From the dog

I strive to be the best I can be so that my master might have a better life because of me. Today I was sitting in nana's kitchen between these three wonderful women from three completely different times and I thought "They gave me to the youngest because she needs me the most." Last night we went for what I thought was just a car ride, but it turns out we drove all the way to nana's. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the new smells, the feel of where my master goes after leaving the apartment, the wind from the wholes in the front of the car (I think they call them vents but I don't understand what the word vent has to do with blowing air into ones hair), and the unsteadiness of the route as we swerve in and out of traffic. Of course there's also the slight chance my master might pick up lilly and give me the perfect opportunity to sneak onto her lap where all of these things are multiplied! As we go along my master keeps looking at me, checking in with how I'm responding to this sudden change of plans, as I could sense her energy level dropping and night getting deeper around us just before we took this adventure. I smile and make funny faces at her when our eyes catch and she always smiles and laughs back at me. It makes me feel good to see her smile even when she is so tense. In the morning, as I sat there and pondered why I had been sent to live with the youngest of these three women who would have such changes in her life is isn't sure what she wants out of it yet I realized, she needs me the most. She needs someone who will be there for her without asking questions or analyzing what's happening. She needs someone to support her every decision and just believe in her that she would make the right one. I don't question and I don't evaluate her, I love her, I support her, I go with her when she needs to de-stress in her car, I aid in her relaxation by not saying a word, and I lay by her so that she will feel warmth when her heart feels like stone. I will tolerate the boys she gives her heart to because some of them smell pretty good. But when that boy leaves her, I'll be there. I see how she lives her life, I smell the good she brings to others, I sense the bounce in her step and the drag in her heart, and I am there for her. These older women have things figured out that my master is still just encountering. The uncertain one is the one who needs a dog like me.

So I will make a funny face at her when tears are not far, I will do my best to mend the mess and heal her battle scars. I will fight to protect, and always inspect, these people who move through our lives. And when she needs a speechless friend to listen, I will pretend to comprehend, like my other master kristen, and I will not forget my mission here on planet Earth. For, I will love you, I will support you, I will serve you, my master since birth.

girls and my success :)

girls are so freaking emotional! Lets face it, human beings are emotional. The difference between women and men is that men can have emotions and then make the best decision regardless of how they feel. Women on the other hand let their emotions steer their lives. It's like you say, this is the best option, and everyone agrees. Then a man would do that no matter how he felt about it, it's the best thing to do, it benefits the most ppl, so he'll do. a woman would look at the same situation and think "although it benefits everyone the most, they said this and I'm mad at her for something that doesn't effect this situation at all, but bc of it I'm not doing this bc my feelings are hurt from a miscommunication in a different situation." It is driving me nuts! Yes, I am a women, but I choose to take a step back and look at every situation on the surface and keep the bigger picture in mind. I've been hurt bc of miscommunications many times before and I've gotten over it once I learned it was a miscommunication. These women I'm dealing with are realizing that what I'm proposing is a good idea, BUT this, and BUT that and most of what they come up with is a lie anyway just bc they don't want to do something that benefits someone they are mad at even if it benefits them a lot more. I'm about to say forget it! Good luck in the future that you don't have a plan for and I'll be living with my guy friend while I pursue my three jobs in my last year of college and then I'll be moving out of this god forsaken state to fulfill my calling as a teacher in a better environment. where will you be?

And families need to believe in each other NO MATTER WHAT! I know that the economy is down, I know that it is hard to make a living, I know that I'm used to an expensive lifestyle. I know all of these things that bring me down when I think about my future, but I have a plan for myself and I have never not accomplished what I set out to do. You won't see me set out to have a room mate, and then go without one. Not gonna happen. You're not going to witness me graduate and then not find a job either. I'm going to find a job and it's going to be in a better place then MI. I'm going to do this whether you believe me or not, but if you're someone important in my life, I don't care what you think is going to happen, u better tell me that I will achieve my goals and that u believe in me. I don't need another thing pulling me down.

You know what? If you don't believe in me, just keep it to yourself. There's no reason to bombard me with your negativity when I'm doing good.

