the end of 2009

Tonight is NYE and I had a wonderful night planned with doug, but he's sick, so he's not going out tonight. So I'm getting dressed up in the outfit I was planning on wearing and going over my sister's to watch the ball drop since no one is going to the house party in AA. I just think it is so fitting for 2009 that I don't have someone to kiss at midnight like I would have if doug wasn't sick. I think I kind of need to be alone to bring in the new year as an independent women who doesn't need anyone to be happy.

2009 has been a good year for me. I have rid my life of everything that was sucking the life out of me (sam, backstabbing frds, etc.) and I am healthier than I have ever been, inside and out. I haven't fought with anyone in 6 months, I have become very optimistic, I have bigger and better plans for my future, and I have learned to find the beauty in everything around me. I have been running faster and longer everyday, which is slowly helping my asthma disappear, and I have improved my wardrobe immensely. This year was hard though, and these accomplishments came at a huge price. From January mourning the loss of Eyiee and the separation of a very tight-knit and loving family through June with my gull bladder ordeal of going three weeks without food or water until they realized what was wrong with me, through July and August and the loss of someone I was ready to spend the rest of my life with and finally ending with the passing of a beloved grandfather. 2009 has been a bit of a b**** but from these obstacles I have gained experience and knowledge that many my age are far from understanding. There were many times this past year I wish things were different. Looking back on this year now, I wouldn't change a thing. God has a plan for me and I fully intend on enjoying the ride he has laid out for me. So I say, let 2010 be just as much of a thrill as 2009 was. I'm ready to bring the new year in alone, for the first time in 6 years. (yes mom and family, sam kissed me at midnight way back when I was 14. No matter how many blogs I write you cannot possibly imagine how deep our relationship was or how long it really lasted, but I do appreciate you trying. I couldn't have made it through 2009 without you guys.)

party dresses and babysitting

Today was kind of random. I got a new dress from bebe to wear out with doug nye. I hope it's not too dressy but hey, who cares? He won't : )

Then I went to Ava's house to babysit her which I have been warned against by w good friend who used to sit for her. She's known to be a little devil and very difficult to get to warm up to you. So I was nervous. I get to their house early because this is the first time I'm there and I don't know where anything is. Ava had fallen asleep in the car ride home so the first hour was me watching TV and waiting for her to wake up. When she did wake up, she was an angel! She showed me all her gifts from santa and we played with them all briefly. Then we played play dough for like 2 hours! then blocks and then her dad decided to take Ava on an errand, so I was done early. I made $24 for playing with a sweet little girl, eating pasta, and watching TV. This is the life!

the first real date in about 6 years

He picked me up at 6 after I literally tried on everything in my closet and threw it over my bed when I didn't like it enough and took me to downtown plymouth. The lights were a pretty in the little bit of snow that we have and it was freezing, but my new scarf kept me warm. We ate at panera b/c he wanted to make sure there was a vegetarian option that I would like. I ordered a half salad first and went for my wallet to pay (I hear the first rule of dating is always try to pay first, if he offers then you can let him). The he told the guy we were together and ordered his meal and paid for both with a $50 bill (not that that's imp, but I was shocked). We had the best conversations over dinner, not that crap I would talk to tim or any other guy about. We talked about cannibalism and suicide and his new album. I know it's not ideal, but I really like talking about things of substance that require a little bit of intelligence. After dinner we went to a desert place. He ordered mint chocolate chip ice cream, so naturally I asked if that was his fave. Guess what. It's not. What's his fave you ask? VANILLA. second fave? COOKIE DOUGH! third fave? mint chocolate chip. That is exactly my line up of fave ice cream. how ironic is that? of course he didn't believe me when I said "Oh me too." b/c who would? I know I wouldn't if tables were turned.

Anyway, I got a cappuccino and we went walking in the cold. Then we kind of got lost, or rather the car was lost. We knew our location, but the car's was unknown. So we searched for it and finally found it. Then he offered to take me to his house, which we headed towards. We tried to look at the Hine's drive lights but it was closed (I think these lights might be made up but these up river ppl to screw with the down river ppl's heads). At his house he showed me around, I met his mom first who was so nice. Then his brothers and his dad came home and I met them. His youngest brother was staying with their grandma so I haven't seen him yet. He showed me his room which has a bookshelf with pretty good books that he's read, like the secret. He also had guitars, and he played for me. OMG, i freaking melted. My attraction to this kid with a guitar in his hand is dangerous. He's really good. He let me hear a few of his songs that he wrote and they were so good. I can't wait till his CD comes out b/c I can seriously see me listening to it, and not just b/c he's adorable but b/c i actually like the music.

