of sleeping til class. Then on the way home, ppl were stopping to let the geese cross the road and I just laughed. It's crazy how there can be so much evil in this world and then the simplest act of kindness towards nature can turn everything around.

When I finally got home I noticed the bee I was so afraid of last night was still hanging out in the same spot. So I stopped for a closer look. I'm afraid he's hurt and can't fly, he just keeps picking up his feet and moving them slightly, but he's not going anywhere. I know I looked insane, standing outside my door asking a bee who no one else could see what was wrong, but I wish I could help him. I already had a fish die in my car and now I'm going to have a dead bee by my door : ( But that's nature. It happens and if he dies then it must have been his time to go and new bee to come to life.

Anyway, I continued my morning after realizing that three of my neighbors had begun to stare. I watched will & Grace with my puppy Lady Bug then took a wonderful shower. Now I'm going to go do my beautiful hair that I love, and go do interviews, class, then possibly mongos to support a group of guys who used to be my friends. Why do I still feel like I should support them? Because I'm a good person damn it!

destressing

I am letting go of everything I can not control. We all need to just let go of the toxic parts of life and embrace the good parts. Its easy to forget what's really important in this world when you can't see past the clouds of fall to the stars. I can't tell you how long its been since I've seen the sun rise, or set for that matter. We all just get too busy to see the good in life once in a while.

Dreams

Last night I had a dream that I was looking in the mirror on my vanity putting makeup on. Only I had super beautiful long Italian Brian Sbroglia eyelashes.

Oh and I was putting on my makeup with beads instead of my fingers, sponges, or brushes. And it kinda looked good. I'm gonna take that to mean that I look good no matter what or how I get ready.

I Love my sisters <3

Just got home from my long day of class and deepher meeting and I realize how much my sisters mean to me. Once in a while I am overcome by love for them and tonight is one of those nights, even though its 11:30 pm.

Yesterday stuffy and I hung out and she helped me realize that the bar will be raised. Last night I called andrea crying b/c I thought that all guys had no good in them and since guys make up roughly 50% of the world's population and about half of the girls are bad too, that's like 75% of the population has no good. She made realize that that wasn't true and I was being crazy. Today Alex skips class to go eat with me and this guy we just met both love to death.

Then the meeting was so long, but it was just because we are doing so much! And I just really appreciate all that we as deephers do, we help out so many ppl and touch so many lives. We have relations with every greek org on campus. Sitting there in the meeting I see gifts from fraternities who love us, and women doing all that they can in their positions this year to better not only us, but homeless people in detroit and other orgs on campus as well, and I LOVE IT! I love that the meetings seem to last forever and I love that there are some events that I can't make it to b/c that means that there's that much more going on in our sorority. These women are going places, each and every one of them. They are all leaders and they are all amazing at what they do.

I love my sisters.

Requirements

while sitting around after getting out of class early, I decided to make a list of requirements for my future (like 2 years or more down the road) boyfriend. I'm not going to explain them all b/c some are just common sense.

1) Touch. I need someone who doesn't leave bruises on me. My next serious bf will be able to beat ppl up but touch me like I'm glass.

2) Language. No C words or P words plz!

3) Big drinker? NO! Sure, drink socially to have a good time (with me preferably) but he will not be drinking by himself or every night with the boys. that's just not happening.

4) Bar Nights? NOPE! I understand if there's a special event like a birthday at the bar or something along those lines, but guy nights at the bar will be limited to 2 a year. And that's a big compromise for me. Coming from the relationships I have, my next bf is lucky to have any hope of bar nights with the boys. Now if he wants me to go with and I feel like going, which isn't often, that's a different story..... see "only have eyes for me" for more on this topic.

5) Strip club? Absolutely not. I can't date someone who has ever been to a strip club or has any ambition to go. I do not condone that and neither will my next bf.

6) Cultured.

