going to bed

I was frustrated earlier, but I'm much better now. THe schedule thing in normal in a healthy relationship and the fact that he is making an effort to see means that he is still into me (or so says the movie he's just not that into you). So I'm good with it. I'll probably see him tuesday with my friends and he said he'd come out with stuffy and gary thursday after his class and he'll probably come over saturday after work again, it's kind of becoming our official 'date night' which I think is very important to have when both parties in question are as busy as we are. It was bothering me earlier, but now I see that the fact that everyone of our friends wants to double date with us is such a good thing. It means that they really care about me and want to get to know the person I'm letting into my life. Speaking of which, my dad wants to meet Doug over Kristen's birthday dinner (if she has one, which she always does). So he's sweating bullets already, lol! When I told him when her birthday was he responded "oh good, just enough time to get nervous." HAHA It's a good thing that he's nervous, it tells me that he wants to make a good impression. And as for the whole valentine's day thing, I don't care what he does for me that day, it's not a big deal. I am interested in seeing what he does though b/c it could tell me a lot about him. So I'm keeping my mouth shut and letting everything happen the way it was supposed to happen and enjoying the ride along the way. You know, I'm a firm believer in the saying it's the journey, not the destination.

Frustrated with society

I am a healthy women. I can run 2 miles now (only stopping three times to avoid an asthma attack), I can lift weights, I eat healthy, I do yoga and bikram yoga. If you were to read about my health in an article, you'd think I was extremely fit, and I feel like I am. Then I turn on the TV or I start looking at clothes online and realize that in this society I'm fat. It doesn't matter how physically fit I am, all ppl see is the excess fat on me that is not going any where. I was sick last week so I was unable to run as hard as I normally would. In the past week I went to 2 bikram yoga classes and the gym only 3 times (which is still a lot better than most ppl do when they're not sick). Yesterday I ran 2 miles almost non-stop at 5.0 (more of a jog for those who don't know tread mill speeds) and biked 6.5 miles in 15 minutes. Then I stretched out and did some ab workouts. Today I am not sore at all and that makes me so mad. Not to mention that I don't even want to look like some of these women I see on TV or in magazines. I never want to be a size zero nor do I think I could physically be that small. You, know, it's strange how ppl try to make their physical beings as small as possible but their impact on other's lives as big as possible. Anyway, I'm just frustrated again b/c no matter how much I lose, I'll never be like THAT, and our society teaches us that without looking like THAT, you should never feel secure in a relationship. IDK I'm just frustrated with this whole thing and me getting sick was the worst possible thing at that time.

Also, I'm getting frustrated with this whole dating thing. There aren't any 'dates' b/c we are both so busy. I'm free Wed night, Fri night, Sat and Sun and he's basically free during the days and tues/thurs after 9 which is too late for a dinner date. All my frds have b/f and it was so hard for me to see them b/c they were always going out with their b/f. Now that I have a b/f they all want to do double dates and that is not working out so well b/c of this schedule thing. My schedule is pretty much set in stone now, nothing can be altered. I suppose it's the same with him too, but I feel like it's more his responsibility to make time for me since my schedule is actual appointments and work whereas his is group projects and driving around his brothers. I just realized that I'm never dated anyone who has brothers. Tim had one sister, but they weren't close, Tommy and I were never serious, Sam is an only child, but Doug has this whole family thing going on, which I love but I also think he needs to just be a kid sometimes and take his g/f out on a date again. He came over last night and it was so hard to say goodbye to him b/c I knew that it could be another week until I see him again. I mean we have tentative plans tuesday night after 9 with my friends but he could cancel, or they could cancel, or something could happen and we wouldn't see each other until next saturday night after he gets off work at 8:30. I believe one of the requirements was makes time for me, and if it wasn't, then it should have been on there b/c this sucks. I know, I know, I'm using a double standard b/c I'm not making any effort to change my schedule for him but I've been there done that and it sucked even worse. I think He understands that I'm not prepared to do that again ever and it's not like I'm asking him to change his work schedule or something that is set in stone. I feel like most of his plans are tentative and therefore subject to change anyway. I'm not sure what he had today, but he said he was busy and all I have to say to that is Valentines day fall on a sunday so if he's unable to take me out that day, I'll be really upset. Valentines day isn't even that big to me, but it's our first opportunity to celebrate us being in a relationship and I want to celebrate!!! I want wine and I want candles and if he can't do that for me he better do something better. That's all I'm saying.

a real blog

I have a real topic to blog about now. ppl who break up with their long term relationship just to get into another long term relationship with someone else. When you go through something as tramatic as a loved one unloving you, you need time to heal and reflect on your relationship. Why didn't it work? Was it meant to? Are you going to have to try it one more time to answer these question? Do you have regrets? Do they have regrets? How has it made you more knowledgeable about what you do/don't want next time around? How has the relationship shaped who you are now?

You need to think about these things if you were really truly in love with the person. Sometimes it takes a few times of getting back together and trying something different or just simply giving the person at fault a second try. I personally feel that a long term relationship can not be broken by one faulted party, but rather both of the parties growing in different ways. Sometimes you have to get back with the person to know if it's really over between you two and make sure that it wasn't over something insignificant, and that's ok. It took me a year to accept that it was over and that we weren't just breaking up over something insignificant. We were breaking up and fighting b/c the love he once submersed me in was gone. After I understood that, I knew I would be better off without him and thus I moved on. I began reflecting on the relationship and I have answered all these questions.

We all know Sam found a new g.f 3 days after the last time we broke up, and I'm ok with that. In a way I'm kind of happy b/c it shows me that I didn't completely harden this boy who walks around grinding his teeth like he's going to punch someone out at any given time. It tells me that he is still capable of love and therefore not completely hopeless as I expected. However I am afraid that he didn't evaluate and therefore did not learn anything from our mistakes. The girl he picked is worse than me for him (I don't try to know what's good for him, but this girl isn't good for anyone) and his life still revolves around the fraternity instead of himself. I see no joy in his life, not even when he's with her in public but I pray that he has it when they're alone. He's still washing dishes b/c I saw his water dried hands at the grafitti party and he is now gaining back the 300 lbs he lost in a year, probably b/c of his alcohol intake being so high and so frequent.

He's not the only person to do this. I just saw that one of my 'sisters' who has just broken up with her b/f of 3 years (I think) is in a relationship with another boy, ironically by the same name. I have to wonder if the name thing was on purpose b/c I'm telling you there is no way she's not going to end up calling him her old b/fs name at one point anyway. Sam called Kaitlyn Stephanie a few times, imagine me talking him through that one with her! HA! Anyway, I just think that the whole jump into a relationship thing is SO over rated. I regret giving my fling with TIm that title b/c I wasn't ready and I told him that everyday. You are supposed to go out and enjoy the single life, breathe and live on your own two feet and not depend on another human being to be you other half for once in a very very long time. Then once you figure out who you are now, after a long learning experience and without another person tied to you, and you have evaluated the relationship as mentioned above, you can move on and into a relationship, if that's what you decided you want. I just can't express how dumb this girl is being right now. At least she waited a week, it's better than 3 days I guess. I'm just glad I did it as right as I could and now I have no second thoughts about dating Doug b/c I know what needs I need him to satisfy and he satisfies them all. I even interviewed him (kind of) before accepting his offer ;P

sry for the typos I'm exhausted! goodnight now fo reals!

