Omg

Just got a message from my semi date telling me that *Ryan* told him that if he had sex with me at semi, to make sure I call him Sam. WTF!?!?!?! This creeps me out on so many levels! Since when have I ever had sex with anyone I haven't known for four years? And when have I ever has sex at semi? NEVER! that's when. Gawd and y does he want me to pretend like I'm having sex with him?!??!? This creeps me out the most!!!!! Been there. Done that. Don't want to do it again! I'm seriously freaking out about this. I can handle rumors he starts, or him giving his permission to his brothers to date me as if I were his freaking possession but seriously this is too much. Now my date might back out bc Sam is obviously not ok with this and if it wasn't going to be awkward before now it def will. Seriously.....fml. I can not believe this person used to be good.

I'm nervous

Semi is this Saturday! The cf ball is this Thursday! I have yet to actually hang out with my semi date without Sam hanging out with us so I'm pretty sure it's gonna be awkward. As for the cf ball, I have to get my sis to stop by the apt for lady that day bc I will have to go from work to fairlane and get ready in the bathroom. And the guy I invited prolly forgot about it. I need a couple more classes for winter. And hey guess what? I'm closer to graduating than I thought! Like seriously, when did this happen? I have like one more year left student teaching and all. Then what do I do? Get a job? Teaching?like third graders? Everyday? For the rest if my life? Omg, not only will I be teaching for the rest of my life, but I'll be alone. Ok nervousness just turned into anxiety. I'm done for today!

Ps. I look horrible today and Sam walks by me in the uc in a freaking suit with his bead all trimmed and his new contacts in. Really? Thx for making me feel like I didn't deserve him God.

Dating

I have figured out the dating world. It is very tricky and probably hard for some of you tackful ppl but here's the key, you aren't going to find someone who satisfies every ach left over from a previous relationship. In other words, you might need three or four guys to complete the feeling u had with someone u loved. For example, I have one guy who takes me out on really nice dates for the intellectual conversations, another one who is more of a home body and is kept as a pick me up (back rubs, cute gifts, telling me how pretty I am, all fall under this boy), and finally the attractive one who is kept for the purpose of his looks. That's three guys it took to fill the shoes of my former bf, but it works. It works because I tell all of them that I'm just not ready to commit so soon after this epic relationship, so they all know we are not exculsive. They prolly date other girls too, but when I call them, they come. And if they don't I get a replacement. I really think this is how it needs to go until I find a guy who completes all thirty some of my requirements a few years down the road.

The sunday before school resumes

I just realized while writing that title that we only have a few weeks left of classes. WOW. My first semester being single just flew by without me noticing.

Anyway, I'm sitting in Panera waiting for my sis to get her so I can record my podcast with looking like a creeper talking to myself. I painted one wall in my living room purple and I really like it. I did two coats but it might need three.... I've never done three coast of paint but you can still see the lines from the roller because the paint is very thin. I'll let it sink into my life for a while and see if it needs more. I was very productive today. I did laundry, the dishes, made pink lemonade, painted, and made a podcast (almost). It's only 5, I wonder what other things I can accomplish today. Too bad the secretary of state isn't open today, I have until tomorrow to bring back my car's registration to the canton police station along with my fixed brake light. Looks like I'm waking up early tomorrow.

Dating

I have figured out the dating world. It is very tricky and probably hard for some of you tackful ppl but here's the key, you aren't going to find someone who satisfies every ach left over from a previous relationship. In other words, you might need three or four guys to complete the feeling u had with someone u loved. For example, I have one guy who takes me out on really nice dates for the intellectual conversations, another one who is more of a home body and is kept as a pick me up (back rubs, cute gifts, telling me how pretty I am, all fall under this boy), and finally the attractive one who is kept for the purpose of his looks. That's three guys it took to fill the shoes of my former bf, but it works. It works because I tell all of them that I'm just not ready to commit so soon after this epic relationship, so they all know we are not exculsive. They prolly date other girls too, but when I call them, they come. And if they don't I get a replacement. I really think this is how it needs to go until I find a guy who completes all thirty some of my requirements a few years down the road.