7) Legitimately fun. Preferably without saying every two minutes, "this is sweet, YEAH!" b/c when he's with me, that should be a given.

8) Family interactions. Nothing sweeter than a boy who has mad respect for his parents and who charms yours into thinking he's the guy for you. (no momma boys plz)

9) Friend interactions. Are you going to go out with your friends and do things that I don't want to associate myself with? NO. So my next bf will have minimal changes in his behavior in different crowds.

10) Spontaneous.

11) Only have eyes for me. When we are out in public there will be no looking at other women. all focus will be on me, I am the center of your world and that's the way you like it. This applies to bars and when we are with his frds. He will not ignore me to have long conversations with his buddies. When I am in the room all he wants to do is talk to me. (this does not mean I can't decide not to talk to him in situations like parties where he'll need to hold his own, see clinginess).

12) Past relationships. How did they end? Were you in love? Are you still frds.? Etc......etc....

13) Maturity level.

14) Age. He will not be younger than me, he will most likely be above the age of 23, but I am willing to compromise on this ONE and go down to 21 and up.

15) Importance of School.

16) Fb usage. Too much? Too little? Does he write notes that make me want to vomit? is his info similar to an online dating profile? etc.

17) Hair play. Enough to feel good, not enough to mess it up or annoy me. My next bf will love my hair, as he will love everything about me.

18) The 'i love you' factor. I'm all about fast pace but I can tell when it's not legit. My next bf will understand that I can love the person you are and say i love you when appropriate, but when I'm in love with you, I will say "I am so IN love with you." not just I love you. and it will be said that way until i fall out of love with you. I say how I feel, so take it at face value and do not feel like you have to respond if you have a different way of looking at it.

19) Honesty and Loyalty.

20) Self sufficient. Self motivated. There will be no relying on me for food/gas/clothes/etc. There will be no "wake me up at this time." No you will wake up on your own, you will buy me things, you will be independent.

21) Selfless.

22) Clinginess. There won't be any. He will be his own person and thus he can stand by himself in the same way that I can stand by myself. I do not expect him to be with me all the time nor do I want him with me all the time. Been there, done that, hated it. It ended after 4 years. I'm not going back.

23) Actual dating. My next bf will always plan cute dates no matter how long we are together. I expect to be pampered for the entire relationship.

24) Money. This isn't a huge one on my list, but he will be able to pay for a lot of things. I'm not asking for diamond rings (not after getting three that all meant nothing) or pearl necklaces (I can buy own), but gifts, such as flowers and fun dates to cedar point, are expected.

25) Attractiveness. I have to be attracted to him, this includes everything on this list (his personality) and his looks. I'm not expecting brad pitt (although I would take him) but I don't expect you to be uglier than Samuel Wright. That's taking it too far and I will turn my next bf down if this situation occurs. I know that sounds shallow, but Sam looks like a douche bag so really there shouldn't be any problems.

26) General Concern for me. My next bf will put my interests above everything. He will know when I've been crying even though I say I haven't and know how to turn my day around. This goes hand in hand with eyes for me b/c out of all his frds my opinion is the one he will listen to, etc.

27) Sense of humor. Gotta be able to laugh and appreciate the funny things I do.

28) Have a future. I am done with these boys who aren't going anywhere! How can you live like that? No ambition = no stephanie.

29) Confidence level. Not enough to be cocky but enough to be comfortable in his skin and take criticism well.

30) Good conversation. How does it flow? How interesting is it? does it keep my attention? Do I want to talk to him?

That's it! That's all I want in a guy. Is that so much to ask?

Epiphany

All guys are pigs at heart and all women are better off without them in their life. But that will never happen because of our ridiculous society.

I'm starting to see that the guy of my dreams does not exist, although he did for a short time. There are no innocent guys who honestly like you because of you. It all has to do with your body or what you can do for them. This type of guy just doesn't work for me.

(this only applies to straight men, gay men are always awesome to have in your life)