I'll call it 'my coming out night'

Last night I went to tiki bobs for one of my friend's halloween party that they won, so it was free to get in. I dressed like a sexy vampire and did my make up phanom! So when we got there I thought I would just hate it b/c there's so many slutty girls there, and there were slutty girls there, but I realize that I don't care how slutty girls are as long as my bf is either all about me or not there. Tonight, he wasn't there b/c I was SINGLE! I've never been to a club SINGLE in my life and let me teel you, I danced my little bootie off! I danced with two random cute guys, by a pole, and on a bar. I danced with my two girl friends and didn't worry that someone was watching me in disgust. I didn't drink anything except water all night but for some reason I started feeling dizzy and nauseous, but other than that, it was a perf night out. I'm calling it my coming out night b/c that sums it all up!

frustration

my iphone cord has seen better days. It hasn't worked normally in a week or so but now it just doesn't work at all. My phone is dead, and it's charging once every 10 minutes, which isn't enough to bring it back to life for more than a sec. but each time I get excited and try to view my text messages. just as I get ready to respond it dies again.

So I'm going to tiki bobs tonight as a vampire, prolly without a phone, then heading to the delt sig's party and/or the after party, but if no one is there I am not staying b/c I am not that fond of the phi sigs. Tiki Bob's will for sure be fun. Hopefully my girls will be at the delt sigs too, but w/e. Today was fun at the center, with all the halloween costumes and the trick or treat walk. SO CUTE! My face was Harry as Harry potter, haha and Noah as a tiger. I love those kids.

SAM

so a long long time ago i sent him a fb message saying thank you for teaching me how to change my tire. It's been like a month and I figured that was that, he wasn't going to respond. Today I get his response "np" which really shouldn't affect me but I have that his name came up on my email. I hate it b/c I deleted his email from my address so that I would never see that crap again but fb has to go and fix that for me! Thx fb.

so I realize it sounds like I'm running away from this issue, but I swear I'm not. I'm completely over this boy I spent 4 years on. If he were to beg for me back like he's done in the past I would turn the other check and maybe get a restraining order. I'm just saying. It might come to that. He did fb message me.

UH F you fb! and FU sam for not making ur profile off limits to me like I did to you! GAWD! He's so happy with that girl, that girl who is just an uglier version of me! brown hair, round face, brown eyes, perfect teeth, except she has werid checks, like a frikin' chipmunck. How in the world did he get into such a loving relationship three days after ending a four year one!!!!! He NEVER cried over me but I'm still breaking down when I go the frickin' gynos b/c it reminds me of how crazy in love he used to be with me. How can he just pick up and transfer the love he had for one girl to another? I just can't do it. I guess I'm not strong enough. There will never be another Sam for me and it makes it that much worse that he found another Stephanie already. I was honestly doing fine until I clicked on his stupid profile pic and went to his page and saw an album titled "my new home" by that girl with all pictures of sam. My SAM. He was mine.

I'm forgetting that 'he' in this situation is not the 'he' who I feel in love with. That boy in those pictures in Chicago is not the boy 4 years ago who offered me a promise ring the he would never leave me. That boy kissing that uglier version of me is not the boy who thought he had gotten me pregnant by dry humping me. That boy, isn't who my boy was. I need to remember this b/c if I forget it I will not be able to handle it. I won't be able to move on with my life if there's a chance that my sam is still in there.

Ugh

Semi formal is right around the corner and it is stressing me out! Not only do I have to decide who I'm bringing but I also need to pick a roomie. Usually Sam woukd pick who we roomed with because he's a cry baby and would cry about it all night if he didn't click with our roomie or their date. So now I'm deciding for the first time ever and most of the girls I want to room with have bfs and want a room to themselves. Alex said I can room with her which is awesome bc I won't have to worry about being locked out of my room while they have 'alone time.' but now for who I'm taking.

I love this kid who joined the phi sigs last winter and I already asked him (gawd I was nervous). He said yea but he has to clear that date with work. So i'm still waiting for def answer and it's killing me! Bit then I realize that Sam hates every guy I talk to and that would create such a strain on their already fragile brotherhood (if that's what they call it). Sam has made other brothers cancel their tentative plans with me before, what would be dif about this time? And if he can go do we sleep in the same bed as assumed? And do we dance together? What if I'm not a good dancer? It's funny how i didn't care how good I was at dancing until now. And what about drinking? Our roomies might not drink but I want to. But then what if he doesn't drink? He's a really nice boy, I feel like he doesn't do anything wrong but I do everything wrong. I hate worrying about stuff like this, I hate that I care what someone other than an employer thinks of me.