Volunteering :)

Today was my first day at the Westland center and let me tell you, it is a nice place. It's the newest of the three centers and the dogs each have glass rooms about the size of my kitchen and a back area they can go to be alone that I couldn't see the size of They have blankets and bones and they all run up to the glass to greet people which is SO Important when they're up for adoption. They actually go through training to get them to do this in order to increase their chances of being adopted and also to exhaust their brains and get them thinking about something other than being locked up. They had two puppy rooms that were less attractive, but puppies always go fast so it's not so bad. They were all playing with each other and looked generally happy as dogs should be. The cat room was awesome too, with a play scape suspended from the ceiling where the cats would play and climb on. The other room I saw was the bunny room where 4 chubby little bunnies were nibbling away at some fresh veggies. I didn't see one sad animal and that made me happy. I did see many families coming in to adopt and that also made me happy.

My main job was to put together packets for the cats that are being adopted out from the petsmart in taylor where I'll be tomorrow morning. It just had the basic paper work in it but I enjoyed seeing all the effort put into finding a good cat/owner match. I'm so excited to actually do it tomorrow!

I was on the website looking for other time slots they could use me at petsmart and I noticed they needed dog walkers on the time that I'm available. I just finished emailing Jammal about what I need to do to be qualified to take the dogs out. This would be the ultimate position, actually playing with these dogs who have been turned out by their once trusted masters and recreating the bond between human and animal. Ok, maybe I'm looking too far into it, but I just wanna play with the puppies! HAHA So, that's all very exciting and also my practicum school is literally just down the street from the center so it all works out! Now I just need to schedule the Oakland center and I'm set up for an amazing semester!

PS. I'm seeing Doug tomorrow night! YAY! I'm also having lunch with my friend Kelly Doer and possibly going to a party with Dani later that night. But who knows, I'm on this weird kick of not going to parties. I've canceled two this week already and it's not even the weekend. I'm a little concerned by this, but not too much. I'm sure once things settle down and I get antsy again I'll start hitting up all the parties again and live up to my deepher award 2009 of party girl! haha aight, good night who ever takes the time out to read these incredibly indescribable blogs I write. Like what was this even about? 4 different things? Nice.

My world's on FIRE, how 'bout yours?

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored!

I'm not an all star, so I'm not going to get my 'game on' and I'm not a rock star so I won't be getting the 'show on' to 'get paid.' So enough with the old smash mouth song.

My life is on FIRE though. I just realized how crazy my schedule is this semester and it's still not set in stone. I'm used to everything being done and squared away before the semester starts so that I can just fall into a routine and get things done, but I always get bored. This semester, my classes changed, my work schedule is still changing, I've added three volunteer time slots two of which are still tentative, I have to get 45 hours at a practicum that hasn't been scheduled yet, I'm trying to lose weight, and I'm convinced I'm going to spend as much time as I possibly can with my girls and at least SOME time with Doug (who I haven't been able to see in almost a week now).

Some might call this hectic, other might say I'm overloading myself and I'm going to get run down, but I say that this what I like. I love having to go from one thing to another and I love using my time to benefit other ppl while bringing joy and happiness into mine. I love planning, and I'm good at it, which is why all of these things can be done. I have factored in driving time, 'lady time,' and rest time to rejuvenate myself. There have been no problems yet, and things are starting to settle down and get that routine feel, but I still need to incorporate the practicum and the Oakland shelter and the Pet Smart position. For me, this keeps things interesting. It's when my life gets stagnant and routine like that I feel comfortable at first knowing exactly whats going to happen when, but then bored. Then I get antsy and I lose focus. It might sound crazy, but I do my best work while multi-tasking to a certain degree. This is why I do my homework in front of the TV watching BONES or Will & Grace. My brain has to be stimulated or I'll lose interest.

Side Note; I feel like I should put in here that I am finally sick. Not just a cold, I have strep. I had a sore throat monday night and was convinced it would go away like it had before even though it was worse than it had been earlier in the month. When I woke up, it was def pussing and I def tasted blood, so I went to the dr where she swabbed me and did the less accurate but faster test right there in the office. It came back positive, she gave me meds (which were free at mejier), and I went to class. I feel bad when I'm sick like everyone else, but add medicine to the mix and I feel down right awful. My head spins, I get light headed easily, my body drags, and I taste it. The tasting it thing started in the hospital when my gal bladder was taken out and I could taste the morphine when they would inject it into my IV. When I go a while without eating anything, I taste the Amoxicillin, which is why I try to always be snacking on nuts or veggies. Water just amplifies the taste, so I need to get cranberry juice (something Sam started to do for me every time my throat would hurt and it's become a security blanket). Tuesday when I woke up in the middle of night, I was achy and felt like I was dying and all I could do was roll over to Lady and cry b/c I wanted someone to take care of me. I wanted someone to Iphone the nearest clinic that would take me the earliest, and I wanted someone to surprise me with juice. I wanted to be babied, but I'm glad I wasn't b/c in the long run, there's only going to be me and possibly my dog. I'm going to need to do everything for myself and that includes making myself better when I'm sick.

When the sun shines, it shines!

If you didn't get it, that's the opposite of the phrase "when it rains it pours." Today I went to work and had a wonderful time with the kids who were especially uplifting. After work I came home, took lady out, got changed and headed to Bikram Yoga Studio. The room was 105 degrees and we did yoga for an hour and a half. I kept up wonderfully, which is rare for first timers the instructor assured me. I sweated my butt off but now I feel so good. I'm energized, my body is relaxed, and I'm proud of myself for sticking with some of the more challenging poses. It was a great experience. When I checked my phone after the class the MHS had called me! They offered me a volunteer position in the office and at pet smart! I can choose my hours and I just emailed the person in charge asking for Friday mornings and Saturdays. I will work 2 Saturdays/Sundays a month at the of site pet smart, and every friday morning in Westland, right down the street from me! What a great day, and what a great opportunity to see some animals find good homes! At pet smart I'll actually be the one consulting the new family and making the descision if it would be a good fit or not. I'll be able to bring families happiness by adopting out animals! My life just got a whole lot brighter!