Thx giving

My first holiday being single sucked. I have never been so lonely in all my life. This was my day; I woke up around 10, made a nice breakfast (like the 40 year old virgin), watched tv with lady, got ready for dinner at my moms husbands sisters house, went to dinner, came home, watched elf, and went to bed. My only social interaction today was for about 7 hours. Now I'm laying in bed and something just doesn't feel right. I need something but can't put my finger on it. I'm not hungry, I'm not cold, I'm not scared or any more lonely than I've been lately, I don't want to be with a friend or another one if my boy toys right now. I just want to be happy and for some reason, I'm not. I'm used to knowing exactly what I want when I want it and let's face it, I usually get it. Tonight I just don't know. I guess the best word to describe how I'm feeling is uneasy. I'm just not used to this family life of seeing eachother on a holiday for a few hours. Sams family would have me over in the morning, I'd bring lady of course bc they knew we were a packaged deal, and we'd cook stuff together as a family all day, listening to Christmas music and decorating the house. Last thx giving we watched the entire home alone series while we cooked. Then the good china would come out and wine would be opened and pretty soon everyone would be finished eating and just like that the entire day had flown by and I'd run off for a few hours to be with my family. When I returned to get lady I'd come in for a few more minutes to visit with eiyee then drive her home and walk her in to her apartment building. I would return to my apt by myself but filled with love and happiness. I woukd fall asleep with a smile on my face and tons of left overs on my fridge. I guess I just didn't realize how different it would be. I didn't know I would end up with an empty heart and a fridge to match. Gawd, I didn't even hug my mother today. Well, now I know what's wrong with me. I'm empty. And not even my moms wonderful vegiterian stuffing can fill me up. I can pin point what I want, but it's something I will never have until I get married and start my own family traditions, which probably won't happen.

Holidays

I was at cvs waiting for prescription to fill and looking down the festive isle they have with random holiday stuff and I began to think. I thought of the four wonderful holidays I shared with *Ryan* and how much fun we had decorating my little apt. I saw the stockings we painted, one for him, one for me, and one for lady. I saw the same snowman candy dish we bought together to hold my favorite white chocolate kisses, aka hugs. I saw the light up snowman we got his mom for Christmas last year bc she liked mine so much. As I remembered all these things I contimplated getting something new for my apt. Something I woukd enjoy this holiday season, and then I realized that there's no point in decorating for ur own enjoyment. All the little things Ryan and I did the previous four years were for both of us. He would suprise me by having the tree up and fluffed ready to put ortaments on by the time I woke up in the morning and he'd always wait patiently while I put up the train everyone except me seems to hate. But those things were so fun bc we were doing them together. And after we would snuggle under the beautifully lit up tree and listen to the wind howl outside. I think this is why the snuggie was placed in this isle.

Anyway, this holiday season will be interesting. Maybe I will decorate for my own enjoyment and maybe I'll just leave the apt plain. Whatever I choose, I know I don't want to share this holiday with another boy. Not yet anyway. I have too many memories to enjoy before I have to say goodbye to those too and make room for another persons memories.

Dating

last night a boy brought a bottle of wine over and we watched a movie and shared the entire bottle. We talked til 2am. I met him through my big sis, stuffy, but our first date did not go so well. It ended with him choking me and thus leaving a full hand print on my neck, lol, that sounds worse than it was. It didn't hurt, I honestly didn't think he did it hard enough to leave a mark, but w/e. It happened, lol!

Anyway, so he since that night his dog who he was very close to, similar to lady and I, passed away and he cancelled every date we had planned afterwards. So last night I was hanging out on my fb zoo and expecting a text canceling, when he knocked on my door. He apologized for the 'funk' he had been in the last few weeks and we talked a lot. I feel like I really got to know him, and he is such a typical guy. Which isn't a bad thing necessarily. I forgot how good I am at reading ppl. For example, he lifted his shirt to show me where he would put a tattoo if he were to get one, to which I replied "are you just showing me this so I can see ur six pack?" lol, I was dead on. So typical!