Hopefully he'll get back to me asap with a def yes bc if he says no I'll prolly end up taking someone below me who I won't care what their opinions are of me. This ones like on my level, kind of. We haven't really hung out one on one yet. But I know he's a good guy. Super cute too!

What will they come up with next?

So today I get a text from a snake saying that a phi sig was talking to him about how I'm prolly spending more money since sam is not in my life anymore to pay for all my necessities. HA! What? When did this kid ever pay for anything for me? I think the only he ever bought me were promise rings (none over $100 of course, we weren't rich!)

So lets lay this one out for you. I'm 16 with a balla savings account and sam's 17 with no bank account, no job, no money (except the $20 his mom would give him to buy fast food b/c at this point that's all he'd eat, and he'd eat $20 worth a day. Tis is way he was over 300 pounds when I met him. but moving on). He wants an ipod and the new xbox 360. He negs and negs and negs and begs and begs and begs for weeks, but I finally give in b/c I'm with him all the time and I can't take it! Then when he 'buys' my truck off my dad (in payments of $100 a month) he needs help paying it. I pay for it for a few months. When his parents were going bankrupt I off my money. A littler here, a little there, and BAM! my saving account was spent on sam.

So we start working at my dad's office, both making the same amount, but for some reason I was still expected to pay for dinner, gas, entertainment, etc. I even ended up giving him alcohol money once in a while. Why you might ask? because we were in it for the long run and he would eventually pay me back (so why haven't I seen a cent yet?)

Let's fast forward to a year ago. We are having problems b/c he is staying out at the bar every night and blowing me off for his frat boys! (NO i do not mean fraternity brothers, I mean exactly what I said. deal with it.) At this point he is working as a dish washer and I am making less than him at the preschool. He is working on becoming more of a savor (which he has obviously never been) so I would still pay for things. His gas for his car, $20 to go the bar to check out other girls, etc. ....Good times.....

So this is why when I heard this information, I was ferious at first. Now, 30 minutes after the fact, I am cracking up. This is really funny when you think about it, Sam is going crazy. He's an idiot who doesn't belong in college but, thx to me, was able to pull up his C and below report card in high school and go to baker college. What a great college! Then, also thx to his study buddy (aka me), went to Wayne state university. his whole hick family had a celebration!!! their boy was at a university! And guess what? his parents thanked ME for helping him focus. Then He transferred to U of M Dearborn and joins a frat. Again his parents and sam himself could not thank me enough! A wright going to a university was one thing but joining a frat and taking leadership roles was just mind boggling!

Well you're welcome wright family. For paying for so much and not asking for anything in return, for helping your boy raise his grades and put more emphasis on studying and education, for introducing him to those awesome phi sigs, and for being there for your family through thick and thin and not expecting a thing in return. You're welcome for letting you walk all over me. good luck finding another one as kind as I was to you.

....HA Sam paying for ME?!?! In what world?

Halloween

I'm kind of over the whole frat party scene these days, so this year I am going to hop between tiki bob's and the delt sigs, that way I won't have to be at either for more than two hours, tops. However I didn't have anything to do on the actual night of halloween. So after a couple girls asked if I knew of any parties I decided I would throw a party!

This is going to be sweet! I'm going to move my coffee table to my bedroom so that we can dance to the amazing playlist I will have which will include monster mash, there will be hot dogs that resemble fingers with ketchup for blood at the ends, pop corn, chocolate covered pretzels with orange sprinkles, and lots of chips! To drink I'll be making red daiquiris and orange pop to either mix with alcohol or drink plain.

So the select ppl invited to my halloween bash will arrive dressed up, dance and eat for a while, then we'll head to the haunted put put course down ford road and play a round, then back at my apt we will watch halloween town and other like movies that are halloweeny yet not scary. This is going to be so much fun!

getting over a break up

The memories you will always keep; $0

A new apartment to forget about half the lies he told; $665 a month

A new bedroom set from Ikea to make it your bedroom instead of 'ours'; $1,000

Throwing out the old promise rings that ended up meaning nothing; A lot of will

Hair app., new clothes, and a new way of life; $400

Finding another best friend who won't spread or make up rumors about you; Priceless

I've made it all the way to the last step, but can't quite seem to finish this....

mean girls

True friends don't spread rumors about each other. When they hear something about their friend that doesn't seem right, they stick up for them. They do not believe these things and they do not think a thing about writing it off.