Now I'm freezing b/c my clothes are drenched in sweat from the class, so I'm going to take a hot shower and prepare for my class and sorority meeting tonight :)

never underestimate a friend in a time of need

I didn't mean to blog about my issues with working out in my last blog, so that's how I'm justifying writing another one when I should be sleeping. I just got off the phone with my friend Adrianna and we basically just went through what I'm doing at the gym, why it might not be working for me and most importantly what I can do to change the fact that I'm not seeing any results. She gave me some good ideas and I'm excited to try them out, but the best thing about our little convo was that she gave me back my motivation to be healthier. I literally jumped on my laptop and looked up classes I could enroll in at my gym and yoga classes. Then I remembered Heather taking me to bikram yoga and how much fun we had doing such an incredibly intense workout. I texted her and we are going to a bikram class wed night, but since I want to get started asap, I'm going tomorrow at 1 as well. Unfortunately this will take place of my regular workout b/c of my schedule, but it is quite the workout and what Adrianna and I decided was that my body is so used to just running and pumping iron that I need to switch it up. So I'm switching it up. 15 minutes ago I didn't even have the motivation to pack my lunch for tomorrow b/c it doesn't matter what I eat, I'm still going to look and feel fat (for lack of a better word). But I just finished packing the best lunch ever. I have cucumbers, bell peppers, a banana, half a pb sandwich, a cheese stick, and a water bottle and a wheat grass mixture my mom gave me. This is how I eat everyday and my body has the audacity to tell me I'm still fat (again, sry kiki, it's the blunt truth). I'm not going to take that. I get what I want, when I want it, where I want it, and right now I want to lose weight, within the next month, in canton, MI, or more specifically, in my stomach area (yes, I'm spoiled. I get it)! So I'm making that happen! All this motivation came from one 5 minute phone conversation with a good friend. I will never underestimate a good convo again! Thx Adrianna!

Ladybug and I

Today was a designated homework day. I slept in, woke up, had breakfast and did some chores around my apt. Then I had lunch with my friend for her birthday and came home to start on my long to do list of homework. I worked on h/w until 9, that means I was doing it for 5 hours. I had to get out of this apt! So I took ladybug and we went for a drive with no real destination. She did some barking and I did a lot of driving for about 20 minutes. Then I headed home and decided I wasn't quite ready to come inside yet, so we went for a walk. Since the weather wasn't so bad I made it a long walk so she could enjoy it while it lasts (her hips hurt in the cold weather so long walks are a def no). I found a new route I think I'll take her on from now on. We both are back in the apt and I have to finish studying for pre-calc. my first test is tuesday and I'm really nervous. I know it all except one concept and it's driving me nuts! I can't even understand it from the examples he gave in class. My next plan of action is to consult the internet, so I should go do that. I am dreading waking up at 6:30 am, but I'm going to pack a lunch and workout clothes so after work I can hit the gym, which is a whole other story.... I'm not getting results from all my hard work. I've been running for fun and hoping I can lose weight while doing it but I haven't and I don't understand. When I'm sore everyday b/c I do intense workouts and I run at least a mile everyday, I should be getting results, anything, 2lbs, more muscle, I'll settle for any inclination that my insane amount of energy spent at the gym is worth it. My life revolves around the gym right now. What I eat depends on how it makes me feel when I'm running. For example, I ran after eating mongos and felt like puking, so I'm not eating mongos anymore. I am following the food pyramid to a T, I've done the whole protein smoothie in the morning bit to gain muscle, I've stepped up my workouts after my cardio and even tried doing a workout first then cardio incase the order would effect anything (it doesn't for me). I'm out of resources and running out of stamina. I started this crazy running thing last semester, like september. How is this humanly possible???? I'm working on bumping my minimum of 1 mile up to 1.5 miles, but I usually do 2 now anyway. Hopefully this will do something for me. Oh, and still no luck finding a water bottle that excites me. maybe I'm too picky and too demanding, but for now I'll have to switch back to my old water bottles. How depressing is this day? seriously, and to top it all off there wasn't a new episode of DHW. I've tried to stay positive, but that's just taking it too far.

Last night's shenanigans

Last night was actually a lot of fun despite the fact that I was in close proximity's to my old best friends and a few of them completely looked past me b/c of the situation (and I'm not talking about jersey shore). Even Brian hehir, the man who drunkenly made up a song to serenade me with one night merely said hi to me and tried to avoid making eye contact with me. But it was worth it to write on doug and kiss him all night <3>

Dear Mr. Hotness monster

Yes, your dogs are cute, but that doesn't mean I think your cute. And yes, our dogs met and I petted yours b/c they liked me, that doesn't mean u can pet mine, she doesn't like very many males. I admit that I am curiously attractive, but I'm not just another pretty face. Your pushing 30, I'm not even 21 yet, so no I'm not going out with you or any other hotness monsters in canton or in belleville. You are simply a piece of eye candy to me, so get used to it. We don't even have to talk. I'm fine with that. Our dogs will sniff each other and I might pet your dogs, but your only job is to stand there and look hot so I have something to look at when I'm single again. can you do that for me? Thx a bunch!

-Girl you think is named Abby :P

HAHAH The hotness monster!

I literally just posted that I wanted someone to take me out on twitter and I took lady outside. Guess who was out there? Mr. Hotness monster with his golden retriever! He didn't ignore me like he always did before, he actually talked to me and invited me out with him tonight! HAHA I think this is hilarious! Of course I said no, he's way too hot and too old (looks to be pushing thirty) for me, someone in a relationship, to be hanging out with. Not to mention we've only talked once after shooting head nods at each other across the lot since I moved in around August, so I don't really know him and I like Doug way better since this guy was so stand offish with me before. I do want to go out though. I have nothing to do here and I've been sitting in classes all day! I want to go out and have fun (just not with him)! Why doesn't anyone have parties on a tuesday night?

2 is better than 1 (or not)

Although this is a good song, 2 is not always better than 1. I was fine being 1 instead of 2, in fact I really needed to be 1 and not 2 for a while there. Now that I'm technically 2 again my life's happiness has only increases minutely. I know this sounds stand offish and maybe mean to my other 'half' if you will, but I feel like I need to think this way to protect myself from being hurt again. Maybe I have grown cold and closed off to the male gender over the last semester, can you blame me? Regardless I am taking a huge leap of faith with Doug after all that I've been through and at this point in my life I need to take that leap of faith to know if 2 is really better than 1, and so far it is. But I can't admit that, b/c admitting that would mean leaving myself vulnerable to the fangs of this world.

I asked him why he's dating me today and he replied b/c I'm cute, smart, funny, etc. etc. etc. Nothing of quality. He described hundreds of other girls I know. He said nothing about my beliefs, what I stand for, my cute little quirks that I've slowly let him discover. The reason he's dating me is so, so, idk. It's just SO. Where as I'm dating him b/c he treats me like I'm the center of his world, he plays with my hands when he holds them, he agrees with me on the big political topics, he's responsible and cares about other ppl other than himself, and he is independent like me. Him being the cutest guy is a definite plus, but him being so cute to me is b/c of these things that he stands for. To him I'm just a cute, funny girl who happens to seem smart.