It was a breath of fresh air to meet someone who fit into the stereotypical male I have a pic of in my mind. I'm really happy he came by, he's really sweet when his hand isn't on ur throat :P

Living my life

Oh Saturdays, how I love thee so. I could do homework or study for my math exam on monday, but I won't. I will do laundry while painting a beautiful picture for my evolving apt. I will cuddle with lady bug and watch my recordings of will & grace. I will take a really long relaxing shower and blog about how wonderful my life is today. And then, when the sun has gone down, I will be greeted by a handsome man bearing a movie and a bottle of wine. Today I will enjoy my life as a single 20 year old college student.

Th hills have eyes!

Let me start off by saying that I never want to go to Tennessee again. I know there was talk amongst the other grandchildren of taking a road trip down here to see papa’s grave, but they will be making that trip without me.

Everyone up here is slow. The way they move, the way they talk, the way think. Slow, slow, slow. Everything is slow. The speed limits are 55 mph, but since the roads meander up and down hills, you can never get up to speed without slamming on ur breaks and turning. I swear I have never used my breaks so much in my life.

Everyone is cluttered and lazy. I have never seen so much junk in all my life. Ppl have houses that all look like junk yards. When we would see one (of about 5) clean yards, the next one would be so bad it discredited the first.

There is nothing here. There is NOTHING here. One kid was bragging about his city, a few towns over, having ONE restaurant.

I did learn somethings on this trip, like why marriage is such a big deal to me. It’s bc my grandma is obsessed with it. Every time she introduced a new person it was always, she’s married to him, or she lived a long long time alone before she married him, or even she never did marry, so sad…..

Also I learned that men want to own everything. There was not a pond or a house we highlighted that david (the usual driver) would say man I’d love to own that! Women can just enjoy the beauty of nature while men, have to own it or be in control of it to truly enjoy it. Not only that but I could go on and on about the sexism I’ve encountered down here that they usually call “southern charm.” I’m sorry but I am not no ‘lil’ missy’ and I can drive myself around safely without a man escorting me. And you know what? I can even open my own doors :O I know, big concept, especially for ppl down here to grasp.

the hills of TN

I am in the middle of no where. I guess it's called the hills of TN, but it is nothing like the hills TV show. I am a city girl to the bone! We went a pizza hut for dinner and I had to ask if they had well water or city water, the waitress replied, "we just have water, darling." They had well water.

JIMMY IS DRIVING ME NUTS! He is the most annoying person on Earth. When my little Nana says F***ing followed by your name, you know you are not a good human being. One good thing that will come from papa's passing is that we get to cut ties with him. I know this sounds bad, but seriously 5 minutes with him and I want to ignore him. I'm a pretty patient and understanding person too.

On the upside, this hotel is not too shabby. I was expecting scorpions and spiders in a rinky dink room with no heat and no nothing. I'll admit when we puled up to an empty parking lot in the middle of no where with nothing really around, I thought my expectations were confirmed. Quite the contrary, there is free internet, wonderful heat, a microwave, a big TV, and a mini fridge. I can live with this. I'm rooming with my nana so I get a whole bed to myself, and our room joins with mom and David's. We've been opening our connecting doors to talk once in awhile, but Jimmy's in their room, so I'm trying to keep it closed now in hopes the disease doesn't spread.

I should really do some homework, but heck, I've got time. Everyone is so slow here. The way they talk, the way they move, it's like they don't even think as fast as normal ppl. Tomorrow's the viewing and I am so glad it is only 3-6. I couldn't handle 12-9 with these ppl without the rest of the grandchildren unit.

Friends and funerals....

The viewing and the funeral service for papa was really nice. It was exactly how he would of wanted it. I feel bad that I didn't tell Sam about the services, I had keith tell him tonight and he was really upset. I think he would have wanted to come pay his respects, he liked my grandpa a lot. Oh well, I can't change it now. Maybe Sam shouldn't have been such a crappy friend before, maybe then he would have known about it.

Anyway, it was nice. My sorority sent me flowers which was totally unexpected, I forgot what position does things like that. Sisterhood? IDK, but Alex also surprised me with paint and a roller. I had told her how I wanted to paint my apt and was thinking purple for the living room. The color she picked is perfect and I'm so happy I have something to distract myself with when everything settles down. Oh, and not living in a black and white apt is such a big plus!