Back downstairs his mom made us starbuck's holiday coffee with holiday cream in it and it was so good! We watch a movie called six days and seven nights then came back to my apt to play wii sports. Then he went to leave and i hugged him. then he didn't let go. the he kissed me. then we made out. And of course my sister is texting me right at this minute! so we stop, he says goodbye again and leaves. He just texted me to say he was home ok. I like that he is so considerate of me. Like the panera thing, and the texting thing. He knows I'll worry if I don't know that he's home safe and he doesn't mind letting me know when he gets home. Sam thought it was controlling but I don't mean it like that. I just don't want to wake up in the morning to hear that my cute date was t-boned by a semi on his way home from my apt last night. He gets that. He kind of understands me which is why I'm so head over heals for him. This whole thing is very dangerous, I'm seeing him on nye. We're going to a club in aa with his frds. I need help choosing an outfit. It took me an hour to decide on jeans and letters for tonight, gawd it could take me days to pick out an out for nye with him! I don't have that kind of time! I should start looking now.

Back by popular request.

Since apparently reader's lives are boring without this blog, I came up with a very good topic to write about tonight. Music.

You know those songs that are sappy, I love you, don't leave me type songs that everyone listens to during a break up or a tough time in their life? We'll I was no exception.

SIDE NOTE: Lady just snuck into her bag which is on the floor, not unpacked yet from mom's, and took out one bone like it was normal. She's walking around showing it off and I am cracking up. It's like a teenager going in the kitchen for a snack!

Anyway, I would listen to "not ready to make nice" and decide that I really did like the way it "turned my life around" and the song "Single" by Natasha bedingfield and realized i really did want to be single. Then I would hear songs like the one I heard on the way home today by the Rihanna beater boy about crawling until we can run, then running until we are strong enough to jump, then flying forever, so let's "crawl back into love" and remember that if sam ever said those words to me, I'd punch him. in the face. I'd lay him out.

Likewise with the song "replay" and the part that goes "I can be your melody or girl I can write you a symphony" which is my favorite part. If sam ever sang that to me I'd punch him. And I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. Even the song "whatcha say" about him apologizing and admitting that he was being dumb and should have treated me better. I would still take him down for even considering that I might listen to his real apology.

Then there are those songs ppl told me I wouldn't be able to listen to for a long long long time. You know, like the ones on our CD and our theme song. We'll those ppl were wrong. I was listening to "God blessed the broken road" before I even moved up here to canton, so that was like July (One month after the break up). I think in this aspect I'm just stronger than most girls bc one of my frds still can't listen to her old bf's song for them and it's been years since their break up. I can do more than listen to them without crying, I like them. They're good songs. I have separated the emotional ties to them b/c God obviously did not bless my broken road to lead me straight to him. It simply doesn't apply anymore.

SIDE NOTE: Lady now has stolen two bones. Looks like it's time to unpack the pup!

Last names

I just made up a theory that holds up in my life. Every girl who is seriously dating someone starts thinking of herself as mrs. Blank just to see how it fits. But for guys, they already have their last name. It's not going to change for them. This suggests that girls don't have their true identity until they are married and given their hopefully final last name. And what of those ppl who remarry, they have to identify the person they are with multiple last names. This concept sucks. It makes ppl think that without this last name that differs from ur maiden name u are incomplete. Hence y marriage is such a big deal in our society. Perhaps this has something to do with divorce rates as well.

Finals time

I only have one final and it's math which I totally get but I'm forced to study bc everyone else is. It's either study or go to the gym. I went to the gym twice yesterday bc I needed a break. At least I'm getting a workout in now, I've been too busy the last few weeks to go.

support for teaching

I always knew I wasnted to do something to help children. I started out my college career as a psychologist hoping to open a child psychology office of sorts on my own. But i changed programs to teaching b/c I it would bring joy to my life as opposed to sadness from troubled children. I was so nervous that summer I debated doing this. It was a big change. It would change my entire life dramatically. Sam encouraged me saying that I can do anything I wanted to and that if I fell on my face he would be there to support me and finance me while I went back for a different career.

I'm sitting in the last day of class listening to this person telling me theres no way I'm finding a job, and it i do, I will be fired within the forst three years and I'll have crappy pay. I'm hearing all this negative things and all I can think of is what sam would say when I got freaked out about this. He used to say "don't let them scare you. You can do anything you want and I will make sure everything is ok. He doesn't know you." But sam's not here. In fact, no one's here to tell me this and he is scaring me. I'm scared to death that I won't find a husband who can support me and that I'll have to change my career path and I will be broke and homeless and alone. I hate this crap. I hate uncertainty. I hate that I believed him. I hate that this guy is being a negative nancy.

School

For the last week (ish) I've been consumed by homework, papers, readings, and studying for school. How I mentioned to have a relaxing semester end in such a chaotic rush I'll never fully understand. I have had to neglect laundry, dishes, vacuuming, and for a while there I didn't even shower. I saw a tfln that suggested laminating notes so that you can study in the shower and I;m definately going to have to remember that for next time.