OH RECAP ON MY LIFE: I will be working at kickers in canton (or some place like it) on the weekend night, I will hopefully get the MHS part-time job that is tuesday/thursday all day and then one day on the weekend, and I will still have a few hours at the ECEC (or my frds mom's school as a breaker). I will be taking calc in the summer, and I will be taking at least one class in the second summer semester. Then fall will be 4 classes and winter will be my last semester ever with 4/5 classes. I will then graduate and I will have enough money saved up to move me to where ever I get hired (NC or CA). I'll move there, start my little life as a teacher, and go from there. That's what's happening, jump on board and believe it, or get off and don't let me know :)

what i want want want

doesn't have to be what u want want want.

I have been an emotional reck this past week. Not only have I been going through greek week which is stressful on its own, I have been trying to get a job and I have pinpointed my reasons for missing doug in my life. It's not doug, and its not sam. My depression was coming from a completely different source and now that I know what was causing it, I am making steps to fix it. Of course this requires work from all parties involved, and yes, it includes several people, but where there's a will there's a way and there is a STRONG will in this situation. I just got back from talking to my dad, ACTUALLY talking to him :O it's a new concept I'm trying to implement into my life haha. Anyways, he makes me feel so much better about everything. He lays out the facts of my life and reassures me that I have good solid plans for my future. He didn't actually say it, but from his tone and some of the things he said, I could tell he was proud of me for being who I am today. It's been such a long time since I've felt supported by someone other than my sorority sisters to do the things that I want and it felt so good to hear his approval and encouragement tonight. It was exactly what I needed to help de-stress from this God awful week.

Also I want to note that I'm lucky to have frds who care so much for me. My frd is willing to go above and beyond what other ppl in my life should be willing to do for me but aren't at the time being. He offered to move in with me and he seriously started looking for places and let me know that he understands the need to have someone to say good night to at the end of the day. He understood that I missed having someone to watch TV with. It felt good to have that friendship kind of unveil itself today and I although I think the person who needs to step up will, causing me to no longer need a roomie, I won't forget how selfless and kind he has been to me. The world could use a few more ppl like him and if he ever opens up and let me know that he needs anything from me, I hope that I can show him the same kindness that he has shown me. I'm glad I met him <3

SIDE NOTE; one of Sam's fraternity brother's was very out of line last night while talking to me. SO today I asked Sam (via text) if he could clarify that I'm not a whore for his brothers since I'm sure he was the one who gave them this idea in the first place. Sam agreed and apologized repeatedly for his brother's behavior and what was so strange about this was he guessed who it was. Before that another PSP guy told me I was too pretty to be off the market from men for a year and Doug was able to guess who that was. I didn't think I was THAT oblivious to things, but apparently I am bc they both could see these boys had a thing for me while I was completely blind sided. I wanted to note that Sam was acting very protective of me when he found out, that also was nice to know that he was there for me too in a lesser way than before.

I have such great friends in my life, but I need that underlying foundation if I want to be complete. So that's what I'm doing, I'm fixing the holes in my foundation one brick at a time. trust me, easier said than done.

Back to basics

Today I'm starting to feel like my life is back to normal. I did my practicum in the morning, then went to work until five. When I got home from that I took lady bugger for a walk to the mailbox and then to get pizza from Jets. She was really good while we waited for the pizza, everyone loved her! Then I came home and ate dinner with my baby girl and watched Icarly, which has a very good message for a young audience.

Anyway I feel like I should state that I am doing a single challenge for a year. I will will be single for 365 days and nights. I also want to note that I got a fb message from a phi sig who will remain unidentified that said I was, and I quote, "wayyyy too cute to be off the market from us men." HAHA I love the PSP boys (and no, this psp was not sam, doug, brian, or any of my other closer frds in this fraternity).

