From the dog

I strive to be the best I can be so that my master might have a better life because of me. Today I was sitting in nana's kitchen between these three wonderful women from three completely different times and I thought "They gave me to the youngest because she needs me the most." Last night we went for what I thought was just a car ride, but it turns out we drove all the way to nana's. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the new smells, the feel of where my master goes after leaving the apartment, the wind from the wholes in the front of the car (I think they call them vents but I don't understand what the word vent has to do with blowing air into ones hair), and the unsteadiness of the route as we swerve in and out of traffic. Of course there's also the slight chance my master might pick up lilly and give me the perfect opportunity to sneak onto her lap where all of these things are multiplied! As we go along my master keeps looking at me, checking in with how I'm responding to this sudden change of plans, as I could sense her energy level dropping and night getting deeper around us just before we took this adventure. I smile and make funny faces at her when our eyes catch and she always smiles and laughs back at me. It makes me feel good to see her smile even when she is so tense. In the morning, as I sat there and pondered why I had been sent to live with the youngest of these three women who would have such changes in her life is isn't sure what she wants out of it yet I realized, she needs me the most. She needs someone who will be there for her without asking questions or analyzing what's happening. She needs someone to support her every decision and just believe in her that she would make the right one. I don't question and I don't evaluate her, I love her, I support her, I go with her when she needs to de-stress in her car, I aid in her relaxation by not saying a word, and I lay by her so that she will feel warmth when her heart feels like stone. I will tolerate the boys she gives her heart to because some of them smell pretty good. But when that boy leaves her, I'll be there. I see how she lives her life, I smell the good she brings to others, I sense the bounce in her step and the drag in her heart, and I am there for her. These older women have things figured out that my master is still just encountering. The uncertain one is the one who needs a dog like me.

So I will make a funny face at her when tears are not far, I will do my best to mend the mess and heal her battle scars. I will fight to protect, and always inspect, these people who move through our lives. And when she needs a speechless friend to listen, I will pretend to comprehend, like my other master kristen, and I will not forget my mission here on planet Earth. For, I will love you, I will support you, I will serve you, my master since birth.

girls and my success :)

girls are so freaking emotional! Lets face it, human beings are emotional. The difference between women and men is that men can have emotions and then make the best decision regardless of how they feel. Women on the other hand let their emotions steer their lives. It's like you say, this is the best option, and everyone agrees. Then a man would do that no matter how he felt about it, it's the best thing to do, it benefits the most ppl, so he'll do. a woman would look at the same situation and think "although it benefits everyone the most, they said this and I'm mad at her for something that doesn't effect this situation at all, but bc of it I'm not doing this bc my feelings are hurt from a miscommunication in a different situation." It is driving me nuts! Yes, I am a women, but I choose to take a step back and look at every situation on the surface and keep the bigger picture in mind. I've been hurt bc of miscommunications many times before and I've gotten over it once I learned it was a miscommunication. These women I'm dealing with are realizing that what I'm proposing is a good idea, BUT this, and BUT that and most of what they come up with is a lie anyway just bc they don't want to do something that benefits someone they are mad at even if it benefits them a lot more. I'm about to say forget it! Good luck in the future that you don't have a plan for and I'll be living with my guy friend while I pursue my three jobs in my last year of college and then I'll be moving out of this god forsaken state to fulfill my calling as a teacher in a better environment. where will you be?

And families need to believe in each other NO MATTER WHAT! I know that the economy is down, I know that it is hard to make a living, I know that I'm used to an expensive lifestyle. I know all of these things that bring me down when I think about my future, but I have a plan for myself and I have never not accomplished what I set out to do. You won't see me set out to have a room mate, and then go without one. Not gonna happen. You're not going to witness me graduate and then not find a job either. I'm going to find a job and it's going to be in a better place then MI. I'm going to do this whether you believe me or not, but if you're someone important in my life, I don't care what you think is going to happen, u better tell me that I will achieve my goals and that u believe in me. I don't need another thing pulling me down.

You know what? If you don't believe in me, just keep it to yourself. There's no reason to bombard me with your negativity when I'm doing good.

OH RECAP ON MY LIFE: I will be working at kickers in canton (or some place like it) on the weekend night, I will hopefully get the MHS part-time job that is tuesday/thursday all day and then one day on the weekend, and I will still have a few hours at the ECEC (or my frds mom's school as a breaker). I will be taking calc in the summer, and I will be taking at least one class in the second summer semester. Then fall will be 4 classes and winter will be my last semester ever with 4/5 classes. I will then graduate and I will have enough money saved up to move me to where ever I get hired (NC or CA). I'll move there, start my little life as a teacher, and go from there. That's what's happening, jump on board and believe it, or get off and don't let me know :)

what i want want want

doesn't have to be what u want want want.