You know, they say you find out who your real friends are when you're going through a hard time. I sent an email out with the time and location of the funeral arrangements to my sorority, as many girls have done, and I never would have guessed who showed up. Bertha (a code name), who lives down the street one city over didn't pop in for a minute, Ellan (another code name) and Lauren (yet another code) who live in the same city also didn't stop by to show their support. I half expected my big sister to drive the long distance to be with me one of the days because I feel like we are really close and I would do that for her. But no, a new member stopped by.

Amy surprised me when she and her bf walked in, they live in dearborn so it's not like they were on the way somewhere. She actually took the time to drive 30 minutes downriver just to say hi and that she's here for me. That meant a lot to me, especially since we haven't had the chance to become close friends like I had with most of the other girls. She even called me tonight to see if I wanted to come out with her friends to get my mind off everything and watch a movie. I'm so glad we are rooming together for semi formal so I can get to know this girl better. She is really nice and I hope I'm not misreading this like I was with Bertha....

So many things have changed in my life recently. I realized who I can really count on to pick me up when I'm down and I am rearranging my life to make time to be with my nana more in a couple weeks when everything settles down. I'm leaving lady with me dad to go down to Tennessee for my nana, if that doesn't say I'm here for you Idk what will!

Papa

On november 11, 2009 at 8:45 pm one the greatest people to walk this earth passed away. It was for the best but everyone he left behind will miss him terribly.

This is the hard part, getting through everyday life and the hoildays without him. Nana told the social worker at the hospital that last time, with grandpa Charles, she had two girls by her side, but this time she had no one. Now I know she knows that we woukd always be there for her but she meant at her house with her 24/7. That we can't do. It's dangerous for her to live alone in Taylor. Not only bc the bank three houses down is robbed repeatedly but also bc of her moral. It's hard for me to get motivation to get up and go do something. Sometimes I don't want to eat bc if I cook I'll have too much left overs that will go to waste, and I'm 20! I can't imagine being married and used to another person getting up next to you and brushing their teeth next to you and eating breakfast with you, then have to learn to simply do without. If i am feeling the effects of an empty nest when my companion didn't technically live with me imagine the intensity of loneliness and emptiness she will experience after thirty some years actually living with him.

It's hard bc there's no right answer. Do we arrange for a family member to live with her and jepordize taking away her indepence and spunk? Or do we leave her alone and trust that she will keep herself healthy and active? I feel like animals would def help, maybe birds. She loves feeding the finches and watching their colors change. Or was that grandpas thing that she just went along with? I can never tell. They did everything together.

Either way, RIP papa. You were the best grandpa a girl could wish for. Don't worry, we'll take care of nana <3

I think I just grew up

Tonight I'm sitting in my apt watching my new obsession bones and eating my dinner and I took a minute to anaylize myself. I mean there I was in my Aldo boots and express leggings with phenom hair and I was completely satisfied with how my life has turned out. I realized that I have become more independent than I ever was. Yes, I was alone. But I wouldn't have it anyother way. I am completely free to move through this world as I please and I am doing it exactly how I please. I do not have to check in with someone or worry about if someone else is having a bad day. No. I worry about myself and my family. That's how life is supposed to be, that's how it was before this patriarchy.

Also as I sat there and inspected myself, I saw a confident women who truely wants the best for everyone. I don't want drama and I don't want to surround myself with burnt bridges. I am a great girlfriend and a great muse to anyone who knows me. I make eyiee proud even though her grandson failed her. I am classy and down to earth and I am learning how to be tactful like Bree vandacamp. Everything I do betters who I am as a human on this planet. I know what I want, when I want, and how I want it but most importantly I know what I need. And right now that happens to be a friend who will stick up for me regardless of what rumors she/he hears and a nice long massage.

I also want to blog about my dog tonight. I picked her up a bacon flavored bone at the store tonight and she litterally did everything with it stuck in her jaws. I mean, she went outside and peed with it in her mouth. That's pride if u ask me son. She's like me with chapstick. I guess it runs in her genes. : )

Superbad!