Doug

Doug was a short but wonderful chapter in my life. He was everything I needed to help me see that there is potential in men to be what I need them to be. He turned out to be a little shaddy, and I'm still not 100% positive he's been completely honest with me, but that just mean I need to add some things to PNM's list. I didn't learn too much from this relationship like I learned from Sam, but I did learn that I am a good person who has her head on straighter than most adults. This relationship was pretty much a confidence booster bc all of the aspects Sam tore apart and hated about me, Doug loved and embraced. I now know that I'm not crazy and I do handle arguments in a mature manner that is productive. I am not annoying when I ask to be texted when my bf gets home from leaving me at 2am in bad weather. I'm not a bad person bc I expect my bf to be there for me when I need him. Doug taught me a lot about myself as I am now, but he also taught me a lot about who I want to be as a mother, or rather who I don't want to be as a mother. But no matter how well suited we were for each other, the fact of the matter is I need someone who is willing to stick up for me (I believe that's already a requirement). Doug failed at that one aspect of a relationship where a boy is supposed to tell his family to go screw themselves when they tell him who he can a cannot date and how he is supposed to date them. That was his one major flaw and that is why we are no longer together. It just sucks bc we weren't ready for it to be over, I was still having fun in my honey moon phase.

PS. When he told me we had to break up, and I replied "that sucks, I really liked u." And he responded with watery eyes, "yeah, I was in love with u." Just thought that needed to be somewhere in here for later reflection.

solution

I am forgetting all his mistakes from last night and pretending like the night ended after the crush party (b4 he deleted his text messages and what not). I went to bed and dreamed of how he used to be (ya know, perfect), and now it's up to him to show me that he's still my boo and not my bear. He knows this and I know he can do it, he know what he did wrong and I pray he knows how to not do it again bc next time, I might not be in such a generous mood.

Switching gears it's really pushing my buttons that he and I were both on fb and I was about to chat him but though, lets let him step up and show me that he wants to talk to me. I sat here for a few minutes and he didn't chat me. This is why I think I want to get rid of fb bc it just pisses me off when ppl suck at using it. He never writes on my wall, some ppl are totally fake on there, and ppl misread into things posted way too often. It's not fb's fault, it's these ugly ppl here who make it into this drama feeding network. UGH, W/E! I'm going shopping with my girls and I'm venting to them the rest of the night. Hopefully that will make me feel better b/c dancing my butt off today didn't really do much for my bad mood and Lord knows I can't count on Doug to change it around! He's consistently making it worse lately.

I pray that he calls me tonight or makes some effort to talk to me and show me that he cares about me. He usually comes over saturday nights so, we will see my dears. we will see.

BEAR

They drive me crazy. Even the good ones. He had a blue bracelet, I had a purple one. When he got out of my car he left his by mine and the whole ride home I kept looking at it, thinking. the night was bad for me.... It started out fine. Then I went to see if he had saved a pic of me that I had sent him and he freaked out and deleted ALL HIS TEXT MESSAGES! *mistake #1* He was hiding something from me and he swore up and down that it was just an argument with his mom he didn't want me to see but I knew there was more. Later I learned his mom had called me a bitch bc she doesn't approve of doug and I. Doug told me he stood up for me and things got uglier bc he didn't want her calling me names. It's just eating me up that I can't know for sure what exactly was said and who he might have been texting other than his mother. I want to trust him but boys who delete texts so their gfs can't read them are not trustworthy.... I made a mistake letting him in my life and now I'm making a mistake by letting it get to me. ALSO tonight his ex was at the party, GO FIGURE. they hug and she asks if he wants to smoke with her and he says yeah for old time sake. *mistake #2* WRONG ANSWER BOO. especially since u told me what u like to do when u smoke. not making me happy. BUT WORSE. I'm outside bc I just don't know what the heck is going on with him and he comes out to talk to me and is a totally different person. He says he hates her and called her a bitch and that he'd never smoke with her. *mistake #3* totally two faced. 3 strikes, he should be out, but he's not. what am I doing? I let him into my life and he is usually perfect but tonight he was far from it and it sucks bc now I'm left staring at our bracelets that have somehow managed to stay overlapped despite the fact that their owners are so distant from one another. We are on two completely different planes. He is understanding what I want from him and he's giving me what he thinks a girl would want to have. I understand that he's trying to protect me and make me happy by not showing that his mom thinks I'm a bitch or let me know that he wants to smoke with brandi (who by the way is a complete and utter slut, so no competition there). But by doing this he doesn't see that he is acting like sam circa '09 and forgetting that I"m not like other girls. I'm not going to break down bc one person in this world called me a bitch. Im not going to freak out if he wants to smoke with brandi. I'm not going to act like any other girl he might know, I'm going to act like me. I'm more mature (even though he thinks Chloe is) than any other girl he knows. I'm above the whole calling names and trying to split up couples thing. I can handle it and he needs to let me handle it or I'm going to have to cut him loose.