I have been an emotional reck this past week. Not only have I been going through greek week which is stressful on its own, I have been trying to get a job and I have pinpointed my reasons for missing doug in my life. It's not doug, and its not sam. My depression was coming from a completely different source and now that I know what was causing it, I am making steps to fix it. Of course this requires work from all parties involved, and yes, it includes several people, but where there's a will there's a way and there is a STRONG will in this situation. I just got back from talking to my dad, ACTUALLY talking to him :O it's a new concept I'm trying to implement into my life haha. Anyways, he makes me feel so much better about everything. He lays out the facts of my life and reassures me that I have good solid plans for my future. He didn't actually say it, but from his tone and some of the things he said, I could tell he was proud of me for being who I am today. It's been such a long time since I've felt supported by someone other than my sorority sisters to do the things that I want and it felt so good to hear his approval and encouragement tonight. It was exactly what I needed to help de-stress from this God awful week.

Also I want to note that I'm lucky to have frds who care so much for me. My frd is willing to go above and beyond what other ppl in my life should be willing to do for me but aren't at the time being. He offered to move in with me and he seriously started looking for places and let me know that he understands the need to have someone to say good night to at the end of the day. He understood that I missed having someone to watch TV with. It felt good to have that friendship kind of unveil itself today and I although I think the person who needs to step up will, causing me to no longer need a roomie, I won't forget how selfless and kind he has been to me. The world could use a few more ppl like him and if he ever opens up and let me know that he needs anything from me, I hope that I can show him the same kindness that he has shown me. I'm glad I met him <3

SIDE NOTE; one of Sam's fraternity brother's was very out of line last night while talking to me. SO today I asked Sam (via text) if he could clarify that I'm not a whore for his brothers since I'm sure he was the one who gave them this idea in the first place. Sam agreed and apologized repeatedly for his brother's behavior and what was so strange about this was he guessed who it was. Before that another PSP guy told me I was too pretty to be off the market from men for a year and Doug was able to guess who that was. I didn't think I was THAT oblivious to things, but apparently I am bc they both could see these boys had a thing for me while I was completely blind sided. I wanted to note that Sam was acting very protective of me when he found out, that also was nice to know that he was there for me too in a lesser way than before.

I have such great friends in my life, but I need that underlying foundation if I want to be complete. So that's what I'm doing, I'm fixing the holes in my foundation one brick at a time. trust me, easier said than done.

Back to basics

Today I'm starting to feel like my life is back to normal. I did my practicum in the morning, then went to work until five. When I got home from that I took lady bugger for a walk to the mailbox and then to get pizza from Jets. She was really good while we waited for the pizza, everyone loved her! Then I came home and ate dinner with my baby girl and watched Icarly, which has a very good message for a young audience.

Anyway I feel like I should state that I am doing a single challenge for a year. I will will be single for 365 days and nights. I also want to note that I got a fb message from a phi sig who will remain unidentified that said I was, and I quote, "wayyyy too cute to be off the market from us men." HAHA I love the PSP boys (and no, this psp was not sam, doug, brian, or any of my other closer frds in this fraternity).

Doug

Doug was a short but wonderful chapter in my life. He was everything I needed to help me see that there is potential in men to be what I need them to be. He turned out to be a little shaddy, and I'm still not 100% positive he's been completely honest with me, but that just mean I need to add some things to PNM's list. I didn't learn too much from this relationship like I learned from Sam, but I did learn that I am a good person who has her head on straighter than most adults. This relationship was pretty much a confidence booster bc all of the aspects Sam tore apart and hated about me, Doug loved and embraced. I now know that I'm not crazy and I do handle arguments in a mature manner that is productive. I am not annoying when I ask to be texted when my bf gets home from leaving me at 2am in bad weather. I'm not a bad person bc I expect my bf to be there for me when I need him. Doug taught me a lot about myself as I am now, but he also taught me a lot about who I want to be as a mother, or rather who I don't want to be as a mother. But no matter how well suited we were for each other, the fact of the matter is I need someone who is willing to stick up for me (I believe that's already a requirement). Doug failed at that one aspect of a relationship where a boy is supposed to tell his family to go screw themselves when they tell him who he can a cannot date and how he is supposed to date them. That was his one major flaw and that is why we are no longer together. It just sucks bc we weren't ready for it to be over, I was still having fun in my honey moon phase.