In conclusion, it is wise for me to protect myself in this situation b/c an end is coming to this relationship sooner or later. I hope it's later b/c I'm really enjoying his company and affection, but unless he takes the time to see below the surface here, it's really going nowhere. So 1 will have to be better than 2 when this happens and so I must keep it in my mind for now.

Fighting to stay healthy

Today is the second day in less than a month that I have waken up feeling sick and by means of lots of water and vitamins felt better by the evening. I want to make it at least a year without getting sick, for once in my life! I have come 10 months of being illness-free, but January is not being nice to me. I need to remember to take my vitamin C everyday b/c I always forget, and I need a new water bottle. I'm tired of my old water bottles, I need something new that I want to carry around with me like I used to last semester. I never went through a class without drinking 16 oz. of water in the fall. I need to start doing that again. New Years Resolution #(I lost count); get a new water bottle and take vitamin C every day!

Live, Love, Laugh

First I should clear things up and say that Doug didn't know I was waiting for him saturday night, so he really didn't intentionally hurt me which makes what he did completely different from what Sam did. So all is well there. :)

Next I wanted to bring up something I heard on a commercial. "Most people just pass through you life, but some people are meant to stay in your life forever." I thought that was pretty deep, or maybe I was just making it deeper than it was intended to be. I took this to mean that you are supposed to have many ppl move in and out of love and laughter with you but there are a select few that are meant to share your love and laughter for your entire life. Those few ppl in my life have become very apparent after Sam became an idiot. Amanda Smith, Meggie Baese, Alison Wykle, Stephanie Kondratow, Emily Kuzaza, and Alex Freeman to name a few. Along with the family who, by definition, are meant to stay in one's life forever but sometimes don't. I am fortunate enough to have my family in my life and I am grateful for being able to share my life with them and the other wonderful *true* friends I have accumulated in my 20 years of living.

As for all the other ppl in my life who weren't meant to stay forever; Sam, Brandon, Shannon, Melissa, my Irish man, my italian stallion (HAHA), and many many others. Each one taught me something that has benefited me greatly. I won't go through each one right now b/c frankly, it's 1:30 am and I'm tired, but my life wouldn't be complete without their chapters in it. So for them as well, I am thankful.

maybe its time to be single again...

his excuse; he went out with some friends after work and got drunk and his phone died.

This is fine, EXCEPT that he had plans with me, well kind of. I wasn't sure if he could come late to the anniversary but he was supposed to text me after work and I was supposed to say yeah come dance with me, or no Melissa's being strict about this. I would have said come dance with me, b/c it was more of a fun dance party and no one really cared who showed up. Even though plans weren't set in stone, it sucked. I was checking my phone all night b/c I didn't want him to be waiting for a response. And the 'friends' he went out with, I don't even know them. Not that that matters, but I just keep thinking about what guys do when they go out with their frds and get drunk. It's either a house party (which I hope it was in this case), or they go out to places like strip clubs and dance clubs. I don't want to not trust him. There's no reason to. He's been completely open with me about everything and tonight he's coming over, mostly b/c he feels bad, as he should. Maybe I should ask him what he did last night after he got drunk. I just have a bad feeling about this, this was what Sam did to me EVERY NIGHT. Like exactly. He would go out, get drunk, do 'stuff,' let his phone die, or my personal favorite, turn off or on silent, then call me in the morning after I've been texting him all night and apologize and come over to kiss me and tell me lies. That WAS my life and I will NOT go through that again.

But Doug isn't Sam. Doug is better than Sam. He hasn't done anything like this before and hopefully it won't happen again. I'm going on record saying this was the last time he will do this to me. Next time, if there is a next time, I will be single again. I don't need a guy who does that to me. I've been there and done that and hated it. Please God, Do Not let him do it again. If his phone wasn't dead, this all could have been avoided. I hate phones. Why do they have to die?

20th anniversary

I'll make this short and sweet b/c I am drained. I had so much fun meeting our founders and dancing with them and catching up with my lil sis, but then a slow dance would play and I'd really want to dance with doug. I knew he had to work, so I texted him and he never responded. I ignored it and just danced with my girls, but doug and i talked about him coming late just to dance so I'm surprised he just blew me off like that. IDK, maybe I told him not to come, I don't really remember, but in any case why all of a sudden is he ignoring me? There has to me a logical reason, I can not have made the same mistake twice. I just hope he calls me tomorrow and says his phone died and he fell asleep before it charged or something that makes sense. If his reason is that he went out with his 'girls' to necto or worse with his boys to the strip club, I might end it. I'm not doing that again. I love this kid and have a lot of faith that it will not be the latter, but at this point I just don't know. He has left my mind wandering and that is creating doubt that really has no place being there. He hasn't given me a reason to think things like this so I'm going to try and sleep and pretend that he is not ignoring me like sam did. I'm going to act like I never texted him so that I can have sweet dreams. Good night universe.

A life is a life, no matter how small.

I don't think I emphasized how excited I am to start volunteering at the human society tomorrow. It's been a long time coming and I finally have made time for it! Here's another instance where you know who was holding me back. I wanted to do this in HS but he was all "oh, ur allergies are bad" and "you get too attached" and "what if you get bit?" negative nancy all the way, so I didn't make time for it, but I vowed to always do what I can to help strays and animals the God brought into my life, just as I vowed to always make sure ppl broken down on the side of the road were taken care of (usually by just looking and making sure they were changing the flat or had another vehicle with them or on a cell phone, for security reasons of course).

Fall 2009. My sister and I are driving to Oakwood hospital to see my grandpa Calvin. We took Ford road all the way down instead of taking my usual freeway route. When we were getting onto Southfield freeway from Ford road I saw a dog laying down on the hill. I assumed it was dead but watched it just incase b/c I wanted to make sure God had taken care of it incase he meant for me to take care of it. It was moving. Actually, the beautiful chocolate lab was chewing on what looked to be a dead squirrel (I know, gross. It could have been a toy, but I thought it was a squirrel). I freaked out and made Kristen turn around. We got out of the car and walked up the hill to see if I had been mistaken. The dog saw me and I stopped walking. Her tail wagged as she stood up and began to walk towards us. Kristen was in the car before me, I wanted to come in contact with her so that I could possibly get her in the car, but then we were in my sister's brand new ford fusion and hershey, as another woman came to call her, was pretty scruffed up and dirty for her journey to this lonely place in the world. I was standing right outside the car, not sure if I was going to put her in the back seat or what and hershey was right out of my reach when big sister stepped up and became the negative nancy every animal lover needs to keep them safe. She coaxed me back to into the car, alone, by saying things like "you could get fleas and bring them back to lady bug" and "Stephanie Joyce, you're being dumb, we'll call the authorities and they'll do this, it's their job! You don't know what your doing." So in the car we both sat frantically calling police stations, human societies, friends who knew the area, our parents, ect. All to no avail.