Boys are dumb. When you move on and leave them in the dust they are going to say things. I expect my friends to disregard these thing at least. They should rebuttal against the person saying these things to defend their friend, but I'll settle for disregarding.

So either "Ryan" or one of my friends has been talking 'smack' about me and its just getting around to me. I just want everyone to know that these things are not true! To most of you this stuff is old news but to me its brand new and I am furious. Like, furious enough to go inactive. Apparently ppl don't think I respect sorority events anyway, so why should I continue giving my dedication to this org when all they do is spread around these lies and probably add to them?

Also, since I don't know who is saying this stuff about me, I'm done discussing my life with my closest friends because some of them have turned out to be mean girls. These are girls who have been made fun of their whole life so when opportunity strikes they take their frustration out on their friends. They might do this by giving poor advice, or becoming close friend with an ex boyfriend. Well, I'm done feeding these rumors and I'm done trusting ppl with any information. The smallest detail could be construed into a big rumor if told to the right mean girl. So Goodbye sisterhood. It was nice pretending we had you....

So to recap, I'm over the whole high school lets talk bad about our best friend behind her back bull. If you want me to set the record straight for you I will, but you, as my friend, should know better than to believe that I would show up to a sorority event under any type of influence and you should also know that I don't hook up in frat bathrooms.

Worms

Today it rained all day and I got to thinking about worms. You see them all the time when it rains in the summer and their tunnels fill with water forcing them up to the side walk. But what do they do in the winter? I didn't see any worms today so did they go into hibernation? Migrate?

This seems like a question for google. Answer tba.

Apparently they go deeper underground b/c it is warmer, but why don't they suffocate down there? Can anyone answer this?

It was JUST a dream...

I promise I won't blog about every dream I have, but this one scares me to death. I'm giving the person a code name although I'm sure if you're reading this you know who I'm talking about.

I was in a room I did not recognize with Ryan's twin neice and nefew on either side of me. His father was on the chair adjacent to the couch I was on and his mother was standing by the door. I can not for the life of me remember where I was but I'm 100% positive I've been there before. The twins were SO much bigger than I remember, but the tone of the dream did not imply that we were there to catch up. I was holding nickili because he was crying and Ava, although she looked as if she'd been crying, was sitting stone faced. No one made a sound. Then I heard someone coming. It was Ryan. He had a box on his belt that he tried to cover up. Every time I've seen Ryan come into a room, he would embrace his mother, they had a very close relationship, but in my dream he walked briskly past her. I could see the hurt on her face, but no one else noticed.

Ryan looked out the window closet to his dad for what seemed like forever. I hate silence. Then turned around and said something that didn't matter and opened the box on his waist line. He pulled out a gun. everyone shrieked, but I was somehow not shocked. I just put my arm around Ava and held on to Nickali tighter. Ryan proceeded to say things that don't matter and approach Ava. He shot her. Then he came to me and Nickali. He had the gun to my head, I could feel the heat from the barrel, but then he put it to Nickali's and shot instead, keeping eye contact with me. He shot his dad, then his own mother. I was alone in a strange room with 4 dead bodies of ppl I once cared deeply about staring at this stranger I once knew inside and out. He put the gun to his own head and shot. I crawled out of the room, I'm not sure why, and once I got outside, everything was normal. No one knew what had just happened. I was the only one. I tried to bring ppl back into that room to show them, I'm not crazy, Ryan just shot his family, but when I returned there was nothing inside.

I just have to remember, although it has a very real background message, it was just a dream. I just can't get the look on his face out of my head. It was anger, it wasn't sadness. It was more like loneliness and longing. Idk, my brain sucks sometimes. It decided to pull out the old Ryan when in the real world there is only this new strange Ryan. The old Ryan used to say he can be surrounded by ppl and still feel lonely if I wasn't with him, but this new one definitely prefers that I'm not with him.