PS. When he told me we had to break up, and I replied "that sucks, I really liked u." And he responded with watery eyes, "yeah, I was in love with u." Just thought that needed to be somewhere in here for later reflection.

solution

I am forgetting all his mistakes from last night and pretending like the night ended after the crush party (b4 he deleted his text messages and what not). I went to bed and dreamed of how he used to be (ya know, perfect), and now it's up to him to show me that he's still my boo and not my bear. He knows this and I know he can do it, he know what he did wrong and I pray he knows how to not do it again bc next time, I might not be in such a generous mood.

Switching gears it's really pushing my buttons that he and I were both on fb and I was about to chat him but though, lets let him step up and show me that he wants to talk to me. I sat here for a few minutes and he didn't chat me. This is why I think I want to get rid of fb bc it just pisses me off when ppl suck at using it. He never writes on my wall, some ppl are totally fake on there, and ppl misread into things posted way too often. It's not fb's fault, it's these ugly ppl here who make it into this drama feeding network. UGH, W/E! I'm going shopping with my girls and I'm venting to them the rest of the night. Hopefully that will make me feel better b/c dancing my butt off today didn't really do much for my bad mood and Lord knows I can't count on Doug to change it around! He's consistently making it worse lately.

I pray that he calls me tonight or makes some effort to talk to me and show me that he cares about me. He usually comes over saturday nights so, we will see my dears. we will see.

BEAR

They drive me crazy. Even the good ones. He had a blue bracelet, I had a purple one. When he got out of my car he left his by mine and the whole ride home I kept looking at it, thinking. the night was bad for me.... It started out fine. Then I went to see if he had saved a pic of me that I had sent him and he freaked out and deleted ALL HIS TEXT MESSAGES! *mistake #1* He was hiding something from me and he swore up and down that it was just an argument with his mom he didn't want me to see but I knew there was more. Later I learned his mom had called me a bitch bc she doesn't approve of doug and I. Doug told me he stood up for me and things got uglier bc he didn't want her calling me names. It's just eating me up that I can't know for sure what exactly was said and who he might have been texting other than his mother. I want to trust him but boys who delete texts so their gfs can't read them are not trustworthy.... I made a mistake letting him in my life and now I'm making a mistake by letting it get to me. ALSO tonight his ex was at the party, GO FIGURE. they hug and she asks if he wants to smoke with her and he says yeah for old time sake. *mistake #2* WRONG ANSWER BOO. especially since u told me what u like to do when u smoke. not making me happy. BUT WORSE. I'm outside bc I just don't know what the heck is going on with him and he comes out to talk to me and is a totally different person. He says he hates her and called her a bitch and that he'd never smoke with her. *mistake #3* totally two faced. 3 strikes, he should be out, but he's not. what am I doing? I let him into my life and he is usually perfect but tonight he was far from it and it sucks bc now I'm left staring at our bracelets that have somehow managed to stay overlapped despite the fact that their owners are so distant from one another. We are on two completely different planes. He is understanding what I want from him and he's giving me what he thinks a girl would want to have. I understand that he's trying to protect me and make me happy by not showing that his mom thinks I'm a bitch or let me know that he wants to smoke with brandi (who by the way is a complete and utter slut, so no competition there). But by doing this he doesn't see that he is acting like sam circa '09 and forgetting that I"m not like other girls. I'm not going to break down bc one person in this world called me a bitch. Im not going to freak out if he wants to smoke with brandi. I'm not going to act like any other girl he might know, I'm going to act like me. I'm more mature (even though he thinks Chloe is) than any other girl he knows. I'm above the whole calling names and trying to split up couples thing. I can handle it and he needs to let me handle it or I'm going to have to cut him loose.

As for his mother. I'm not going to bash her bc I really don't need to, but I am going to say this; any adult who calls a 20 yr old girl who has done nothing but make her son happy a bitch is extremely pathetic. It's called being an adult, it allows you to be able to handle situations better than 12 yr olds can. Although I don't care what someone of this mind set thinks of me, I have decided to try to make things work between her and I bc it would hurt Doug if we didn't get along. Unlike the 'adult' in this situation, I am going to talk to her one on one and get everything out in the open and discuss ways we can get around whatever things she has against me.

My family might not be perfect, but they would never call names or make judgements based on what they think they know about someone I'm involved with. I'm glad I came from a more respectable household than that.