6 hours pass as we sat there watching the dog sit on the grass and stare at us calling people who were supposed to be able to help us only to be redirected and turned down. Our last call to our father worked. He answered and told us about one of the ladies at his office who rescues on the side. He gave us her contact info and we called her and explained to situation. She came up there as soon as she could and met us. The boys she was with scared hershey, and she ran away from us, far into the woods. So we all had no choice but the leave her with some food by a tree where her water bowl was left when her owner dropped her off in the God forsaken parking lot. That was my introduction to hershey.

The next day, and many days after that, I would go to that place and wait. Just sit in my car and look for her. She was back the next day and I tried again to get close to her. I never got as close as I did that first day. I carried around towels, dog treats, bones, food, a long leash, and water bottles incase I was able to get close to her again, but I wasn't. I left her food everyday I could, but there was no saying she was the one eating it. There are coyotes and deer in dearborn that were more likely to have stolen the food I left out for poor hershey. I missed classes, got a flat tire, and sat for hours on end in the freezing cold rain feet away from hershey, just so she wouldn't feel alone. I did everything I could, met with officers, talked with the nicest animal control lady who set up traps to catch her, and put the contact of the closest humane society that we would take her to as soon as we caught her. But we never caught her. The male animal control officer would see her one day and chase her down like an idiot. She was way faster than any two legged human being and probably most four legged beings as well. Either way, he would chase her thinking he could catch her and she would disappear for days.

Once I watched in horror as she crossed the ramp to southfield freeway to take shelter under a pine tree in the stretch of land between the ramp and southfield. I went over there with her, I drove and parked on the side of the ramp with my emergency lights on. I sat under a tree three tree away from hershey on a towel, leash and treats in hand. I sat there watching her watch me and she did eventually get up and walk towards me, but she stopped at the tree closest to mine and laid down with a grunt. The trust she had initially, if any, was gone because of all the people I had chasing her down. about an hour later and I had to go home to my dog. It hurt to leave her there and I often cried on the way home because I knew that if she didn't trust me I would never be able to help her and no one else gave a damn about her.

Eventually she disappeared for good by the henry ford campus. The nights were getting colder and it rained often. Three weeks later I saw hershey on the side of southfield freeway dead on my way to class. God had taken care of her b/c the humans she was left on Earth to trust were scum. She would have been an awesome dog for someone out there. Some dogs are mean and ill tempered, but I spent countless hours with hershey and I saw how kind she was.

Before class that day I went on the human society's website and I signed up to volunteer. The soonest date for training was jan 16th so I took it. I've been waiting for tomorrow to come since then and I have opened my eyes to animal cruelty around me. I never used to scan the sides of roads and freeways for dogs, dead or alive, until I met hershey. Now I do and I have seen a bull dog decapitated, cats hit by cars (this might not be a case of strays or dropped animals, but simply loose cats), and dogs that were at the mercy of people driving cars who don't give a damn about saving a life. I have also seen bloody piles of feather, which I can only assume to be birds that have been hit, along with the occasional squirrel. In a different, more environmentally friendly country (whose name has slipped my mind), freeways and streets are built and then never moved and the speed limit is never changed once set. They have not built a new road since the 1950 or something like that. This gives the wild life around a chance to familiarize themselves to the traffic in the areas around where they live and they supposedly have less road kill and accidents. I'm not sure if this is true, I read it somewhere, but it's an idea. I mean, why is it ok to take an animal life with a car? It's the same as using a gun, but if you shot a dog in the city, you would be in trouble. Run them over with your car and you're good to go! Police are never involved in road kill accidents although you'd think if you hit a dog you would pull over, see if it's ok, call the police or animal control and try and make the situation right. People don't. People just don't care and that's what I can't stand. In the words of Dr. Susess's Horton the Elephant, a life is a life, no matter how small. That's why every time I see a bundle of bloody feathers or a cat on the side of the road, I pray. b/c someone in this word needs to care about the lives that our desensitized community have taken.

Well, my goal of procrastinating finishing pre-calc was achieved! I could blog about this for hours and will probably return to the topic again. As for tomorrow, I can't wait to start doing something I have a real passion for. I mean, I like dogs more than kids sometimes (I know! :X) so if my preschool job brings me such joy, imagine how satisfied I'll be with this position. Someone asked me what the source of my happiness was. I jokingly said lady, but I realize that that answer isn't far from the truth. Animals bring me joy in the same manner children bring me joy. Only animals can't say they hate you when they get upset and they can't stab you in the back, nor do I think they want to. Animals just want to have fun and so they find joy in everything they do if left to their own resources. When a dog has been mistreated, it's a whole other blog lol, I'll cover that one another day when I don't have pre-calc staring me down.

TGIF

I love dating a rock star. I heard a few of his songs, so far, in the studio and got to meet the guy who is recording him. Not to mention I got to *see* him play. I have never been so attracted to a guy as much as I was attracted to him in the studio playing his bass guitar. It was wonderful, quite possibly the best experience I've ever had..... next to that night in the back of Sam's truck looking at the stars, drinking wine, and talking about our hopes dreams and aspirations. But can an amazing experience be jaded by a horrible ending? I think there's a chance it can, but only if you associate that experience with pain from the ending, which for some reason I don't do a lot. Perhaps its b/c Sam changed so dramatically and it was more like the boy in the truck bed next to me drinking wine and telling me how he wanted to settle down with me some day is no where to be found and a new hardened Sam has stepped into his shoes.

Enough about Sam, he's an idiot and that pretty much sums up everything I have to say about him. Back to Doug. I'm so glad he took me to the studio today! His music is amazing. It's like rock music, but better. There's a song titled "i love you too" that I enjoyed despite the slow beat but I can't bring myself to get past the fact that it is dedicated to his ex. It's good b/c it shows that he is capable of having a mature clean break up but it's bad b/c I'm his g/f now, so why is this other girl in his mind while he's playing, writing, or tweaking a song like that? Sam and I were pretty serious, but I would NEVER say I love him today, not in a song, or in lyrics, or any other way one can communicate. I don't want to make problems where there aren't any, so I'm leaving it at that and putting track number 5 in the back of my head. It is my least favorite for other reasons other than Doug writing it for another girl anyway.

So the studio was awesome regardless and I met his little brother, who is adorable! I started Yes Man which is pretty good and now I'm home cleaning and cooking dinner for one. I'm trying the crock pot again...3rd time's the charm! I'm not sure what's going on tonight, I haven't' heard of any parties or anything except Amanda and her b/f Mike playing wally ball in Southgate, but I don't like Mike b/c he's sexist and I'm not that good at wally ball and it's a pretty far drive. So I'm passing on that one. Oh and tomorrow I'm going to go to a meeting/training so I can volunteer at the MHS!!! Then it's delta phi epsilon's 20th anniversary shin-dig at night. One of our founders is coming!