So I'm sitting in pancheros on aa and guess who walks in? That skinny kid from supperbad and the star of Nick and Noras infinate playlist!

I hope it's really him and not just an illusion from my over worked brain from spending 3 hours in the ugly.

Freakin' day

Where to begin!? lets start with yesterday. I called off work to go see my grandpa in the hospital. Once at the hospital the doctor, who was more than a little than a jerk, came in and said he needed to get surgery to get a stint put in the tub connecting the kidney to the bladder bc it was blocked. So this was scheduled for this morning.

that brings us to today. I wake up at 8:30 and go directly to my laptop to continue writing my research paper. I'll run through this real fast: around 10:30 I get ready to leave for my volunteer project for class. I work at the arts n' scraps warehouse for two hours putting together bags of scraps for children to make self portraits with. Back home I have just enough time to make a personal pizza and get dressed for initiation.

When I arrive at initiation, I am asked to place my phone in a bucket with all of my sisters phones so that we are not distracted throughout the evening. I am reluctant to do this bc I the last text I got from my mom was that grandpa was going in for the stint surgery and I was awaiting the outcome. I place my iphone in the bucket and walk downstairs. That's when alex tells me that my good friend tim has decided to 'cut ties' with me bc it would be best for both of us. This is a shock bc tim has told me time and time again how much of a blessing I am in his life and how much he needs me. Even more of a shock is that he isn't even going to tell me this, he asked her to do it for him.

We get a 10 minute break and I run upstairs to find the text from my mom that the surgery was not good. There were complications with his heart during the procedure and they almost called code blue. Thats when I realize that it was just last year at initiation that sam's grandma passed away. I was very close to eyiee and it was really hard to deal with my own grief and be there for sam as well. I bent over backwards to ease his pain.

Anyway, I put my phone back in the bucket and walked back to the basement. I sat through the next hour in a daze thinking about everything and how mad I was at myself for not being with sam last year when eyiee passed. I left initiation as soon as I got the word but I wasn't there when I should have been. So I thought about what I should do now. Should I continue to stay here while my grandpa, or grandma or mom, might need me?

When we got another break, I told kara that I had to go. It just didn't feel right being there when I wasn't sure how my grandpa was. I drove straight to oakwood where more of this tim drama unfolded. He had messaged my mom about the same thing he had told alex.

Once I see that grandpa is ok for tonight and on the way to transferring to u of m where he'd get better care by physicians who have worked with him before, I headed home. On the way I called Tim and had a nice long conversation about what he was thinking when he said that stuff. He told me that he thought it was best for both of us so naturally when I told him that that's not what I wanted he changed his mind. Apparently his 'frd' had put this idea in his head, ironically the same 'frd' who had just talked to me and left me with the thought that he was happy tim and I were still frds.

I get home and immediately talk to this 'frd' (we'll call him Napoleon bc he has a touch of a Napoleon complex) about this. Napoleon tells me he said no such thing, that tim had already made the decision to stop talking to me b4 he talked to him about it. This is load of crap, but I wasn't asking for an explanation anyway. I was simply asking Napoleon to stop telling tim what to do bc earlier on the phone tim said something about how everyone is telling him what he should do and it was confusing him. We ended up going back and forth and he ended up saying I was controlling.

REALLY!?!?!?! AH! if you ever want to watch me go from zero to ten, say that I'm controlling someone's life. It's sam all over again.

While I'm basically going off on Napoleon for saying that, I get a phone call from Tim telling me to stop talking to Napoleon bc Napoleon just called him yelling bc he was upset at me. Napoleon, upset at me? was I the one making accusations? No. Was I the one who thought a relationship only meant dating? No. And was I the one who bluntly lied about what they had told Tim? No. So why Napoleon was upset is beyond me. He had no reason to be.

Well, if you know me you know that I don't take well to being told what to do, even if it is something as insignificant as to stop talking to Napoleon. So this frustrated me even more, but not nearly as much as the whole "ur controlling him, stop being his mother" crap did.