As for his mother. I'm not going to bash her bc I really don't need to, but I am going to say this; any adult who calls a 20 yr old girl who has done nothing but make her son happy a bitch is extremely pathetic. It's called being an adult, it allows you to be able to handle situations better than 12 yr olds can. Although I don't care what someone of this mind set thinks of me, I have decided to try to make things work between her and I bc it would hurt Doug if we didn't get along. Unlike the 'adult' in this situation, I am going to talk to her one on one and get everything out in the open and discuss ways we can get around whatever things she has against me.

My family might not be perfect, but they would never call names or make judgements based on what they think they know about someone I'm involved with. I'm glad I came from a more respectable household than that.

generous heart? not here...

Angela, from BONES of course, puts it best when she expresses that she's afraid that she doesn't have a generous heart anymore. I feel like I'm at that stage in my life where I second guess everyone who opens up to me and I hardly ever open up to anyone else. I have been through a lot, and I have been burned by ppl who were really close to me. Girls in my sorority have stabbed me in the back and that was the one place I was told I go for support in any decision I was making. I think that really messed me up bc I could def handle Sam, I could handle being alone all the time, but I can't wrap my mind around my sorority sister deliberately hurting me and having nothing to say to my face afterwards. Tonight's meeting was a sob fest of older girls showing us how much they have grown to depend on the sorority and I was like that too. I depended on my sisters to be there for me when all hell broke loose and at the FIRST sign of trouble I get burned. The instance I'm talking about is just with one girl in particular, although there have been others over time, but this girl was one I looked up to coming into greek life. We had a discussion about life once for a stupid ice breaker but I remember everything she told me. I told her that she was my role model and that I looked up to her. She knew how I felt about her and although we weren't very close, she should not have done what she did.

Long story short I have drawn back from the sorority and I miss it. I miss being excited about everything and being able to look at someone who knows what I'm thinking bc of a previous conversation and laugh. I have closed myself off to them and probably a lot of other ppl too. I mean seriously, if I see a girl crying, I run the other way bc I don't want to get my heart involved in anything. I don't have that generous heart that once loved Sam and all of my sisters anymore and I'm not sure I can bare to have it back. Idk if I'm strong enough to put myself out there and open up to some of these wonderful women. I'm just not sure. I'm in this weird phase of not knowing who I should let into my life and who I close out. I fixed my love life but I forgot that my social life is a little fake now.... speaking of fake.... I feel like my relationship with doug is fake too but that's a different blog for a different day and keep in mind that I'm sick right now and this could just be the cold talking.

SSSIIIIiiiiiiIICCCCcccccKKKKKKKkkkkk!!

Yesterday I had an itchy throat. So of course I scratched it. At night it was hurting but I assumed it was just sore from my scratching it so I stopped scratching it and it continued to hurt worse. The I felt heat across my sinus area so I knew I was getting sick. This morning my throat is almost unbearable and my nose is so runny :( I'm achy all over and my head won't stop pounding. I called around for subs but of course only one person actually answered and she was like "well it's 8 now and I live 20 minutes away so after I get ready it'll be around 10." Seriously women? It takes u and hour and a half just to shower and get ready for work? They're kids, you don't need look ur best! But I had to go with her anyway bc she was the only person. I called Tammy and I guess they really need ppl.... I feel so bad bc I want to go in and work but I can't and if I did force myself to go in, I could get other ppl, and kids that I adore, sick. I have to finish my pp that's due at 6 but I can't focus on anything except my body wanting to rest and recover from this. I'm not going to the doctors only bc I hate how anti-bioctics makes me feel and that's really all they could give me since I have decongestives here.I think I'll sleep a little longer and finish my pp before my practicum.... I need to go to that bc I missed 2 days already with SB but the kids are bigger and I'll keep my distance from them. At the preschool they all want to sit on my lap and hug me and what not.