But, it has all paid off. I am more than prepared for this exam and the 9 homework assignments/papers I need to turn in today. The only thing I need to do after today is make my eprofile for edt and study for edf and math (but really edf is online, so it's open book/open web and math is so simple that I could prolly do it in my sleep). It feels really weird not having a thousand and one things to do after today. I can't really imagine it right now, I have to focus on what to turn in and when today. Of course the folder designated for today with the assignments in chronological order should help.

I just can't wait to celebrate another wonderful semester! I feel like they are increasingly getting better for me. For example I didn't have to fight with someone for some space to get homework done this semester. That was nice. And it's even nicer that the ppl I do surround myself with value their grades more than I do, maybe their dedication will rub off me. HA, who I'm kidding? I'm always going to put my own happiness first! But it is good b/c I can always count on them to be doing h/w when I need a h/w buddy.

Anyway, I am celebrating by going to the gym tomorrow! GAWD it's been forever since I actually had time to run! I miss it so much.

And of course I have a date in downtown plymouth with Mr. Perfect when finals are over. What a good life I have. Sure, it kind of sucked for a weekend, but look how good it is going to be again soon?

Right where I want to be.

I love my life. There is no doubt on my mind that Sam and I were not meant to be together. He meant to change into this mean person and I was meant to move on to better things. I love that I live in canton instead of d riv. I love that I'm doing exceptionally well in school. I love that I'm closer to my family. I love that I've filtered out the a list friends from the b list friends. I love that I am beginning a real relationship.

He makes me dance around my apt and curl up in my comfortable and have dreams that it's really his arms wrapped around me. Ths is so much better than what Sam and I had, even back in the day. He likes me for my craziness and doesn't want me to change at all. He likes that I randomly break into a pillow fight or try to surf down stairs on pillows. He cares about weather or not I sleep and how my day was. He understands the little importance I do put on school and respects that I need my own study time bc he needs that too. I love everything about him and he totally fullfills all but four requirements and those four are things I have to learn over time. I'm just really happy now and I can't even remeber my life with Sam. It's like I burried in my memory bc it was so horrible. I can't wait til finals are over bc he's taking me downtown Plymouth that weekend.

Semi

Semi was so much fun. There were minimal awkward moments when doug and I were in the 'are we allowed to touch' phase of the night. Try dancing with someone with at least a foot inbetween u, not very fun. But then he took my hands and broke the don't touch rule and the night got fun : ) there were only a few dramatic situations with some of the girls but I was able to stay out of it.

So when we went to bed, doug and I kind of cuddled. And by kind of I mean we did but I don't want u to think it was bad. Anyway, he kissed me! And stupid me started shaking bc I'm really a thirteen year child when he's around lol. So he asks if I'm ok and I said 'did u just kiss me?' he said 'ummm idk' and then he did it again! Then we both fell asleep and pretended nothing happened in the am haha.

So we went out to breakfast and I dropped him off at his house. He got all his stuff and hugged me and said he'd call me later and let me know if he can come watch elf tonight. I just can't read him. Idk if he likes me or if he was just drunk last night. It's like Edward (me) and Bella (him). I can read every guy I've ever met but with him I just can't be positive. I completely understand Edward's fasination with bella now. I mean is it even legal for sams fraternity brother to like me? Apparently they can kiss me. Idk but I'm really excited to see where this goes bc he def takes the place of my other three boys. I can get everything I need from the male gender from him. He meets most of my new bf requirements.

The blue zebra

I have the best outfit for my first semi as a single lady! I took it for a trial run tonight at the cf ball and it was perf. The shoes need to be worn in but they're so cute it doesn't matter. I realized tonight how amazing I am. I was nice to the phi sigs who came out and even when mike brenon started being stupid and telling me not to rape doug I was able to put a stop to it before he finished his sentence. they all understand that I am not going stand for them to talk to me like that now and I feel a lot better about the whole thing. So now I get to go to semi and have the best night of my life. Doug and I hung out and it went swimingly, yes, swimingly : ) we played wii sports and did lite bright together! It was perf. Lady liked him too so that's a plus. She normally knows who I'll have a good time with, she hated Sam. So all is well for this blue zebra.

Ps Ill post pics later.

To clarify...

What sam says or does doesn't affect me. What affects me is how my friends react to what he says and does. This is why I have distanced myself from those people who react in unfavorable ways, like believing his bs. The most recent slander from him was directed at my semi date. It was good that he came to me with it, which is better than most of my so called sorority 'sisters' did. I just hope that the rest of the phi sigs who have discussed these things with Sam know what they're doing. B/c I really don't need any of them but I know a few who rely on me and the whole frat relies on my sorority. That talk better start and stop in the 'brotherhood.'

And for those of you who don't think I'm over him, plz keep your thoughts to yourself. They are incorrect and offensive to me when u imply that I am not over such a piece of scum. Thank you.