SNOWBOARDING!

First I should say that I had an ideal day of class today. I went to work from 8-11:15, then had class at 11:30, after which Adrianna picked me up and we hung out for about an hour. Then I watched the blues brothers with *Him* and went to my two math classes. Between my math classes I hung out with more sisters and afterwards I went over my old HS friend's BF's house which is right by my gym (of course stopping home to take lady out first). That's where I snowboarded for the first time!

There's a huge hill outside his apartment building and there were sleds and snowboards. The boys were really good at it, but I got on and my first try I went half way down the hill, and I jumped off before I fell, so no harm done. Actually, I didn't fall once, which to me indicates that I can do better. But yeah, I tried again and went all the way down!

I also made a snow angel and we all made a buddha/pirate snowman and enjoyed the best hot chocolate while we dried off. It was really fun and I'm really proud of myself for snowboarding. I want to get a board and do it for reals! It makes the snow so much easier to handle!

So tomorrow I get to hear my boy record the base line for his album. I was so surprised when he asked if I wanted to go with him, that's like his baby and for him to share this part of his world with me means a lot to me. I know I made a good choice opening up to him now.

correcting yesterday

I am now registered for 13 credits, so I am a full-time student. This is at the cost of working for 3 hours on wednesday since I asked yesterday if they could find a replacement for me so I could take a class during that time only to find out that I don't need to take that class during that time.

I forgot that everything happens for a reason. I was scared to graduate early and dad was forcing me to if I could. I was kind of trapped into doing it, it was no longer a real option for me. Now it's not an option. I won't be graduating early. I have 5 classes left to take, I'll take 1 over the summer and 4 in the fall (if they offer them all), that makes my student teaching next winter semester and graduation in summer '11, right on time with the rest of my classmates. If I would have been in that class I could have done the last 4 classes over the summer since 3 of them are 2 credit classes and rather easy, and did the student teaching in the fall, placing graduation at jan '11 and making me a 21 year old teacher. Oh well, lol, looks like I'll be 22 after all <3

Oh and did I mention this leaves all day wednesday to do homework for my tuesday/thursday classes and go to the gym? So I have wed. Fri. Sat. and Sun. FREE. I like this schedule much better, and if I get a second job I'll be able to work all day wed. Good stuff, right?

I also had the ECEC fax over the documentation of my TB test and Blood Borne Pathogen test over to the practicum placement office so I'll get my placement tomorrow. Hopefully it's at a new school system so that I can continue to broaden my range of schools I have contact with. So that's taken care of.

The only down side to today was my b/f was having a bad day. He has mild bipolar disorder and today was one of the days where he was depressed so I had to leave him alone all day. I guess this goes with the everything happens for a reason though b/c I did get 5 chapters read for my edc 460 class, but still! I'd much rather have read with him.

first full day of classes

Today started out with every indication of being a great day. I slept until 9, took a wonderful shower, made a gorgeous breakfast (40 year old virgin style), read a little, and then left for my class at 11:30. My first class was EDC 300/301, Psychology of Education that requires a practicum placement field. You need to have a TB test, blood borne pathogens test, background check, ect. ect. on file. all of which I also need to work at the ECEC. So apparently I need my work to fax over these documents to the practicum placement office in the SOE before I can get my assignment. So I call the ECEC and of course it's one of the few times they don't answer, so I leave a very detailed message and move on with my classes.

Class 2. English 327, literature for children something or other. When I registered for this class I was wait listed but soon after I received an email saying I was officially on the roster. So I ordered the four books, and prepared for a semester of reading and analyzing children's books. I walk in the room and there is ONE seat left. It's a very VERY small room holding only 18 spots. I take the last seat assuming I was the last person to come in. Wrong. This is where my day really get messed up. Four other students walk in after me, all with no seat. The professor walks in and asks about ppl on the wait list so about 4 students, including me, explain that there was an email and yadda yadda yadda. Since we were the last four to get bumped up onto the roster, we were the four to get kicked out. This brings me down to 10 credits this semester. 10! I can't have 10 credits, I need 12 to stay on my dad's insurance and in the sorority and to finish on time and keep up with my general plan for my education. I'm used to taking 16/17 credits, now I'm at 10? So I'm freaking out.

I go directly to the computer and pull up my credit distribution sheet and go down the list. NOTHING WORKS. I try numerous options, adding a class monday which would cut my hours at the center down, but that class required a correquisite, which interfered with another class I needed. Then there was an option of taking a Wednesday class, but I needed a prerequisite and it would take my little 10 hours at work down to 7. There were a few other options, but none of them worked due to either of the mentioned problems. I was livid. The obvious solution was to move eng 327 to a larger classroom, I mean really, what is a university doing with a classroom that only holds 18 students? I've Never heard of such mambo jumbo (earlier I was using more harsh wording, but I've calmed down since then). So as my last weak attempt to salvage this semester and fulfill the credit hours I need, I called advising and set up an appointment for thursday. If worse comes to worse I will take a thai chi class that's worth 2 credits just to stay as a full time student.

I didn't come to the thai chi solution until I spoke with alex later. First I said to myself "you are getting too worked up about this, you're close to tears and you are not productive when you are this upset. take a break from this scheduling, relax, and come back to it later when you've calmed down." So I went to see doug and met up with my old best friend from high school who had just transferred to umd. She invited me out to Bdubs and we kind of caught up a little bit. Then I called alex and she brought me sushi to eat in our class we had later that day and really calmed me down with the whole notion of taking a 'blow off' class to stay within 12 credits. I felt much better knowing there was a plan B if I couldn't work something out with the advisor thursday. I got to hold Doug's had and he did the adorable interlacing fingers thing that melts my heart every time. Then I had to go to class #3.

Math was good b/c it was familiar. I enjoyed doing the annoying explanations I hated last semester in math 385, and I really see 386 being one of my best classes this semester. I like the prof, I'm used to the workings of the course and how it is set up. I'm used to her style, and I'm used to the ppl in it. It felt so good to relax into that familiar setting after such an unfamiliar day.