PIE DAY!

Just occurred to me that today is pie day, which means it *was* also the day Sam got the balls to ask me out 4 years ago. It's nice to not have to worry about that though, our last anniversary was a disaster bc he was out with his frds when I wanted to make dinner together and it was just awful. But I learned that the next guy I celebrate a 3 year anniversary with will be willing to put me above his friends on special days like that. HUMM, that reminds me of DOUG! HA! This irony is seriously killing me and I hope you guys see it too. I'm not sure if I wrote about the birthday thing and doug and his ex gf's graduation party on my birthday whole situation thing, but when I asked doug if he thought going to her graduation was a higher priority then being with me on my birthday, he said not at all and that he'll be with me that day if I wanted him to be. SO CUTE and SO exactly what I need right now. So yeah, 4 year anniversary, NOPE! Just pie day guys, nothing else!

Happy PIE DAY!

hum, cheating? me? naw!

So I've had to keep my where abouts the last three nights a secret from Doug for reasons beyond my control, so I understand that that secret makes a mind wander. I personally wouldn't be ok with not knowing where he was, but he seemed fine with it when I explained to him and that was that. Well, someone (an unknown 313 number) texted doug and said your gf cheated on u last night or something along those lines. So I wake up to a text from Doug asking me to explain. I called him and realized that he's not ok with not knowing where I am those three nights and that he kind of believed that text. So I told him where'd I had been and where I will be a few other nights that were supposed to stay secret and he understood why I hadn't told him to begin with. I told him that I wasn't cheating on him, but I'm not sure he believed it..... I just don't like how ppl try to get innocent ppl hurt. This is a definite social flaw that needs to fixed asap. Unfortunately we cannot control anyone other than ourselves so I will have to deal with it. I just hope Doug stops this second guessing thing he's doing with me. I'm one of those brutally honest ppl, granted not as brutal as he is, but still, I'll give true facts and I don't hide things when I'm in a relationship. He needs to understand that and I think he will. It's just hard bc I've been so busy this week that we haven't had the chance to see each other.

From my phone

I haven't blogged from my phone in a long time but I'm sitting in panera taking time to relax my body and mind to some jazz thinking about how I would sum up my life. I think it would go something like this;
Stephanie pentiuk is a single (as in not married doug!) 20 yr old girl who lives the life of a full grown adult, aside from being able to get into bars after 9. Her one strong bond with another life is with her dog who she has cared for over 10 yrs, or rather half of her life. She represents the values of delta phi epsilon on a day to day basis whether she's at u of m Dearborn studying education of elementary students or volunteering at the Westland Michigan humane society. Holdin the position of alum coordinator in her sorority, Stephanie organizes events for 100 alum monthly since July 2090. Over her past years studying in her program she has completes two practicums (one that hired her after completion of the 45 required hrs), taught various lessons in 3 different elementary school, and held an internship for a semester teaching an after school math program at mac arthur academy. She currently holds a job at a preschool in Dearborn working with ages 2-4. Stephanie values people over money and that's what makes her so loveable.

The end.

feels like the crowd is saying give me more!

Since I have gotten back in MI, my life has pretty much been non stop running around. Right now I am emercing myself is precalc since I failed to study over break and I have a test tomorrow. But this has made me realize how incredibly amazing I am, body and mind. Despite the crazy running around, poor eating habits, and no gym time, I lost 5lbs since I have returned from SB. I have managed to organize an alum dinner and a fundraiser and made huge dents in planning the big alum luncheon in may. I have stayed on top of my studies, I nailed my midterm that I hardly studied for, and I had time to get a chiro adjustment. This is all in 4 days ppl. The thing I'm really proud of myself for lately, is understand ch. 2 for precalc. I managed to do problems from every section (that's 8 sets of 70-100 problems) in two days and understand the material. I'm going to do really good on this test bc I'm incredible like that. I can envision an A+ being handed back to me. I can feel my hand writing down the correct answers as fast as it can go. I can taste the satisfaction of turning in an A+ paper. So it will happen. That's the secret ya know ;)

Cali

I'm pretty sure this is where I"m going to live. I am going to get a wonderful teaching career in california and pursue a side career as a chief. That's really all.