I wish I had a teacher like me

EDT 210 is all about classroom websites so far and I must say, mine are pretty sweet. I'm working on a webquest for my future students, which is where you divide the class into groups of three or four and send them to a website you have made that describes an activity. from there each person in the group is given a role in the project. They go to their page and do their part. Everything is online and it can be really cool, if you do it right.

Well, I will have to make a point to put mine up here because I have groups of 4 working on video taping a weather forecast for locations specified in class (or in this case made up and spelled out on this website). I have links for everything! Each student is doing a lot of work compared to what they normally do, and there is no way a student could go through this webquest without learning about the weather and seasons of different areas of the world. I love myself as a future teacher!

I mean I even incorporate Pooh Bear by having the student with role 4 make outfits that would be good for him to wear if he lived in the location they were given. And I mean actually make. I have links to clothing and a pooh bear that they are supposed to cut out, glue together, and put on a poster board with labels. This is the coolest class ever!

Good Morning!

I had a much needed good morning. I finally started my workout routine back up with my frd. so I actually woke up early instead of sleeping til class. Then on the way home, ppl were stopping to let the geese cross the road and I just laughed. It's crazy how there can be so much evil in this world and then the simplest act of kindness towards nature can turn everything around.

When I finally got home I noticed the bee I was so afraid of last night was still hanging out in the same spot. So I stopped for a closer look. I'm afraid he's hurt and can't fly, he just keeps picking up his feet and moving them slightly, but he's not going anywhere. I know I looked insane, standing outside my door asking a bee who no one else could see what was wrong, but I wish I could help him. I already had a fish die in my car and now I'm going to have a dead bee by my door : ( But that's nature. It happens and if he dies then it must have been his time to go and new bee to come to life.

Anyway, I continued my morning after realizing that three of my neighbors had begun to stare. I watched will & Grace with my puppy Lady Bug then took a wonderful shower. Now I'm going to go do my beautiful hair that I love, and go do interviews, class, then possibly mongos to support a group of guys who used to be my friends. Why do I still feel like I should support them? Because I'm a good person damn it!

destressing

I am letting go of everything I can not control. We all need to just let go of the toxic parts of life and embrace the good parts. Its easy to forget what's really important in this world when you can't see past the clouds of fall to the stars. I can't tell you how long its been since I've seen the sun rise, or set for that matter. We all just get too busy to see the good in life once in a while.

Dreams

Last night I had a dream that I was looking in the mirror on my vanity putting makeup on. Only I had super beautiful long Italian Brian Sbroglia eyelashes.

Oh and I was putting on my makeup with beads instead of my fingers, sponges, or brushes. And it kinda looked good. I'm gonna take that to mean that I look good no matter what or how I get ready.

I Love my sisters <3

Just got home from my long day of class and deepher meeting and I realize how much my sisters mean to me. Once in a while I am overcome by love for them and tonight is one of those nights, even though its 11:30 pm.

Yesterday stuffy and I hung out and she helped me realize that the bar will be raised. Last night I called andrea crying b/c I thought that all guys had no good in them and since guys make up roughly 50% of the world's population and about half of the girls are bad too, that's like 75% of the population has no good. She made realize that that wasn't true and I was being crazy. Today Alex skips class to go eat with me and this guy we just met both love to death.

Then the meeting was so long, but it was just because we are doing so much! And I just really appreciate all that we as deephers do, we help out so many ppl and touch so many lives. We have relations with every greek org on campus. Sitting there in the meeting I see gifts from fraternities who love us, and women doing all that they can in their positions this year to better not only us, but homeless people in detroit and other orgs on campus as well, and I LOVE IT! I love that the meetings seem to last forever and I love that there are some events that I can't make it to b/c that means that there's that much more going on in our sorority. These women are going places, each and every one of them. They are all leaders and they are all amazing at what they do.

I love my sisters.

Requirements

while sitting around after getting out of class early, I decided to make a list of requirements for my future (like 2 years or more down the road) boyfriend. I'm not going to explain them all b/c some are just common sense.

1) Touch. I need someone who doesn't leave bruises on me. My next serious bf will be able to beat ppl up but touch me like I'm glass.

2) Language. No C words or P words plz!

3) Big drinker? NO! Sure, drink socially to have a good time (with me preferably) but he will not be drinking by himself or every night with the boys. that's just not happening.