That familiar feeling did not last long though. I went to bookstore and figured out the whole return eng 327 books thing then headed to math 104. I keep calling it algebra, but it's pre-calc. When I realized this I freaked out and I didn't stop freaking out until half way through the class. See, Sam and I had mustered through math 090 together since I was placed into that class and he was placed into 080. I taught him everything I knew and when I didn't know something he would figure it out and teach me. The number 1 way we learn is through teaching others. So I learned that stuff very well. But here I was in Pre-Calc, not knowing if the prof I choose was a good one, or is I'd even survive this course, or just be completely lost the first day. I was preparing myself for the worst when a little old man walks in and begins teaching us. He's super kind and his syllabus suggests that he is a good teacher. There is extra credit offered, he has great office hours, he gave us his phone number (his cell phone number), he gives tests after each chapter to ensure we learned it and give us more points. homework isn;t collected but problems are given to help us practice, it is the ideal math class set up for the students to succeed. Then he starts going over stuff, and I get it all. I understand what he's saying. I know what he's doing. Granted it was a review, but for me to remember the stuff from 090 a year ago shocked me. I was very relieved and began to relax again.

After class I went to Bdubs and had the best time just hanging out and catching up with my old high school friends. I saw meg, alison, amanda, and met a few of their new frds who were all so nice! I had a great wrap (no chx of course), and shared nachos with everyone. I really needed that time of just being and not stressing about my crazy day. Alison offered good advice about trying to get credit for working through a coop, which Terrin had told me about earlier at Ruth's grad party, and everyone was so relaxed and chill. I could not have asked for a better ending to this crazy day. I was an emotional train reck. I mean, doug asked what I wanted to do for my 2 hour break and I said cry. I wanted to sit in a corner and cry for 2 hours over this scheduling conflict. I am still really upset about it b/c the whole thing is dumb. Since when do colleges offer a class to hold 18 students? I feel like this is unheard of.

Well, If you read this all, good for you! I'm so happy today is over with and tomorrow all I do is work and do homework, thursday I have work, class, advising app., then ice skating with my old friends, then friday Doug is taking me to his studio to listen to his band do the base line for his album! I was so excited that he wanted to take me there! Oh and he said I could come to his family movie nights :) He's such a cutie <3

rocky morning

last night i decided to try a new crock pot recipe, so I ran out the the store at midnight to get two cans of cream of mushroom soup. I put everything in the crock pot, turn it on low, then go to sleep. I set my alarm for 7am, so it wouldn't burn if I slept till 9. Well, it burned anyway, so now I'm stuck smelling burnt cheese and broccoli. So despite the stench, I had to put away my christmas decorations. I have everything put away but now my apt is a mess. I have some serious cleaning to do in the kitchen now (with the mess in the crock pot and all), the fish tank is ready to be cleaned again and I should do that before classes start, and my table has become my work station for bills. mess, mess, mess. and to top it all off I have to mail my sisters shirt that should have went with her christmas gift. So I have a busy day planned and of corse today I also have a graduation party and then Canada after that, so I really have no time to do all this. I'm overwhelmed with chores and see this getting pushed into tomorrow as well.

On the up side, I applied for a student assistant position in an office at school and I have recreated my resume and had my dad check it for errors, which were non-existent :) and I hope to apply for a field trip job that pays $20 an hour for 2 hours each field trip. I haven't received the information on that yet, but if both of these fail my friend's mom can put in a good word for me at the school's Mckinery Cafe. She knows the person in charge of hiring through her daughter's school, so that's my back up plan for winter. I really want the desk job though but so far all my options work well around schedules and such since they are all in association with my school (I think, I'm not positive about the field trips gig). So That's my life. I think I always get stressed out right before a new semester starts, so this is nothing new. I better go shower, get ready, take the tree back to trenton, mail Amanda's shirt, pick up my vacuum from kiki's, come back home and clean my stinky kitchen and the fish tank. It's 12:45, hopefully this can all happen before 6 when I'm expected at my frds grad party. Wish me luck! (I'm not sure I'm asking to wish me luck, I never understood why ppl wrote things like that in diaries, and now here I am asking the internet to wish me luck. I think I've gone crazy and joined the masses.)

napping dreams

I was so tired today after lunch so I curled up in bed with lady bug and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I dreamed about waking up and making my morning smoothie and coming to the bottom of the carton of Yopait low-fat strawberry yogurt. I saw my spoon hit the bottom, but then I left just enough for one more smoothie and put the carton back into the fridge. Then that dream must have ended b/c the next one I remember was me waking up and checking my phone to find a text message from mom saying that I should invite doug to go over Nana's and show him off to the family. So I called him and I woke up in real life talking like a drunken sailor to my comforter. I dozed back off and dreamt that I received a phone call from Nana asking if I could come down and help put away the bottom half of her tree (which she never put up this year). Again, I woke up in real life babbling to my empty room. Again I dozed off and had a final dream of taking Doug downriver to my dad's house only to find it empty. I called my dad and found out that he was at the cottage on the island, so Doug and I headed over there to meet him. I guess the meeting went fine because the next part I remember was my dad laughing and asking to take Doug out to eat. I woke up for the final time repeating, I guess he likes you Doug! When I found my phone, that I must have played with in my restless nap b/c it was inside my pillow case, and saw that I had been sleeping on and off for four hours. It was 5pm. I slept my day away! When I went to get some yogurt to eat I expected to find it almost empty like it had been in my dream, but it was near full, which through me off. Each one of my dreams seemed so real that the fact that my phone never dialed Doug, or revceived a call from Nana, or called Dad even through me off. Not to mention I never take naps, let alone a 4 hour nap. Now I'm refreshed and ready to start my day at 5pm.

Snowy nights

So it's been blizzarding for most of the day and the roads were really bad. I was afraid my little date night with Doug would be cancelled and I was partly right. His friends backed out b/c of the whether, but we still went. We saw It's Complicated and by the time the movie ended and we had gotten back to the car, the windshield was covered in ice. He didn't have a scraper so we sat in the dark car and talked. Then we made out the best make out I've ever had. His kisses make me feel like I'm floating. Oh and did I mention that during the movie he was holding my hand and rubbing it all the right ways. Idk how he knows everything I like, but he does. I mean, everything he does fits what I need at the time. The interlacing fingers, the holding my fist to warm up my fingers, playing with my ring, everything. He's perfect.

SIGN!

I had just put away the groceries and went to sit down and answer the 20 call from kiki and mom, and the TV is on a different channel than I left it. This scares me b/c I KNOW I watching TV before I left and it had been turned to channel 99 instead of input 1. input 1 is the channel that allows for the Dish cable to be shown. This has convinced me that someone was in my house and had turned the channel. This has changed my plans and I am going to sleep at kiki's. Now I will forever be fearful....

doors

When I left to get my hair done I rushed out of the door fast and thought, hey, maybe I didn't shut it all the way. So I returned to the door and made sure it was closed all the way and the knob was locked. When I returned some hours later it was open a few inches and the knob was still locked. I thought great, someone broke in, but hey, they did it without my key! Turns out no one was inside and nothing was stolen. So I did a test. I went to the store for about 30 minutes making certain the door was locked and shut all the way. I pushed on it and everything, it wasn't opening. I can back and the door was closed, good I thought, it was just a fluke or something strange. When I went to unlock it, the knob was already unlocked. The door just pushed open. Conclusion: Someone has my key. There are three copies of the key to my knowledge, my main one, a spare that is in my car, and the landlord's key incase I lock myself out. The landlord doesn't give the key to the tenant when they're locked out, they drive out to the apt, open the door themselves, then ask for $20 and a valid ID. There's no way someone who didn't work here could have gotten the key. I don't know what exactly is going on, but I feel like I need to stay here tonight to prove to myself that there is no one who wants to harm me, because there IS no one who wants to harm me. If I leave tonight and stay with my sister, or a frd, I'll always wonder. I won't feel any safer the next night or the next night if I don't prove tonight that there's nothing to be afraid of. My door knob is obvious messed up, when I first moved in I learned that if you slam the door hard enough the knob would lock, so that's the most rational answer. So, sorry mom, sorry Kristen, I probably shouldn't have told you guys because now you're just going to be freaked out, but I am staying here tonight, and I will be safe. I'll call you both in the am to verify.