In my next thirty years

This upcoming school year will be my last year of college and as such I am thinking about after college. Here's the plan. I need to start colunary arts school asap so I can start it this summer. I will hopefully get both degrees at the same time, colunary arts degree and education BS. A semester before I graduate I will begin appling to schools to get a teaching job. This will be first to new elementary schools in CA that need teachers, then to the older ones in CA, then places like Arizona, North and South Carolinas, and Michigan as a last resort. For the record I'm going to say that I am offered a teaching job somewhere in CA. This means that I will move out to CA. I need to start saving up for this move bc I most likely will be moving out of state and since I want to be a cheif at a major restaurant I should get my foot in the door in the restaurant industry. SO back up to now, where I apply for waitressing at classy establishments such as the DAC Grill.

Fast forward to a few years down the road, I have both degrees, I've been offered a great teaching job in CA, and am now moving to CA with my dog and my car. I will need to find a roomate or two, but once living quarters are out of the way I want to spend the next few years getting settled into my career and probably cooking at a nice restaurant on the weekends for extra cash. This is as far as I can go into my future without a second person being present. If I don't find someone suitable to marry by this time, I will most likely want to do something with my colunary skills, such as start a catering business for major events in the summer suring my time off. So then I would be a teacher and a cheif a few weekends during the school year and a caterer and cheif in the summer. Then when I am ready to care for children I will adopt. If that second person steps in my life and I want to take a chance and marry him, then everything will stay the same except the children will be ours instead of adopted.

Then when my IRA matures and I'm 65 and 1/2 or whatever age it is, the children will be grown, and I can move anywhere in the world to retire to. THE END :)

MHS

The MHS trained me to do two more jobs today. One is pretty cool. I give each cat at the center a folder that I've been putting together for the first few weeks. I fill out the info, make out 'cage cards' that ppl read, and then I get to go put the collars on the kitties! Today I did two 4 month old kittens and they were SO cute and nice. The second job is more professional. I go on the data base and look up volunteers who haven't been updating their hours for the petsmart offsite position. Then I go down the list and look at each profile individually and check them out. Then I call them and talk to them about getting more involved or give them directions for the online time sheets and hour log, or put them on the list to be trained, basically do what I can to get them back into volunteering at petsmart. I also donated what was left from Darma to the center for the the little critters. Now I'm finishing up packing right on schedule and then waiting for doug to stop by for a little bit before I drive down to my grandma's for the night. By night, I mean to drop lady off and sleep for about 4 hours before Nana takes us all to the airport so we can board our plane to San Diego, CA!!!!! I'm so excited! But I'm nervous leaving my laptop behind since I have so much homework to do. I'm bringing a flash disk and using Amanda's computer bc I can't fit this into my bags safely.... It'll be ok though, it's just school :P

lying vs leaving out IMP facts

So Doug told me he was going get highlights today. He told me it would be before his presentation. What he didn't tell me was Jessica Matthews was doing it for him. I don't care that she did it, I care that he didn't tell me she was going to do it. I think this bothers me bc Jenya walked by today and asked if I had seen him yet and that Jessica said they looked good. So I texted him and told him that word on street has it he looks pretty good with highlights. He asked who said that and I told him the Jessica told Jenya that. Perfect opportunity to say well she's the one who did them, or it was her handy work, or yeah she did a good job on me, something that indicates that he's not hiding it from me.

I get fb tonight and Jessica Matthews chats me and says I should have been there bc she washed his hair or something idk all I'm paying attention to is the fact that he didn't want me to know that he was going to have jessica do his hair. This is the dumbest thing ever, they're frds. Why wouldn't he say she was going to do it for him? I feel like that's an important piece of information. He does this a lot I'm realizing and I don't like it. I love that he's honest with me but is this really being honest? It just sounds like lying to me. We're going to have to talk about this the day before I leave for California but you know what? If he can't promise to tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth from this day forward (OK, a little exaggerated) then pish. I'm back to square one and I'll have to make another requirement list.

I'm glad he likes his hair though. I hope I do too :)

UMMM yeah just found out why he was busy tonight. He's going over Abee's house with a bunch of ppl including Jessica Matthews... AGAIN why is he hiding this from me? This is like holding a match to a burn victim.

boys and my birthdays....