I'm still very frustrated at all of this bc Napoleon doesn't have his facts straight and Tim is not really laying it out for him well enough. I hate Napoleon. I hate little boys who think they know everything that goes on between everyone and has to stick their nose in where it obviously does not belong. I am not over this an I will not be over this until Napoleon realizes how much he is hindering Tim's mental growth by taking charge of every aspect of his life. Napoleon owes me a HUGE apology and although Tim thinks it is all water under the bridge, he is sadly mistaken.

Not so bad

I'm eating in moes and people watching since I'm alone and I see this father walk in holding a little boy in his arms who looks to be around three or four and another older boy trailing behind them. I've been creepily watching this little family and I just keep thinking that if I was so lucky to end up marrying such a good father things won't be so bad. I mean, sure, divorce is practically inevidable these days but if my first hubby was a dad like that, I would be happy. I think I'm adding this to my new boyfriend requirements, along with 'changes his own diapers.' see earlier blog in a few hours for details on that last one.

It's a new day : )

It's confirmed, I have a date to semi. I thought I'd be going single for sure, but he got back to me and he is very excited, as he should be. I'm a hot date : P

Also, I have made the decision to pick up another job for the weekends at micheals or kohls. Why not make some more money while I'm keeping myself distracted from my 'empty nest' (forgot to blog about my theory that since 'ryan' was such a big baby, I'm going through empty nest syndrome since he has now left).

AND! I had a long convo (over fb chat :( ) with a guy who I use to LOVE to talk to! He is very smart and very nice and meets a lot of my requirements, but we were really just friends. Then something happened and sam made me stop talking to him b/c me kindness towards him was 'giving him the wrong impression.' It feels so good to talk to him again.

So today was a good day. my arms are sore from the gym (yes! muscle!), I watched the sun set as I drove home from my rewarding job at the preschool, I played with lady, and I reconnected (kinda) with a good friend. I can breathe a little bit better tonight : )

Yup! what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself and we could all use a little CHANGE!

I looked up volunteer opportunities with united way and there are some really cool ones. I can teach kids! HAHA that's what I love! So I applied to two good positions that I would be able to do (since all I have open are weekends it was kind of difficult). Hopefully I'll hear back from them soon.

Also on my agenda is getting my dad to allow me to go stay in his house in chicago. I wanted to rent out a cabin up north, but something tells me I'd be scared shitless in the woods all alone. So chicago works. Maybe I can stand to be with someone else, but that someone else would have to be someone who knows me and understands me so that I don't have explain every little thing I say and do. That narrows it down to a boy who I haven't seen in a year, my sister who is too busy and too wound up in her career as a student, and, well, that's kind of it I guess. Crap. I got no one.

well I'll toy with the idea of going with some of my sisters. There are a few I love to hang out with, but unfortunately they all have boyfriends who they are tied to. I understand that cuz I've been there. You know Sam actually made me promise I wouldn't go on any more vacations unless he was able to go with me. HA what a crazy four years it has been. Hell what a crazy 6 years it's been! We had a lot of fun. maybe now is the time I'm not supposed to have fun, you know, the be fair to other ppl and kind of even everything out.

November 1st

Halloween is over and I have nothing to do. Everyone I want to hang out is busy and I have a meeting for the twentith anniversary of a sorority made up of girls I can't trust. I wanted to go workout and got all the way to my new gym and realized I wouldn't have enough time to workout and shower before my meeting. So I drove to dbo where I sit now, in my car, waiting for 4:30 to roll around.

There has to be something more to this life. This cannot be all I was intended to be at this point in my life. I can not make myself as happy as I was two years ago. I hate this. You know I actually drove to the top of the 'place' where Sam was initated into the fraternity and into a completely different person before coming over here? Something needs to happen and I don't know what that is. I can say that it isn't a new boy, or hanging with girls who will stab you in the back in a second, or even being with my family. I'm not even sure if shopping is going to help me, but I'm gonna try it anyway : P

But seriously, it might mean transferring colleges or a spur of the moment trip to San Diego. I might mean taking a leave from work and school for a while (dads worst nightmare) or it might be something simple like painting my apt. Whatever it is, it has to happen fast bc I can't take these depressing days where I have nothing to do but think of the old Sam anymore.