4) Bar Nights? NOPE! I understand if there's a special event like a birthday at the bar or something along those lines, but guy nights at the bar will be limited to 2 a year. And that's a big compromise for me. Coming from the relationships I have, my next bf is lucky to have any hope of bar nights with the boys. Now if he wants me to go with and I feel like going, which isn't often, that's a different story..... see "only have eyes for me" for more on this topic.

5) Strip club? Absolutely not. I can't date someone who has ever been to a strip club or has any ambition to go. I do not condone that and neither will my next bf.

6) Cultured.

7) Legitimately fun. Preferably without saying every two minutes, "this is sweet, YEAH!" b/c when he's with me, that should be a given.

8) Family interactions. Nothing sweeter than a boy who has mad respect for his parents and who charms yours into thinking he's the guy for you. (no momma boys plz)

9) Friend interactions. Are you going to go out with your friends and do things that I don't want to associate myself with? NO. So my next bf will have minimal changes in his behavior in different crowds.

10) Spontaneous.

11) Only have eyes for me. When we are out in public there will be no looking at other women. all focus will be on me, I am the center of your world and that's the way you like it. This applies to bars and when we are with his frds. He will not ignore me to have long conversations with his buddies. When I am in the room all he wants to do is talk to me. (this does not mean I can't decide not to talk to him in situations like parties where he'll need to hold his own, see clinginess).

12) Past relationships. How did they end? Were you in love? Are you still frds.? Etc......etc....

13) Maturity level.

14) Age. He will not be younger than me, he will most likely be above the age of 23, but I am willing to compromise on this ONE and go down to 21 and up.

15) Importance of School.

16) Fb usage. Too much? Too little? Does he write notes that make me want to vomit? is his info similar to an online dating profile? etc.

17) Hair play. Enough to feel good, not enough to mess it up or annoy me. My next bf will love my hair, as he will love everything about me.

18) The 'i love you' factor. I'm all about fast pace but I can tell when it's not legit. My next bf will understand that I can love the person you are and say i love you when appropriate, but when I'm in love with you, I will say "I am so IN love with you." not just I love you. and it will be said that way until i fall out of love with you. I say how I feel, so take it at face value and do not feel like you have to respond if you have a different way of looking at it.

19) Honesty and Loyalty.

20) Self sufficient. Self motivated. There will be no relying on me for food/gas/clothes/etc. There will be no "wake me up at this time." No you will wake up on your own, you will buy me things, you will be independent.

21) Selfless.

22) Clinginess. There won't be any. He will be his own person and thus he can stand by himself in the same way that I can stand by myself. I do not expect him to be with me all the time nor do I want him with me all the time. Been there, done that, hated it. It ended after 4 years. I'm not going back.

23) Actual dating. My next bf will always plan cute dates no matter how long we are together. I expect to be pampered for the entire relationship.

24) Money. This isn't a huge one on my list, but he will be able to pay for a lot of things. I'm not asking for diamond rings (not after getting three that all meant nothing) or pearl necklaces (I can buy own), but gifts, such as flowers and fun dates to cedar point, are expected.

25) Attractiveness. I have to be attracted to him, this includes everything on this list (his personality) and his looks. I'm not expecting brad pitt (although I would take him) but I don't expect you to be uglier than Samuel Wright. That's taking it too far and I will turn my next bf down if this situation occurs. I know that sounds shallow, but Sam looks like a douche bag so really there shouldn't be any problems.

26) General Concern for me. My next bf will put my interests above everything. He will know when I've been crying even though I say I haven't and know how to turn my day around. This goes hand in hand with eyes for me b/c out of all his frds my opinion is the one he will listen to, etc.

27) Sense of humor. Gotta be able to laugh and appreciate the funny things I do.

28) Have a future. I am done with these boys who aren't going anywhere! How can you live like that? No ambition = no stephanie.

29) Confidence level. Not enough to be cocky but enough to be comfortable in his skin and take criticism well.

30) Good conversation. How does it flow? How interesting is it? does it keep my attention? Do I want to talk to him?

That's it! That's all I want in a guy. Is that so much to ask?

Epiphany

All guys are pigs at heart and all women are better off without them in their life. But that will never happen because of our ridiculous society.

I'm starting to see that the guy of my dreams does not exist, although he did for a short time. There are no innocent guys who honestly like you because of you. It all has to do with your body or what you can do for them. This type of guy just doesn't work for me.

(this only applies to straight men, gay men are always awesome to have in your life)