So I usually have a wonderful time on my birthday no matter what age I'm turning, but this year it's my 21st. I am getting a party bus Friday the 18th of June and I'm wearing a pink dress. All my guests must pay up front and wear a color other than pink :) We are going to begin the evening around 11 with a champaign toast to a beautiful 21 years of life then driving around to clubs and bars. I haven't planned the exact places yet but I'm thinking I want the classier bars in AA my sister told me about. Anyway! The boy will most likely come on the bus with me and my frds BUT, and this is a HUGE BUT, on my birthday, Saturday the 19th of June, he will be with his EX g/f chloe at her graduation party, as in graduation from HS. You know, the g/f he dedicated a song on his album to which is titled something like "i love you too babe." This doesn't make me happy, but I have to accept it. I know that I personally would never go to my ex b/f's anything over Doug's birthday day..... I guess we didn't really have plans that day but as a b/f I expect that he'd want to woo me that day somehow and there no way I'm going be wooed by him if he's with her. My instinct is saying trust him and don't think about it, but reality is saying she's a 17 yr old girl who used to be in love with him and since they haven't been that close as far as I know I'm just a little confused when looking at the details that surround this. It's my birthday and he's not only not going to see me, but he's going to be with another girl celebrating something of hers instead of something of mine. IDK man, I'm kind of tired of bf thinking I don't expect anything from them on my actual birthday. My last birthday Sam gave me a promise ring and forgot to make the promise.... seriously? it's just a ring if you do that and I can buy myself a better looking ring that means more to me. I'm just going to continue with my plans bc on my actual birthday night I'm going to reserve a booth at this nice club in Dbo I think for all my 21 and upper frds. Doug couldn't go anyway. Hopefully that day between me waking up and night time goes by ok bc I can just see me getting really upset from thinking about this too much while I sit alone in my apt on my birthday. ugh.... this is no good.... it's my birthday!

on a brighter note, this boy is seriously my other half. He wants to take me to the Oasis Hot tub gardens in AA. I've only been twice, once with Sam and I had to plan it all a pay for it and make sure he packed everything he needed... blah blah blah.... Doug is going to pretty much do it all and guess what? He can pack himself :O I know, it's amazing but I'm pretty sure he's good with that. It's so nice to have a bf who likes to do fun things! last night he took me to the hookah bar and we shared a smoothie, how cute is that? And he says the cutest things and he started touching me more, that sounds bad..... he started touching my face and putting his arm around me when we're out and that kind of touching. I'm glad that this is getting better with time and not worse like it usually does.Our relationship is like wine in that sense :) did I mention I wanted to spend sunday the 20th of June drinking wine and snuggling with Doug? We'll see if that happens or if I even still feel like drinking after two nights of actually drinking legally :X or if I'll want to snuggle with his after spending my birthday alone without him knowing he's with her. I used to love the name Chloe..... I wanted to name my kid Chloe, now this girl has kind of ruined that for me.

BONES

I love this show. It is stimulating in every way a television show can be. I just watched 3 episodes and had to really force myself not to watch the other 2 just yet, I must ration so I don't have to endure a dry spell again. Anyway, none of my frds are into this show so I'm going to talk about it on here. Angela and hodgens were engaged but then broke up. Her father tracked down hodgens, knocked him out, and put a huge tattoo of Angela's face and name on his arm. He was left in the middle of a desert to wake up to find this new piece of art and I thought it was brilliant. I've always wondered what I would do if someone ever hurt me. With Sam it was change living quarters and rejoice in my new single aura, but what if someone cheated on me or broke my heart before I was ready for the relationship to end? Now I know. It's not violent, or even really permanent since tattoos can be removed by very costly and painful procedure that often leaves deep scaring or the tissue affected, but it does the job sending the message of this person has hurt someone and bc of that he was once a bad person. It's fitting too, with the tattoo being a metaphor of being tattooed on one's heart forever and the scaring after removal like the scaring he left behind when he metaphorically removed himself from my heart. I can't think of anything better, or that matter funnier. I was cracking up when hodgens opened his eyes all alone in the desert to find the tattoo! So yeah, in short, it's good show.