CONGRATULATIONS!

Seriously, y is everyone saying congratulations about Doug and I being official? You'd think I'd accomplished something huge, like valedictorian of my class or something! In the words of Amanda, It's JUST a boyfriend! not a marriage, not a huge accomplishment, simply a boyfriend! I'm extremely happy about it, and so are a lot of ppl, but you guys should congratulate me on accomplishing immunity from Sam's BS, or on being happy and secure being single.

Not single anymore

That Gawd he asked me out, I was getting nervous that he didn't like me as much as I liked him! But he does : ) and now we're officially dating which is a huge relief to know that he's not seeing anyone else and I can stop talking to boys I have little interest in. As for the whole trust thing I wrote about last blog, I'm going to trust him and I'm going to trust myself to ensure that I stay closer to my girlfriends than him, no matter what happens. I won't let him create a barrier between me and my life like sam did. And I figure there's truth in the saying, it's better to have loved and to lost than to never have loved to begin with. It's definitely worth a chance and if I fall on my face instead of in love, than I know I can pick myself back up again.

SLEEP

I've been through a lot last year as I explained in an earlier blog, and throughout all of that, no matter what was going on, I always found myself sleeping soundly through the night. Whether I had cried myself to sleep or fell asleep at 5am, I would sleep sound for at least 6 hours. Last night I couldn't fall asleep even after reading 5 chapters of lost and found and listening to John Mayer and Colbie Cablet. I laid in bed from 11:30 to 4am literally just thinking. I could not turn my brain off. I'm scared of this whole Doug thing. He invited me over today, I'm leaving in 5 minutes, and it sounds like he's planning something special. I'm assuming this from him texting me to make sure I was coming then telling me not to come early, but be there at 11 on the dot. I didn't ask questions bc I need a little surprise in my life these days and I'm sure I'll like anything he does. But it's hard. I'm complicating things. He's been so patient with me, steering the conversations away from talk of relationships, not pressuring me to make up my mind like Tim did. I know I'm ready for another relationship. I'm not drained anymore like I was after Sam and I split up. I am whole again and I have love to give to another human being. I just don't know if I'm ready to trust someone again. I know this is prolly way down the line, but I don't want my boyfriend to ever become my best friend again. It's hard enough to loose someone you were planning on forever with, but to add the one person who has known you since you were 14 and knows everything about you is too much. What if that happens again? What if Doug becomes someone I want to marry and in an effort to do that I become so close with him that I forget my other friends? I g/g I'm gonna be late.

Life after a four yr relationship

Today, like many days, I had zero human interaction. Ppl don't understand what that's like. The closest I came to a real conversation was a phone call from my sister about a tv show and the guy at the gym saying have a nice workout. I left the apt twice, once to go to the bank and then the gym and the second time just to simply go somewhere. It continues to suck without my old frds who have left with him and I can't seem to find a new best friend who I can count on to always be there for days like these when I need to just go over someones house and have a snowball fight or something other than watching tv or cleaning things that are not even dirty. Even lady is distancing herself from me, she no longer snuggles up to me at night. She prefers to sleep on the total opposite side of the bed all night and when I pick her up and try to force her to cuddle she leaves as soon as she's able. I'm like an outcast from an astranged Indian trib. The chief has choosen to not cosider me part of his life and so the rest of the trib tends to follow. I call my friends and they either have something else going on or are sick. I was so excited when Ersida called me thinking she had time to hang out and catch up, but all she wanted was a favor from me. My other little hasn't spoken to me in months, my big just got back in town but is always with her bf, my best friend in the sorority is always working and tonight she was out with other friends that idk, other sisters were sick, some were out with ppl they knew from HS, and I was left alone all day. I kept busy by doing my nails, relaxing, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and I started to reread a book titled lost and found. I thought it was fitting for my situation. I just can't stress how crappy it is that I had no other true friends besides mutual frds with Sam and how even more crappy it is that they don't want anything to do with me after the break up. So i guess they werent even true friends. Granted they aren't hanging out with him all the time either, but that doesn't make it less sucky for me. I feel like my life schedule is so mixed up. I know God has a plan and all but from my limited perspective I would have had real best friend enter at age 18, Sam enter at age 21, and future hubby enter at age 22/23. I feel like that would have made for the most joy from life. Too bad life isn't about joy. Ppl say it's about challenges, but I think my life is more about irony of how perfect it could have been if such an order of events had existed. None of this changes the fact that I'm extremely lonely tonight. It's 2 am and all I want is for this day to be over but of course, that woukd give me too much joy. I can't fall asleep. I've been trying since 12:30. This day is going to last forever.

immunity

I started 2010 off feeling like crap! I was achy, I could not stop sneezing long enough to catch my breath, my glands were huge, and my throat was so scratchy. I thought for sure I had what Doug had the night before, but I was determined to continue my sick-free streak of almost a year now. So I upped my vitamin C dose to 1,000 mg, ate a banana, yogurt, eggs, and yogi throat tea. I drank three pitchers of brita water, then I covered up on the couch and watched TV. I was feeling a little bit better in about an hour, so I decided I would try to go grocery shopping. As soon as I walked outside I felt bad again, but I still went. and this is what I learned; When you go grocery shopping when you feel like crap you only want to get healthy foods. So that worked out. Anyway, by the time I was home again I ate lunch and felt 100% better. I felt so good that I wanted to go to the gym. So I did, and although I took it easy b/c I was afraid if I over did it would have a relapse, I did manage to run my mile doing intervals of 3.5, 5.5, and 6.5. So that was good. and now I'm back home relaxing and admiring my immune system. I fought off a cold in less than 24 hours. That's pretty impressive if you take into account that I used to get sick on average 4/5 times a semester no matter what I did. Tomorrow I am going to wake up early for the first time this break and get back into my morning workouts b/c I really think that's a huge part of my immune system being so strong. That and the daily 500 mg of vitamin C I try to remember to take.