It does put me in a very analytical mood though. I talked to Doug after watching an episode and he asked is he should be thinking of a way of revenge in case I ever cheated on him and I expressed that it would be the only logical thing to do since we determined that we *could* cheat on each other especially while away from one another. And I talked to him about the living with a guy thing which he didn't like at all but said he needed to think about where he stood on the matter. I kind of liked to see the jealous side of him for a change, it showed me that he does care about me and that's why we are in a monogamous relationship despite the historic human nature of depending on more than one partner to satisfy our needs. Dr. Brennan (aka BONES) says that human beings are not a monogamous species and that's her basis of why she could never get married. That and the fact that we could never tell how we will feel about someone in the future scientifically. GAWD i love this show! HAHA she was in a bridal dress store with Booth (the attractive angel actor) during an investigation and of course the owner thought they were tying the knot so she holds up a white vail to Bones and says this works well with your face shape and Bones replies, "Well that implies virginity and I have been sexually active for quite some time now." HAHAHA I love it. I love bones, I love booth, I love the show. And I hope I didn't scare Doug. I didn't mean that I might cheat on him, just that if it were me I would like to have a plan to release some vengeance in a healthy way in case that happens in this relationship or any other relationship he might have down the road. I did make it clear that if he isn't ok with the living with a boy and we are still together that I could change what I wanted and therefore change the arrangements all together. Now I kind of feel bad about that though bc if I know I can live with this boy without any sexual or romantic tension then I would most likely do it regardless unless of course I saw potential in Doug as a future husband and father of my children. It is way to early to even hypothesis if I could feel that way about him by August though, so I guess what I told him was partly true. I don't think I'd stay with someone again if I didn't feel something along those lines........ he would be a good father though, JUST SAYING!

Living arrangments

I decided that living on my own is really depressing. I come home to lady who's real excited to see me, but I miss the language of someone saying "hey you're home! I missed u!" or something along those lines. Also, I used to love the fact that if I didn't come home no one would worry, but now I hate it. If I don't come home at night someone should be concerned about my whereabouts. It's just not normal..... SO I've been keeping my eyes pen for a roomie in August when my lease is up. Girl wise there's Dani who lives in the upper flat of a house in detroit right across warren from school. There's Adrianna, but I think she's pretty much set in AP with her sister and I'm not sure if they even need another renter or fit an extra renter in that house. Then there are the newbies who want to move out of their parents, could probably do it if they wanted it, but probably won't be ready by August. Then there are the boys. I know a lot of boys who are living on their own or with a roomie right now, but I have my eye on this one boy. I've known him for a few years now and we're pretty close now. He lives on his own right now with another couple in a house but is looking to move out at the end of summer. I haven't even proposed this to anyone yet bc it is unorthodox fo sho! BUT I could see myself sharing a living space with him.I feel like it would be easier, I know boys are messier, but he pretty much always eats fast food, he would always compliment me and be fun to be around, he wouldn't get crabby once a month, and who better to have in the next room when there's a spider or a bad dream then a boy? Plus, I hear from a pretty sound source that you never want to live with your best frd bc it always ends bad. AND when two girls live together or even spend a lot of time together, they start to have the same cycle which would be horrible! We'd be at each other's throats all week! Plus they might be neater then I am or have different styles, a boy would just go with the flow and accept my style and add his to it if anything. Then there's the whole she's prettier then me factor I would most likely fall into at some point in the arrangement. With a boy I could help him dress, he could maybe help me, but mostly he wouldn't threaten my view of myself. I think it's a good idea, the only problem is the boy I want to live with won't live with his romantic partner b4 he's married, but since we're not in anyway romantically involved there's a chance. I'm just crossing my fingers yet, I just know I want a boy and not a girl to come home to at the end of a long day. I have until August to find a roomie and I know you don't always get what u want so if I can only get a girl, that's fine and I'll do my best to make it work.

It's going to be difficult explaining this to Doug if we're still together, but if anyone would be flexible enough to accept this it's him. He's so amazing in that area of giving me my freedom to do whatever I want. I will never date a clingy or jealous boy again. They are no good for anyone.